It's been two months since I've published a single article as I took time off to celebrate the holidays, get wasted on New Years, start my university course and take a disastrous trip to the Gold Coast (don't ask). While I've been off living my best (?) life, so much fuckery has gone down in the Bravo universe and it would be more disgraceful than Ramona Singer's people skills if I didn't give my hot takes on all the juicy gossip we missed.
Brandi & Denise's Steamy Affair
My favorite news over the break was Brandi Glanville's alleged affair with Denise Richards. What's better than two Housewives having sex? When one Housewife (allegedly) lies about being in an open relationship and then gets outed on international television. I believe every word of these "rumors" and even though I only think it will be featured in two episodes at the end of the season, I am fucking obsessed and the people need a Brandi and Denise sex tape ASAP.
Racism In Dallas
While LeeAnne Locken was standing trial in the court of public opinion during the RHOD reunion for her racist comments, her wedding planner "coincidentally" posted a three-year-old video of Brandi impersonating Asian people. After she initially defended the video, even comparing it to SNL, the former cheerleader checked herself into rehab to save her job.
The racism coming out of the Texan franchise just feels dirty and it should probably go the way of Miami because the only cast member I really want to see on my screen is Kameron Westcott.
Vicki & Tamra Fired From RHOC
Within 24 hours two of the longest-standing cast members in Housewives history were fired from the first city of Bravo. Although both women's storylines ran dry toward the end, these ladies were integral parts of building not only their show but the entire Housewives franchise and it's a slap in the face for Bravo to let them go after all the bedwetting, wine throwing moments they've given us. The OC definitely needed a shakeup but this wasn't the answer. I hope everyone has fun watching Emily Simpson hold an orange...
Vanderpump Rules Racist Newbies
Only two episodes into the latest season, fans uncovered newbies Max and Brett's treasure trove of racist tweets with an addictive passion for the n-word, which ended their reality TV careers before they even began. In light of the mass exodus of OGs from the Housewives franchise in the last year, there's no way the network could justify continuing to employ two racist douchebags we don't even know.
I haven't made up my mind about this year's Vanderpump reboot, but there are definitely WAY too many cast members to handle. Several OGs go episodes without appearing and there's too many storylines to keep track of. The producers tried to take two steps forward by bringing in fresh meat, and now they're five steps back because two of them are no longer employable... Better luck next time.
Bev "Quits" RHONJ
The Prostitution Whore's violent fight with the Marge felt dirty, thirsty and way too dark. Both women hate each other more than Teresa hates using grammar, and their attempts to give us "iconic" moments (eg. the water, the purse burning, and the hair-pulling) just felt desperate from both sides. But of course, Beverly took it too far and again showcased the terrible human being she is.
In real-time, Bev is on the outs with the entire cast (including Teresa) and there's no possible way for her to return for another season since she's no longer a "friend" to anyone. So, her announcing her "exit" on WWHL before Bravo could fire her, was pathetic. I'll miss talking shit about the felon, but Jersey will survive without the sewer rat crawling out of her hole to stir up drama. Good luck with your IGTV channel, Bev.
Shahs Of Sunset Season 8 Trailer
After more than a year off the air, Bravo's resident Persians are back for "their most dramatic season yet" and with the demise of Reza and MJ's 30-year friendship, GG's surrogate journey, one of R. Kelly's victims becoming a cast member and all of the drinking throwing in the trailer, I'm hopeful it'll live up to the hype.
I'm THRILLED for the Shahs to be back (February 9th), so let me know if you want recaps as it airs the same day as RHOA.
The Pigs Of Below Deck
Ugh. I can't even be fucked to write about the misogynistic, egotistical gerbil fucks on Below Deck who claim to be men. The deck crew are literally Mean Girls with testosterone and toxic masculinity and the way they treat Rhylee and Kate (or anyone with a vagina) is fucking disgusting. The first two-thirds of the season were entertaining but watching Ashton's reign of terror rage on without any form of justice is infuriating and I'd rather watch Lisa Rinna have a colonic any day of the week.
For the record: Ashton and Kevin are Regina George, Brian is Gretchen and Tanner is Karen because he's as dumb as a box of rocks. Oh, and obviously Rhylee is Lindsay Lohan, red hair and all. Can someone make a crossover meme already?
Meghan King Edmonds' Messy Threesome TEA
This is news I didn't need and definitely didn't ask for. Detective Meghan King Edmonds revealed her asshole of an ex-husband is now dating her friend, who the couple once had a threesome with. Is there anything more awkward than your ex-husband dating your friend who you were both inside? It’s shocking, gross and just wrong. I hope Meghan’s started saving for all the years of therapy she’s going to have to put her kids through when they have the ability to Google.
The Demise Of NeNe Leakes
I don’t know who needs to hear this at Bravo but: FIRE NENE LEAKES. The press has not been Linnethia’s friend in the last few weeks after blogger LoveBScott revealed the Rich Bitch was the one who leaked Cynthia's card to the press and Yovanna claimed the audio recording, at the center of Snake Gate, was just a lie made up by Miss Leakes herself.
To top it off, NeNe’s “friend” Wendy Williams also announced on live TV that she was quitting the show, and although the ATL OG denied the claim, we can only hope. Between her negative energy and minimal screen time, NeNe is done, and if Vicki and Tamra don’t have jobs then she shouldn’t either. Bloop!
In the most predictable news of 2019: Juicy Joe and Teresa Giudice announced their divorce and surprised... no one. This marriage was done long before the felon even landed in Italy. Both parties have obviously cheated throughout the duration of this relationship and they both took 2.5 seconds to move on, after Tre was spotted “getting coffee” with the pool boy while Joe spent last weekend on an island of THOTs in Mexico. How the fuck does he have the time, money (or legal approval) to party in international waters? I don't have a flying fuck to give about this clusterfuck of a marriage, however, I hope they're both getting their pipes cleaned and tossing plenty of salads, respectively.
Stay tuned at Good Tea for new recaps and more juicy gossip coming your way!