Below Deck reunions are at the bottom of the Bravo food chain. The attire is all from a H&M clearance rack, they have to sit on annoying little stools and it takes place in the WWHL Clubhouse. Reunions being taped in the Clubhouse are like hosting a gala in a disabled bathroom, it just doesn't make sense. Check out our ranking of the reunion looks below:
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9. Tanner Sterback
Tanner looks the way he always does, like a flaccid penis. This is one of the most boring looks I've ever seen, it's not bad, it's just boring which is definitely worse. A blue blazer with black pants. Groundbreaking. You can tell a sales assistant helped Tanner pick this out at a H&M three hours before the taping, which is exactly what I'd expect from the human embodiment of Whiskey Dick.
8. Ashton Pienaar
Forget about Ashton’s outfit, whatever the fuck happened to his face is my main concern. The misogynistic deckhand looks like a 75-year-old retired singer who performs a matinee residency in Vegas and lives off a diet of Botox and cocaine. Ashton looks like he's aged 50 years since his time on Valor and in the worst way possible. The outfit itself is okay, but you can tell he tried his hardest to stand out in this marine blue suit which looks tackier than a Housewife wearing CHANEL earrings.
7. Simone Mashile
Aw, Simone tried. She really did. This clearance sale Neiman Marcus dress is cute, but also really fucking underwhelming. Simone isn't voluptuous enough to fill out the dress and while she doesn't look bad by any means, she's not the best dressed either. Her hair and makeup are gorgeous but this dress looks like a gay magic marker trying to have its moment.
6. Courtney Skippon
Courtney looks like the pink, pampered poodle she is in this barely-there outfit. It's definitely a nice dress, however, it doesn't look finished. A picture is worth 1000 words and this one is telling me her stylist threw the dress on her, tried to fit it to her size, then got drunk on the free WWHL booze and just sent her out there with it half done. Above all else, this look just seems lazy and I'm sure Courtney could've done a lot better than this fuchsia fabric she's calling a dress.
5. Brian de Saint Pern
Brian is beyond fuckable in this simple black tux. All the other shitheads on the crew, look at Brian and take note. You don't need a colorful blazer or over the top suit, you just need a sexy black tux and a chiseled jawline. The best part of all is you can tell Brian didn't even try, he's just this hot all day every day. He looks like the South African James Bond, and even though his behavior was less than desirable this reason, he's still fucking stunning.
4. Kevin Dobson
Yes, I know Kevin the Kunt is one of the worst personalities Bravo has ever given us but for some reason, I'm enjoying looking at this salmon blazer. The "chef" is an egotistical, OCD ridden sack of shit, however, his fashion sense clearly isn't as bad as his personality. It's easy, it's laid back and it's fresh, which Kevin should strive to be in his personal life. Congrats Kev, your salmon blazer finally pushed me to say something nice about you.
3. Rhylee Gerber
I'm sorry, but Rhylee is sex on a mother fucking stick. I love everything about this look. From the cute, silver romper to the glowing fake tan and her fiery red hair, I'm officially obsessed. This ladies and gentlemen is how you achieve a simple, sexy look and I can't even think of a snarky metaphor to throw at this outfit. Say what you want about the aggressive deckhand but she understands the importance of looking good when you have to drag a motherfucker across the floor, so we have to respect that.
2. Kate Chastain
Kate is no longer a yachtie, she's a TV star so it's only right that she looks like one. The chief stew is the only member of this crew who dressed to Real Housewives Reunion standards and I couldn't be prouder. Can't we just throw her into RHONY and watch her fight with those drunk old broads? Kate is radiant in this gold, sparkly dress and looks like a sexy Oscar statue going to cocktail hour. Isn't that always the goal whenever you put on a gold dress?
1. Abbi Murphy
I'm not even sure how Abbi got an invite to this reunion considering all she did was get engaged over text, however, even though she's the most forgettable member of the crew, she's also the best dressed. Sorry not sorry. From her beachy red hair, to her glowing makeup and subtle fake tan, she really did push through with this look. Abbi looks like a grungy Ariel crawled out of the ocean and moved to Brooklyn, which I assume is exactly what she was going for.
Below Deck airs Tuesday at 9/8c on Bravo! Stay tuned at Good Tea for our exclusive tea and shady recaps on the horny boat crew.