The only person having a worse time on this boat than Abbi is Ashton's penis. Less than 24 hours after getting engaged via text message, the redheaded Disney princess lookalike decided to quit due to her hatred of working on a motor yacht. I'm sorry but what the fuck? If you have a history of working on sailboats, why the fuck would you decide to take a job on a massive yacht if you have no experience? The only answer is reality television.
If there weren't Bravo cameras onboard the boat, there's no way Abbi would've ever applied to work on Valor. This girl is the definition of a millennial, she gets engaged over text and decides to quit her job when things get a bit too hard. The only things Abbi got in trouble for was wearing her hair out and fucking up her radio, but those aren't really plausible excuses to hand in your resignation. If you don't like something, you don't like something and if Abbi was having anxiety over her job I completely understand why she'd quit, however, leaving the entire crew high and dry just because she was sick of the job after two weeks is more selfish than Countess Luann's ego. While Abbi was quitting, Tanner was slowly dying in his cabin, so the deck crew was initially two people down. If you knew the team was already going to struggle, wouldn't you stay to help out?
Abbi's departure was weird, awkward and abrupt. At the end of the day she only completed three charters and anyone would still be rusty if they were starting out, but the redheaded crew member should've at least tried to stick it out for a few more weeks or until Tanner didn't need a toilet by his side at all hours of the day. After she decided to leave, Abbi had the audacity to be shocked when they forced her off the boat as soon as they docked at shore. If you don't want to work there, then you can't go out and drink with the crew. Those are the rules. While she seemed like a good person, I don't really give a fuck about Abbi leaving because all she brought to this show was a bizarre engagement storyline, an abundance of hair and tears. At least with her gone the producers can bring back a ghost from Below Deck's past, and my sneaky suspicion is that they'll fly Rhylee out to Thailand to keep the boy to girl ratio the same, and bring the drama. You heard it here first.
Not to shade Captain Lee, but if this was Sandy's boat I definitely don't think Abbi would've left. Sandy is much warmer and nurturing than Lee, she's much easier to talk to and if she heard Abbi was having problems onboard I have no doubt she would've rushed down to the crew quarters, given her a warm Captain Sandy hug and talked her off the cliff. Nobody is going to seek out Captain Lee to be comforted or consoled because he always seems like a turd under his nose at all times. Everyone wants to call him the Stud of the Sea, and I'm sure he's an amazing mentor to learn from, but he's also as boring as a block of cheese and kind of an asshole.
Following Abbi walking her suitcase down the dock, Tanner continued to vomit his internal organs down the toilet. This is why you don't eat street food in Thailand. The sounds coming from Tanner's bathroom were haunting and if I didn't know any better I would've thought someone was harvesting his organs. The only thing worse than being sick on a boat is not being able to go out and drink with the crew on your night off. Can you imagine the FOMO of all your colleagues getting wasted while your stuck being a walking sewerage system? Ew.
Before we dive into the crew's horny night out in Thailand, let's discuss Chef Kevin. Ugh. I've never cared about anyone less on reality TV, Kevin isn't even important enough to hate he's just redundant and mundane. For the past few episodes, the only thing Kevin and his Prince William bald spot have talked about is the fact Captain Lee hates him, so he went out of his way to impress the captain by cooking an amazing dinner. For some reason, Kevin decided to feed the guests (and his boss) beef tongue, which almost sounds like a mild form of sexual assault. Are we sure that's legal? Kevin took a risk and it paid off, but if I wanted beef tongue in my mouth, I'd make out with a cow. Who knows where that dirty tongue has been? The good news is Kevin has been redeemed in Lee's eyes, the bad news is he's not going anywhere. The cunt of a chef was a bad meal away from walking the plank, but thanks to his gross tongue recipe he's here to stay. Can Ben be the chef on every season because at least he's entertaining when he's being an asshole?
Following a hard three days at work, the crew went out to smoke cigarettes, get drunk and exchange bodily fluids. Courtney and Brian are finally starting to develop a connection. The South African deckhand has a glorious penis ravine and the passage to his dick is literally scalped by the gods, however, he decided to go on a date with the one person in the world who isn't impressed by his jacked body. Courtney only thinks people are hot after she gets to know their personality which is nice in theory, but there's no way the third stew can ignore Brian's body. I love these two together. Courtney is a queen who hates everything and knows she's destined to marry rich and have a life full of caviar and champagne, while Brian is a rugged, South African yachtie with a hot, yet slightly annoying accent. Who knows, maybe Courtney can be Brian's Ravine Queen? These two make a beautiful pairing, and I hope they become the power couple of the season because we're six episodes in and the crew's sex lives have been drier than the Sahara desert.
While everyone was happy Brian and Courtney started to slowly form a romantic connection, Ashton was in his cabin sticking needles into his Brian voodoo doll. The bosun wants pussy more than a Real Housewife wants attention, but no girl is going to fuck him if they know he's only after their cookie, especially Courtney. Ashton doesn't want a girlfriend, he doesn't want a showmance, he just wants someone to suck his dick and swallow his potential children, which makes me want to have a Tanner sized puking session. For six episodes now we've seen Ashton get blind drunk and try to slur his way into Courtney's heart, but no girl is going to go down on you when you can't even keep your eyes open long enough to form a sentence.
I don't think Ashton is an asshole or a bad guy, I just think he's a sexually frustrated yachtie who needs to take a cold shower and calm the fuck down. If he wants someone to suck his dick so bad, can't he just use his hand and cut out the middle man? Problem solved. Ashton's ego was inflated after he was the hottest on board last season, however, now he has the competition of Tanner and Brian, and he doesn't know how to handle it. You can see the jealousy seeping out of Ashton like sap seeping out a tree and I don't understand why he doesn't just find a random girl in the club to bang, instead of constantly trying to get into Courtney's pants. The chances of Courtney allowing Ashton inside her are the same as Kevin no longer being a pretentious prick: not likely.
In an effort to reduce Ashton's predatory energy towards Courtney, Brian decided to dare him to make out with Kate and after the cameras sneakily caught Brian and Courtney locking lips for the first time, Ashton crept up behind the chief stew and shoved his tongue down her throat faster than you can say CONSENT. Kate and Ashton's drunken kiss was weird, creepy and gross, especially considering Kate was trying to find an exit like a passenger on the Titanic. It was like seeing two cousins drunkenly making out at a family event and its something I never need to see again. Ever again. Although Ashton's tongue was an unwanted visitor in Kate's mouth, I do hope the Font Queen of Below Deck can get laid this season, and I hope Tanner is the one laying the pipes, he just needs to stop talking about her age every time the chief stew is brought up.
The only thing that complicates the Tanner and Kate's situation is the fact Simone is now being attracted to the vomiting deckhand. This is the type of drama we want. It may have taken six episodes for this show to get started, but the producers are definitely laying the groundwork and I can see this hot mess express starting to chug along with love triangles, messy hookups, and explosive fights. This crew has untapped hot mess potential and while I know we have treasures in store, I just want the producers to press fast forward and give us the entertainment we need.
Below Deck airs Monday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the horny boat crew!