Below Deck has become one of the highest-rated reality shows on Bravo, so I'm confused why they're still having their reunions in the cramped WWHL Clubhouse. Reunions in the Clubhouse cause me to lack focus and makes the entire show seem very unimportant and rushed but I guess Bravo is keeping the budget tight.
I had so many questions going into the reunion, but the biggest one was: why the fuck is Andy wearing a bandaid? We need the backstory and we need it right now. You can tell Andy Cohen didn't give a quarter of a fuck about filming this end of season sit down and was daydreaming about what to have for dinner the entire time. Seriously, the producers should've brought in Leslie Jones to do his job because she would've ripped those motherfuckers to shreds.
Andy isn't the only person who can't be bothered with Below Deck reunions, I'm not here for them either. Every year I'm so excited to see the crew come together and hash out their issues but then I remember why I was bored shitless the year earlier. These reunions suck, the issues are so dead and in the past that they no longer matter, and most of the crew have moved past a tiny fight they had over the pool toys anyway. The thing which makes these sit-downs even more redundant is the fact that we'll never see 90% of the cast ever again. The only people coming back next year are Captain Lee, Kate and maybe one other person, if they're lucky, so watching these crew members discuss their issues just seems pointless because nothing is going to happen after this.
You guys, I can't explain to you how bored I was with this reunion. I wanted to pop a Xanax, fall asleep, pay a computer to write this article and keep it moving. Everyone just discussed the same shit they did during the season and squashed most of their beefs. There's really nothing to even cover. Kevin the Kunt is still an arrogant asshole with an ego bigger than any of his portion sizes, so nothing's new. However, he and Kate did appear to make up after she gave him a rim job and claimed he was the hardest working chef she'd ever worked with.
While we're on the topic of food, Andy tried his hardest to push Kate to own the fact that she set up Kevin with the cock cake. How many times does she have to explain her motives behind the penis dessert? He called her a dick and she retaliated by making him walk out to the guests with a giant cock in his hands. Period. End of story. We've all seen the episode so I don't know why we're still going over this shit for the 100th time. Why does Kate have to explain herself and not any of the men? I expected to tune in to see those four idiots on trial for their misogyny in the court of public opinion, but instead Andy is pressing Kate over Cock Cake Gate. Who gives a fuck about her giving Kevin the Kunt his karma and why aren’t we talking about what the men did all season long. I guess they’re saving it for next week because this reunion was a trek to get through.
This first part of the reunion was very Simone heavy and I really can't find a fuck to give. Yes, Kate was bitchy to her during their time on the boat and gave Courtney another stripe in front of her as a dig. She also could've helped train her in service, we already know this so their back and forth was just redundant. Simone also accused the chief stew of not respecting girl code by flirting with Tanner after he had treated Simone like shit. It's not Girl Code, it's not Interior Code, it's just common sense, that Kate should've given her a heads up. They weren't friends, and yes, Kate could've had a conversation with Simone about it, but why are they fighting over Tanner when they should've been fighting with him?! These bitches need to pick their battles. Why did we have to sit through this dumb fight while there was a massive misogynistic elephant in the room? Someone tell me that.
Ashton was very quiet for the entire hour and only piped up to ask Kate and Captain Lee the last time they worked on a motor yacht outside of the show. Who gives a flying fuck? First of all, they don't have to answer the polished thumb about anything, and second, what was he trying to prove? They were both been working on yachts while he was still giving lap dances in a sequin speedo, so Smashton needs to sit down and take several seats. Both Kate and Lee worked in the industry for years and now they have enough money from Bravo that they don't need to. What's the big deal?
Smashton also said he doesn't think Kate is professional. Isn't he the one who forcibly kissed her twice and assaulted a moving vehicle? I rest my case. Ashton's time of reckoning is definitely coming next week, so while he sat on his little stool like a church mouse this week, he shouldn't get too comfortable. However, Rhylee did accuse him of working on his sugar mama's, ex-best friend's, boyfriend's yacht in Florida. I have no idea what that has to do with anything, but I appreciate Rhylee coming in with receipts to shut this idiot down. Also, has the sugar mama seen the show because I'm sure she can find a beefy, exotic, thirsty boy who isn't a pompous asshole to elevate her self esteem and give her raunchy massages by the pool?
Abbi was also there and revealed her boyfriend "proposed" to her over text so she could get a Greek green card. How the fuck did that get left out of her story during the season? I'm not even sure why they invited her to the reunion considering she was barely apart of the season and only said three words during this episode, but I wish her and her hot Greek boyfriend well. Tanner, on the other hand, is a piece of shit. I have no idea how I ever thought this guy was hot and the more I look at him, the more he looks like a flaccid penis. He "apologized" to Simone for his fuckboy ways, but that was about as genuine as Kylie Jenner's lips. Tanner really is one of the most stupid people Bravo has ever introduced us to and he belongs on the floor of a Chucky Cheese, not the WWHL Clubhouse.
Having sex with Tanner would be like sitting on a dead, wet fish. It's boring, it's sloppy and you'll probably end up with a UTI. Rhylee also brought up Tanner's mother's Facebook post, blaming Captain Lee for Tanner getting hate online. The only person who he responsible for the internet hating Tanner, is Tanner. He made himself look like an idiot, by disrespecting Simone, running after Kate like a puppy dog and enabling the toxic masculinity aboard the boat, so I'm not sure how Captain Lee got wrapped up in this. Tanner's mother should've sat him down and educated him on why he's such a fucking idiot, instead of enabling his behavior and blaming other people.
Brian and Courtney also discussed their "relationship" and I really couldn't care less about this either. Apparently, Court blocked the South African hottie after he sent her "aggressive" messages while the show was airing. Listen, I'm not doubting that the messages exist, however, if you're going to throw that out there during a Bravo reunion, you better have a manila folder full of screenshots to take that mother fucker down. That's beginners training. Their relationship really wasn't that deep, and all they had to discuss was Brian disregarding Courtney's feelings throughout their entire time on the boat. He constantly blamed for feeling emotions for things he started and always had to start a fight whenever she slightly didn't take his side, which was the wrong side anyway.
However, we already know all of this. We watched the episodes. Somehow Kevin the Kunt got dragged into their mess after Captain Lee called him out for telling Brian about Courtney confiding in Kate about the text message drama. As much as I can't stand Kevin, he really isn't in the wrong here. They all work and live on a tiny boat, so news travels faster than Usain Bolt. Every single cast member is guilty of repeating something they shouldn't repeat, it's what keeps the show going and not to mention, they're on TV anyway so they're going to find out eventually.
Brian's reasoning for being mad about Courtney telling Kate was that he didn't want the boat knowing his personal business. What the actual fuck. If he didn't want "the boat" knowing about his life, then maybe he shouldn't have confided in Ashton and Tanner and maybe, just maybe, he shouldn't have gone on an invasive reality show. Brian may be hot, but he's a hypocritical idiot. He told his friends on the boat, but got aggressive when Courtney did the same thing. Ugh. I am tired from this redundant bullshit and I need a serious nap before next week, where hopefully, these assholes finally get held accountable for their shitty ways.
Below Deck airs Monday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the horny boat crew!