Below Deck Finale Recap: Sandstorm

February 4, 2020

Thank fuck this season is over. Although I enjoyed the boys vs girls drama, it got to a point where the people onboard who claim to be men made it too toxic to enjoy. Their misogyny, gaslighting and all-around asshole behavior made me want to throw my laptop against the wall, set it on fire and move to Siberia. Yes, it's that deep. Oh well, at least all four of those halfwits will have to stand trial in the Court of Public Opinion during next week's reunion. 

 

Most of the finale episode centered around Kevin and Kate's pissing match that has lasted the entire season. Even though their fights were about putting wine in a fridge, serving trays and a very erect penis cake, their feud boils down to one thing: power. Kevin the Kunt is an egotistical, OCD ridden chef who wanted to control all aspects of service to assert his power on the yacht, and Kate didn't want to give in to the chef's ego. I've said it before and I'll say it again, if your ego is bigger than your portion sizes, then there's a problem. 

 

Their latest brawl occured after Kate sent Kevin out with his penis cake while the guests were talking about orphans. Was it wrong of Kate to set him up? I guess. Did Kevin and his Prince William bald spot deserve it? Fuck yes. He called Kate a dick earlier in the day, and of course, her revenge involved making him look like the dick. We stan a petty Queen. Now, this is where Kevin could've saved himself. Instead of standing there like his mom just caught him masturbating, he could've explained the cake, made a joke of it and kept things moving, but he just froze up with a dick in his hands. However, I highly doubt it was his first time getting embarrassed while showing a group of women his penis. 

 

Kevin also could've tried to read the situation better instead of running out with a cock in his hands and standing there like he just sharted himself. Did the dick need to be that realistic? Kevin may as well have put a 10-inch dildo on the plate and called it a day because that monster cock is going to haunt me in my dreams. In Kevin's defense, I understand it wasn't the right time to bring out a cock made of chocolate, however, the guests asked for a cock cake and he gave them one, so what's the problem? While this was a very awkward experience all around, Kate was happier than a kid at Disneyland. You would've thought she sat on the dick herself. 

 

Of course, this turned into a full out war between the chef and the chief stew where they threw cheap shots at each other in the galley. At this point, they were even. Kevin spent the last six weeks acting like a cunt and didn't like it when the same energy was directed back at him. Has the Kiwi never heard of karma, because he just got 10-inches of it served to him on a silver platter. After this dick cake, the feuding department heads were even, however, of course, they both needed to insult each other's professionalism before they could go to bed. 

 

The next morning, the final guests got the fuck off the boat and it was time for everyone to get wasted. In total, the crew made $14K each in just six weeks which is mind-blowing. The only people who make money that quick are drug dealers or hookers. Should I get into yachting if the money's that good? I just don't want to fold laundry, make a bed or really do anything, but I'm sure I can fake it till I make it and take a tonne of smoke breaks to get out of doing my job. Before the guests disembarked the yacht, the primary decided to tell Kevin he looked like Tom Cruise. At first, I thought "maybe a mentally impaired Tom Cruise" but then I realized comparing Kevin to the power-hungry, egotistical, small dick-ed leader of Scientology makes SO much sense. 

 

For the crew's last night in Thailand, they went to rave on a beach equipped with fire dancers, ladyboys, gallons of alcohol, sand, and neon lighting. What more could you ask for? Everyone was so drunk they could barely even articulate a sentence, which proves there must be something in that Thai vodka. Even though Brian lost his ability to speak without slurring, somehow he and Courtney made up, made out and spent the night in the private guest room. It doesn't take a genius to figure out why Courtney wanted to stay in a room without any cameras for their finale night on the boat. You guys know how the song goes:

 

Courtney and Brian sitting in the tree: F-U-C-K-I-N-G!

 

While everyone got drunk on the beach, Ashton decided to fall asleep in a tent, probably because he knew there was no one for him to fuck on the beach and instead of trying to sexually assault another crew member, he decided to have a nap and avoid the public humiliation. If there were some hot Thai girls running around that beach, "Smashton" would be hunting them down like a lion hunting a gazelle. Kevin and Kate got into it again and told each other they both think the other sucks at their job. I'm sure there was more to the conversation but that's all that really matters. 

 

Kate got annoyed after their interaction and was just trying to have a peaceful cigarette away from the rest of the crew, while Tanner tried to follow her around like a puppy dog in the hopes of finally entering the chief stew. Tanner has no game. None. Instead of trying to woo Kate, all he can do is say "I wanna kiss you." Um. Yeah, I'm sure Tanner would also want to kiss a tree if he could, so why would Kate want to let any of his whiskey dick energy around her? I've never seen someone more visibly drunk than Tanner in my entire life and it's a bigger turn off than socks with sandals or smelly pubes. 

 

We've all seen a Tanner trying to pick up every single girl in the bar and ran the other way. Am I right ladies? In the end, Kate fought off his advances by telling him she's a lesbian, which is the perfect way to escape a gross, sweaty, drunk guy who won't leave you alone. Tanner was so wasted his brain couldn't even compute what a lesbian was, he probably thought she was talking about a sandwich, I don't fucking know. The deckhand could barely even stand up, let alone talk, so how the fuck did he think he was going to be able to have sex with another human being? That would be like sitting on a drunk broom, which sounds just as fun as getting my anus bleached. 

 

Before everyone could get off Rave Island, Kevin decided to kick sand in Kate's face. What the actual fuck? Is he five-years-old? That doesn't make one ounce of sense and I don't care how drunk you are, you don't kick mother fucking sand in another human beings face. How would Kevin the Kunt feel if some asshole kid did that to his daughter? I rest my case. Kevin and his bald spot didn't even have the balls to do it in front of her, he did it behind her back which just shows how much of a pussy he really is. After everyone got their drunk asses back on the boat, Courtney and Brian (allegedly) had sex, Kate flipped the bird to the camera and Kevin ran around the crew quarters naked. What the actual fuck? 

 

Nobody wants to see that. NO-BOD-Y. I would rather watch Tanner fingerbang a nun then see a second of Kevin's hairy ass. It made me feel afraid, victimized and scared for my life. Does anyone have the number of a good therapist because Kevin letting out his repressed gay energy by showing the rest of his male coworkers his penis shook me to my core. All four of the men on this crew all should've just had a bukkake orgy in one of the guest rooms and called it a night because they've all wanted to fuck each other since they boarded the boat. Maybe that's why they were all such misogynistic pieces of shit? Because they all wanted to have sex with each other but their internalized homophobia wouldn't allow them to? Just some food for thought...

 

After their disastrous last night, everyone said their goodbyes and got the fuck out of Thailand. This season was a rough one to get through, but at least we have a reunion next week so the "men" can face some kind of justice for their shitty behavior aboard the boat.

 

Below Deck airs Monday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the horny boat crew!

 

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