Below Deck Recap: Paleo Problems

November 26, 2019

Thank fuck Rhylee is back. Words can't describe how happy I am about Rhylee and her trucker mouth's return, because, after a very slow start to the season, she managed to fly in and fuck shit up in a matter of hours. The redheaded deckhand saved the season and without her fiery attitude, we'd be stuck with ten more episodes about Kevin acting like a condescending cunt. 

 

Captain Lee pretended like it was his decision to bring Rhylee back to Bravo, however, we all know it was the producers who flew her in to amp up the drama. Every reality show needs a loudmouth, hot-tempered cast member who will call everyone out and give us the drama we deserve but also redeem themselves by showing off their spot side. Honestly, in my opinion, Rhylee is justified in every single altercation she's had on the show. She's always on the right side in any dispute she finds herself in, but her emotional and reactive ways cause everyone to always label her as the problem. Rhylee just speaks her mind and puts people in their places, which is exactly what we need. So again, thank fuck Rhylee is back. 

 

Ashton looked like he wanted to fist himself with a butter knife as soon as Rhylee came onboard, and even though they had problems last season, let's not forget she was the girl he'd drunkenly make out with whenever he struck out with a bimbo at the bar. Ashton was the one who put his tongue in Rhylee's mouth, and potentially his fingers in her cookie jar, so he needs to sit down, shut the fuck up and stay quiet. The bosun is obviously threatened by Rhylee because she's a strong woman who holds him accountable for his actions, on and off the boat. He's spent the entire season trying (and failing) to get his dick sucked, and he knows Rhylee's trucker mouth is going to continue to make that challenge a lot harder. 

 

The 40-year-old frat guests still occupied the boat during this episode, and I've never wanted to vomit all over myself more than I did whenever the primary, Michael, was on screen. Talk about white privilege. Michael practically forced Simone to start a #MeToo movement while he was on board with all his creepy, inappropriate advances he made towards her during the charter. It's disgusting seeing a drunk man try his hardest to get into someone else's pants, especially when the other party is physically uncomfortable while he's doing so. It sucks how the guests can act like Harvey Weinstein, while the crew members just have to sit there and take it. Surely, it gets to a point where the crew are allowed to defend themselves because Michael's predatory behavior was gag-worthy. This pig was relentless during the charter and I don't understand how someone can have no self-awareness whatsoever. 

 

First of all, flirting with someone who is working for you is inappropriate, to begin with, and if they are visually comfortable, wouldn't you have the idea to maybe stop what you're doing? Doesn't that sound like a logical idea? Even Captain Lee didn't even want anything to do with the creepy pig, and that's when you know someone is not only a bad guest but a bad human being. Apart from his #MeToo inspired behavior, the rest of the 40-year-old guests acted like college kids. I'm all for people having fun, but who wants to spend their vacation reenacting their college days with a beer bong and dressing up as pirates? I don't understand. What intelligent grown adult wants to walk around with a hook hand and talk like an illiterate Irish guy? Somebody make this make sense. To make the entire charter worse was the shitty tip Michael the Molester left at the end. You would think he'd throw in a couple extra grand of hush money based on his constant harassment of Simone, but I guess that didn't cross his mind. 

 

As per usual, Kevin is still a condescending prick and decided to take over Kate's job by demanding how the pirate dinner be served because he believes she doesn't know how to serve food. Um. Kate Chastain has been serving charter guests while Kevin was still in New Zealand fucking his pet sheep, so he needs to sit down, shut the fuck up and stick to cooking eggs. Kate is the chief stew of the boat and the head of service, so she's the only person who should determine how to run the plates. The chef is just an egotistical, OCD ridden control freak who does everything he can to assert his dominance on the crew, even if that means, controlling how the plates come out. Kevin telling Kate who to serve dishes to the guests is like Luann de Lesseps teaching Beyonce how to sing. It just doesn't make sense. Would he tell Captain Lee how to drive the boat? I don't think so. 

 

So far this season, Kevin has come across as an asshole, however, now I realize he's a misogynistic asshole. He would never speak to the men the way he constantly speaks to the women, by belittling them to assert his "power". That's just a fact. If one of the other guys stepped to him, he'd back down in a second and try to play it off as a joke, however, he can't help but treat the women onboard Valor like shit. When the crew finally got their much needed night out, Kevin was ordering food for the table and Rhylee asked if he could try and order one paleo option. Who knew that a fucking dietary suggestion would set off the OCD ridden chef? From that point on, Kevin complained through the entire dinner and didn't let go of the paleo conversation, not even Rhylee wanted to keep talking about. 

 

The female deckhand admitted she doesn't stick to the paleo diet, but it's her preference, which makes perfect sense. If she has the chance, she'll choose to stick by the caveman diet and if not, she'll just eat what everyone else is eating. It's not that big. However, Kevin and his ego decided to run with the paleo topic for the entire dinner and kept throwing in jabs about him not being her personal chef. Um? Okay? Rhylee isn't asking Kevin to get back there and whip up some paleo cuisine, she's just asking him to pick one thing on the menu that happens to be paleo. It's not that hard and if Ashton had made the suggestion, Kevin would've kept his mouth shut and fucking ordered it. I truly don't understand why he felt the need to keep bringing up the topic, but I guess he wanted to prove he had the biggest dick at the table, which was a huge mistake. 

 

Make no mistake, Rhylee's has an elephant dick under that skirt and it could eat the snail in between Kevin's legs for breakfast. Rhylee held her ground and made her contention clear, but Kevin wouldn't let the topic go. Nobody cares what Rhylee's dietary requirements are and I'm still confused why Kevin turned one comment into an entire storyline. I've said it before but I'll say it again: thank fuck for Rhylee. Kevin has been wreaking misogynistic havoc on the boat since he boarded it, so it's about time someone came in to put him in his place. Rhylee isn't going to let the rodent of a chef get away with anything, which is exactly what we need. Kate will always get back at Kevin through shitty digs, however, Rhylee won't let him finish a sentence without picking apart every word in it. And that's a fact. 

 

Rhylee is a justice queen sent from the oceans of Alaska to restore order on the boat and stop Kevin's inflated ego from walking all over everyone. While the crew were having their post-dinner smoking session, Ashton had the audacity to blame the fight on Rhylee. What the actual fuck? All Rhylee did was defend herself while Kevin was acting like a dog with a bone, so Ashton deciding to blame her is beyond piggish behavior. Obviously, he doesn't like her but he can't act like everything is her fault. As a result, Rhylee got her trucker mouth out in full force and yelled at both Ashton and Tanner for ganging up on her after Kevin started the entire ordeal. Rhylee is a queen and I can't believe we've spent the last seven episodes without her. As far as I'm concerned, Ashton and Kevin can suck Rhylee's dick because there's a new head bitch in charge of the boat and she's got a paleo preference. 

 

Below Deck airs Monday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the horny boat crew!

 

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