Shade of the Week: The Real Housewives of Atlanta

October 3, 2019

ATLANTA IS BACK BABY!

 

Words can’t describe the joy I felt when The Real Housewives of Atlanta season 12 trailer dropped and Kenya Moore was standing their front and centre reclaiming her snatched peach. Obviously, we’ve known Kenya was returning for a while now, but seeing her glammed up in a dramatic Bravo shot makes it all the more real. 

 

NeNe Leakes may be the OG, but Miss Twirl is the star of the show. Love her or hate her, Kenya always brings the drama and the show still managed to be entertaining in NeNe’s two-season absence, but without Kenya, the girls filmed an entire season about nothing. Now that Kenya is back holding onto a juicy peach, it feels like season 11 never even happened and Calamari’s bad wigs seem like a distant thing of the past. Did she even exist? Was it all a dream? I don’t know and I don’t care but the Atlanta Housewives are back and it’s all thanks to their resident shit-stirrer. 

 

The only watchable part of season 11 was Kenya gatecrashing Cynthia Bailey’s finale party and knocking the Moose’s fragile ego. If one cameo appearance from the Queen herself can cause more drama than any of the other petty bullshit that went on last season, then it obviously proves the show doesn’t work without her. Nothing happened for an entire season and then NeNe ends her friendship with 52 Cynt all because of Kenya. The impact this woman has is beyond. She literally gave birth on the fucking season 11 premiere day! Need we say more?

 

Kenya Moore is to RHOA what a flame is to a cigarette. Sure, you can spend $5 on a packet of Marlboros but without a flame, you’re just sitting there with a pointless cancer stick in your mouth. Season 11 was literally that. We were all sitting at home holding a cigarette in our mouths but weren’t able to actually feel any joy from it, but luckily the ATL’s flame is back to give us all the health defects we’ve been craving. 

 

The upcoming season of Atlanta looks insane. Kenya is fighting with NeNe and Eva Marcille while also filing for divorce midseason. Any Queen that is smart enough to divorce their husband in the middle of filming a reality show is an All-Star in my book and it gives her at least three seasons of storyline that she doesn’t even need to manufacture. They can either try and mend their relationship in a forced Sheree and Bob will-they-won’t-they storyline, or Kenya can spend a season crying about it and then get back out into the dating game.

 

How wild is it to think that after literal years of hating each other to their cores that Kenya and Porsha Williams are now friends. They were the two resident single girls on the show but within a couple of years they’ve both found love, popped out a cute little baby and now they’re “working” on their relationships with their men. Kenya and Porsha are an alliance nobody wants to fuck with and the sign of true friends is when you started off as enemies. Who else can say they’re now Mommy & Me friends with a girl who (literally) dragged them on international television? 

 

As for Porsha, she’s also feuding with NeNe which is evident from whatever the fuck was going on in that Toronto hotel room. Violence is never the answer, but who says you can’t “lunge” at someone for dramatic effect, knowing full well security will never let you actually make contact? Porsha’s hot king boyfriend (allegedly) cheated on her, the writing is on the wall, and is anyone shocked? No. Not one bit. Mr. Hot Dog, his muffled voice and Porsha were never going to work out, which was evident from the moment last season opened with him buying her a ring after knowing her for 48 hours. However, whether Little Miss Freak got married or broke up with her man, she still, like Kenya has at least three seasons of storyline no matter what option she chooses. We’re going to see the two trying to reconcile this season and while I don’t give a quarter of a fuck about her letting his hot dog back into her bun, at least she’s giving us something to watch. 

 

Who else is on the cast? 52 Cynt will always be a Queen in my mind and Season 7 Cynthia is coming back full force this season. Cynthia is so much more likable when her tongue isn’t all the way up NeNe’s asshole and she may be “the boring one” on this franchise, but when 52 Cynt’s backed into a corner she can give us everything we need. Everyone always sleeps on Cynthia but this is a woman who has gone against the OG of the ATL several times and also kicked Porsha in the stomach. Need we say more? Her engagement to Mike Hill is so cute and I’m not sure I’ve ever seen two people more in love, let’s just hope he doesn’t turn into a Patricia Thomas and try to still her peach like Papa Smurf did. 

 

Kandi Burruss is back and she’s still bringing us her don’t start none, won’t be none attitude. Kandi is always quietly brilliant in the corner making coins and only steps in to offer her opinion or roast someone in her shaky voice. Miss No Scrubs and 52 Cynt are the same, they’re fine and chill but when you push them they’ll serve you with facts that nobody can deny. This season Kandi’s working on her businesses and preparing for her surrogate. I don’t really care about either of those things but I love seeing a Queen build an empire off the show, Kandi is literally approaching Skinnygirl level with everything she’s done over the years and although she has the most money on the show, she’s still a frugal bitch which can stan. Also, surrogacy is the way to go, who wants to be disfigured for a child when you could pay someone else to do? Kandi Burruss is winning. 

 

NeNe is back and although she obviously serves a purpose by fighting with 90% of the cast, her negative energy and victim mentality is so fucking draining. She’ll never admit when she’s wrong and takes criticism worse than a virgin takes a dick. The Rich Bitch's mood is more unreliable than gas station sushi. NeNe’s anger is so tedious at this point and her asking Gregg for open relationship was nothing more than for shock value because we know that Linnethia would never allow Gregg up inside any other pussy. I don’t care about their fake open relationship conversation, but I do care about the Rich Bitch lunging for Kenya in a hotel room because she may be annoying but NeNe knows how to bring the drama. 

 

What else is going on? Unfortunately, they decided to bring Eva back which is a big mistake. Huge. I didn’t care about Eva to begin with because she acts like she’s a bad bitch who’s above the drama when she’s really just a monotone snake who can’t own her shade. The only thing worse than a Housewife who can’t own their shady behavior is a Housewife who is pregnant. Go and have your baby off-camera, we don’t need to see her sitting on the sidelines, being sober and missing out on cast trips just because she’s carrying another human being inside her. That’s what we don’t need. Eva is so dull, redundant and boring and I forget she’s even on the show 90% of the time, but I guess we have to sit through another season of her lacklustre personality and orange hair. 

 

If anyone should’ve gotten that sixth peach it's Tanya Sam. I don’t know her storyline for the season but she’s the one who brings the ladies to Carnival in Toronto and ended up on the cast trip to Greece. Just for her participation in the international travel alone means she should’ve had Eva’s peach. I fucking love Tanya. She’s funny, soft, relatable, fashionable and was by far the best new addition of last year. The fact that Calamari and Eva were awarded peaches over the Canadian tech guru is mind-boggling. Marlo Hampton is also still around to be NeNe’s sidekick because no one else is fucking with her negative energy, and with Marlo comes drama. Marlo and mess are literally synonyms at this point and there’s nothing I love more than a sugar baby who’s pushing 50 and still living her best life decked out in head to do in Gucci and Prada that a white guy paid for. 

 

I am beyond ready for the upcoming season, more so than Jersey. New Jersey has managed to become entertaining again, however, their drink throwing, hair pulling drama is just contrived for the cameras. Period. End of story. Atlanta has always been one of the most authentic Housewives franchises and with Kenya back, now they’ll be entertaining too. 

 

 

The Real Housewives of Atlanta airs November 3rd at 8/7c on Bravo! Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on our favourite Georgia peaches. 

 

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