This season of Below Deck has been fucking insane. After a very slow start, they switched out one red-headed female deckhand for another and the drama, misogyny, and bullying went into full effect. What started as petty conflict, turned into an all-out war between anyone with a penis and a vagina, and although I was thankful for the entertainment, the toxic masculinity onboard the boat made it way too frustrating to enjoy. Check out our cast ranking of the season 7 crew*:
*and no, Captain Lee isn't listed because he's above the crew's drunken antics.
9. Abbi Murphy
Does the Merida from Brave lookalike even count as a crew member? The only things I remember about Abbi are her forgetting to tie up her flowing hair, constantly fucking up her radio, sleeping with Ashton on the sun deck and getting engaged over text. I'm sure she's a nice girl but aside from her bizarre engagement method, she didn't add much to the Bravo universe. Well, they can't all be gems...
8. Kevin Dobson
Every chef has a certain level of insanity but Kevin is just a straight-up cunt. Every time he opened up his gross, misogynic, OCD mouth I wanted to douse myself in gasoline and jump out the window. Kevin the Kunt, how he historically shall be known, is one of the most unlikeable personalities Bravo has ever given us and that says a lot. His pathetic attempts to assert his power on the yacht were insufferable and the way he instigated PaleoGate with Rhylee to try and fit into the boy's club was just gross. Seriously, you know someone is a smug, controlling asshole when their ego is bigger than any of their portion sizes.
7. Tanner Sterback
The resident fuckboy's "game" consisted of drunkenly asking girls to make out with him while he had a cigarette in one hand and a fist full of delusion in the other. Tanner started the season as a hot, dopey frat boy, at the top of my Fuck-It-List, before I quickly realized he was just a flaccid penis riddled with Chlamydia and a sloppy attitude. End of story. The deckhand's lazy, deadbeat energy dries me up more than an old sponge but I'm grateful I finally got to see the human embodiment of whiskey dick - well actually, cheap beer dick.
6. Ashton Pienaar
This Magic Mike reject is the perfect example of the second season curse. Last year, Ashton was the loveable, beefy South African who almost died at sea and this year he became Regina George with steroids and toxic masculinity. From never giving Rhylee a chance, turning the rest of the deck crew against her, kissing Kate twice (against her will), rampaging in a moving vehicle, and giving Captain Lee a rimjob every chance he got, nothing Ashton did was likable. Ashton's lack of pussy intake could've been the reason responsible for his shitty behavior, or more realistically, maybe he's just a prick?
5. Brian de Saint Pern
The most memorable things Brian did were have a "sexless" fling with Courtney and call Kate a bitch. Yep, that was it. In the brü's defense, he was the hottest and most tolerable person with a penis aboard the boat, however, he's still guilty by association. Brian texting Courtney about the state of their "relationship" was pretty pathetic and him constantly yelling at her whenever she slightly didn't take his side gave me a headache. We definitely won't remember Brian in two years (or two weeks), but at least he gave us some eye candy to look at.
4. Simone Mashile
Although Simone wasn't the greatest stewardess, she was a lovely filler character and it was great to finally see a person of color on this show. How the fuck did it take seven seasons? She may have flown under the radar for a few episodes but let's not forget about her fighting with Kate, teaching herself how to serve the guests and getting eaten out by Tanner. This girl allowed a drunk frat boy's tongue inside her cookie jar for our entertainment, so on behalf of everyone with a Bravo subscription, Simone, we thank you for your service.
3. Courtney Skippon
In the scheme of things, Courtney didn't really do anything besides complain about working, flirt with Brian and sit on her phone in several nightclubs, however, her relatable confessionals about deserving to vacation on the yacht, instead of working on it, won me over. The second stew did a great job as Kate's sidekick and gave us enough bitchy quips to excuse her lack of drinking and sex on this show. I don't understand how anyone could sleep in the same bed as a hot South African deckhand and not have their cherry popped, but I guess Court is stronger than all of us.
2. Rhylee Gerber
This Alaskan beauty is a mother fucking Queen and anyone who doesn't agree can eat my shit. As a Rhylee stan, I can acknowledge her aggressive temper and aversion to doing what she's told was responsible for some of her fights aboard Valor, however, the boys definitely picked on her to bring themselves together and leave her out. The "You Can't Sit With Us" scene was particularly brutal. Even though the fiery fisherman was more explosive than a suicide bomber, they were still major assholes. This season was boring until Rhylee stepped onboard and thank fuck she did because I stan any Queen who can put a prick in their place and give us someone to root for.
1. Kate Chastain
Is there anyone else who could've won this season? Kate fought with almost every single cast member, was nearly punched in the face by Ashton, got called a bitch by Brian, put Kevin the Kunt in his narcissistic place time after time, toyed with the gross idea of almost sleeping with Tanner (everyone makes mistakes) and even quit in the middle of the season. All while giving us sassy comments and a resting bitch face. Kate is the head bitch in charge of this show for a reason and every HBIC needs at least one season of everyone turning against them, so they can prove why they wear the mother fucking crown.
Do you agree with our ranking? Sound off in the comments below!
Below Deck airs Monday at 9/8c on Bravo! Stay tuned at Good Tea for our exclusive tea and shady recaps on the horny boat crew.