This was one of the greatest seasons in Housewives history and while this reunion delivered on all cylinders, I still wish Katie and her Party City wigs could've gotten an invite to the event. I love Katie and I need Katie, however, between her "colorful" behavior and social media comments bashing the producers of the show, I think we all know why she'll never see the light of a Bravo camera ever again.
For the third part of the reunion, they brought the husband's out onto the stage but before they dove headfirst (pun definitely intended) into all the Michael drama, Andy held a roundtable discussion for all the couple's to talk about their sex lives. What's more appropriate than using casual sex talk as foreplay for their discussion about sexual assault? In case you're wondering, Candiace's sex life with Brown Dick is "decent" which is exactly what you want to hear after a year of marriage, Robyn's opposed to having a threesome while we all know Juan would have one with or without Robyn in the room, Monique and Big Chris went through a three month draught but she still managed to give him head and Karen still uses her tongue control technique to keep the Black Bill Gates satisfied.
Little Miss Forehead reminded everyone that Michael has a much bigger libido than her, which we know. We all know. Michael's libido has been the seventh Housewife this season and his inability to keep it in his pants is the reason these ladies even got a three-part reunion. Gizelle was also there for the entire conversation, but between Sherman and her cheating ex-husband, I don't think Green-Eyed Bandit #1 has much to report about regarding her sex life.
Michael Darby is the fucking worst. For the majority of the season, he stayed in the corner grabbing asses while the ladies questioned Ashley about his rapey behavior, however, Bravo gave him an hour to address all the claims made against him and he successfully made himself look more guilty than O.J. Simpson holding a bloody knife. Although we needed Michael to address these issues once and for all to somewhat achieve closure on Butt Gate, it was a waste of fucking time because it was just an (alleged) butt grabber's word against an entire cast and crew's word.
As fun as it is to laugh about the delusions of Luann de Lesseps, Ashley Darby, and Kelly Bensimon, it also sucks because it gets to a point where they will never rationally see a situation for what is it and everyone else gives up trying to hold them accountable because it is never going to go anywhere. Michael isn't going to turn around and admit he has an addiction for penis, or acknowledge he sexually assaulted the entire crew of his wife's reality show. It's not going to happen, so an hour of Crocodile Dundee denying facts that anybody with half a brain knows to be true was infuriating, tedious and fucking annoying.
Where do we even start? First of all, I never want to imagine Michael and Ashley ever having sex. Ever. I hope their baby was an immaculate conception because the thought of Michael plowing Ashley with his albino digeridoo makes me want to vomit in a bucket and send it to their one-bedroom apartment. When first asked to defend his actions or explain his side of the story, Michael decided to use his time to attack the women on the couch saying they should be embarrassed and ashamed. Um. Uh. Okay? If anyone on this entire show should be embarrassed or ashamed it should be Michael Fucking Darby and the only other person who even comes close to being embarrassed or ashamed should be Ashley for defending her rodent of a husband.
All these ladies did was REACT to Michael saying he wanted to suck Juan's dick, Michael being charged with grabbing the cameraman's ass and Michael grabbing any male ass that he comes within a two-mile radius of. None of these ladies would be able to talk about any of this if Michael Darby didn't do it. It's that fucking simple. According to Chester the Molester, he only "bumped" into the cameraman, but if you "bumped" into someone they wouldn't aggressively tell you not to touch them while you giggled like a schoolgirl. Nothing Michael says ever makes sense and his explanations of these "issues" is like a six-year-old's explanation of the Cold War. It just doesn't make sense.
As far as I'm concerned, one plus one equals two but to Michael, one plus one must equal window. The fact that we've come to a point where this man needs to clarify the difference between a tap on the ass and groping someone is insane to me. Also, as an Australian myself, it's definitely not a "cultural" thing to grab someone else's ass and Michael trying to use American's ignorance of Australian culture to try and get away with sexual assault is fucking disgusting. You can't blame your predatory behavior on your culture, that's not how it fucking works and it's not an excuse anyone should accept. Ever. I can't even be bothered discussing Michael's actions because it's so despicable to see him try and manipulate his way out of it.
When his dick sucking comment was brought up, instead of admitting some kind of guilt, the albino kangaroo decided to shame Robyn for being drunk as a way to discredit her claims against him. What are we supposed to believe? That Robyn, Candiace and Brown Dick all conspired together to take Michael down with an off-camera dick sucking comment? No fucking way. If they were going to plot and scheme, I'm sure they would've at least agreed on whether or not he was talking about a penis or a sausage beforehand. Does Michael want to convince all of us that everything being said about him is untrue? That dozens of people just made up different stories to fuck with him? No. The common denominator in all of this butt grabbing mess is Michael Darby and in the words of Heather Dubrow, if everyone is saying you're dead, it's time to lay down.
In just one hour, Brown Dick revealed Michael (allegedly) groped the same cameraman's butt at L2, the same night he said he wanted to deepthroat Juan. All the ladies revealed they had heard Michael groped all their producers' asses. Ray even threw his hat in the ring and reminded everyone of when Michael grabbed Andy Cohen's ass at a reunion. How many ass grabbing stories does everyone need to come up with before Michael realizes what he's doing is wrong?
Fair enough, if he wants to blame his behavior on "being Australian" and light-hearted fun, then go ahead, but if everyone is telling you that your actions aren't okay and that it's considered assault, then it's time to keep your hands to yourself as a 70-year-old man and admit defeat. Michael Darby is nauseating and him attacking the women to deflect from his own behavior was not only embarrassing but made me sick. This is the problem with sexual assault, people are too scared to speak up because THIS happens. A white, entitled, rich, old man deflects the issue onto you and tries to poke holes in your argument to make it seem invalid, and that is not okay. Michael Darby is just a symbol of what is wrong with society. I'm sure he'll never grab anyone's ass again (on-camera), not because he thinks it's wrong but because he knows these women will hold him accountable for his creepy behavior.
Michael officially joined the Top Gaslighters of Bravo Club, where he's welcomed by Jax Taylor, Kim Zolciak, and Vicki Gunvalson. As a Libra, there's one thing I can't stand and it's making someone else feel crazy as a way to discredit what they're saying. All the ladies were literally stating cold hard facts and Michael continued to deflect in any and every way he could think of which is so violating, especially in Libra Season. At any other time of the year, I may be able to stomach his manipulative, conniving ways but not in the middle of a season centered around balance and justice. No fucking way.
Justice will never be served in this case, Michael will always lie and defend himself and we will never get anywhere. For some reason, he walked into the reunion thinking he was the only person with any credibility on the stage, which begs the question, why the fuck did he even bother to show up? The closeted predator wanted to be able to "say his piece" and silence any negativity towards him, but that's not how a Housewives reunion works after you've spent an entire season grabbing asses and dreaming of choking on Juan Dixon's BBC. It's just not how it works.
It makes me so mad to even think of Michael Darby and his gaslighting ways, it really should be illegal and we need laws to be made to lock up every entitled cunt who thinks they can assault people, deflect from the issue at hand and get away with it. Don’t throw dirt into someone’s else’s lawn if yours is in need of some serious fertilizer. Period. End of story. The ladies all said Michael should've thanked Ashley for standing by him but who really gives a fuck? This geriatric kangaroo sexually assaulting people and getting away with it is more important than him thanking his dumb wife for enabling his disgusting actions.
Production hates this man, and the camera following his creepy walk off while all ladies said they don't feel safe around him was pretty evident of that. Even though Little Miss Forehead needs this show to put food on her husband's table, it's really in their best interests to get the fuck off reality TV because the producers are going to going to continue to roast Michael Darby through subtle editing for as long as they choose to stay on Bravo.
The Real Housewives of Potomac airs Sunday at 8/7c on Bravo! Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on these Maryland ladies.