The ladies of Potomac (and the Greater Maryland area) are about a decade behind all the other cities in the fashion department, however, that doesn't stop them from trying (and failing) to give us LEWKS. I'm obsessed with the white theme and I'm just glad these bitches STUCK to a theme in the first place after last year's clusterfuck of a reunion. Just like death and taxes, one certainty in life is that the Potomac Housewives will always give me enough ￼disastrous fashion content to fuel these rankings.
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6. Robyn Dixon
Fuck. No. Is Juan Robyn's stylist because whoever is making her wear these things obviously hates her. Green-Eyed Bandit #2 looks like Elsa's slutty aunt with this winter white dress but somehow also managed to toe the line between a 12-year-old baby prostitute and a middle-aged realtor at the same time. Her titties are out and the dress alone is something an eighth-grade THOT would wear to homecoming, but that weird bukkake covered rope and whatever is on her head, makes Robyn look like your elderly aunt who still sends you $10 for your birthday and has a draw full of butterscotchs when you come over.
5. Ashley Darby
You would think having a gay husband that Ashley would be the best dressed every year but she looks like Little Red Riding Hood ran away to become a stripper in the forest. Seriously, what is up with the capes this year? Unless you're a cult leader or a superhero, you have no reason to be wearing a fucking cape. Little Miss Forehead is doing way too much with this outfit from the fairytale cape to the ample amount of cleavage on display and all that lace, I feel sorry for anybody who actually took the time to sew this monstrosity together because it looks like someone set a budget bridal store on fire. Imagine gold-digging off your gay husband for years, only to end up looking like a slutty fairytale character. Tragic.
4. Gizelle Bryant
Again, what the fuck Gizelle? I don't hate this look, however, Green-Eyed Bandit #1 was obviously just trying to suck up Andy's asshole by wearing a jumpsuit. Any Housewife who wears a jumpsuit to a reunion or on WWHL is not to be trusted because it's just a play designed to trigger Andy's jumpsuit fetish and show off some camel toe. Nobody wants to see the outline of anyone's vagina, ever, especially Gizelle's, so she and her flaps are doing way too much in this look. I'm also not a fan of the slicked back "I just had a shower" hair but it's not the worst ensemble of the day.
3. Monique Samuels
This is what I'm talking about. Monique knows how to look effortlessly beautiful. While everyone else is throwing capes, feathers, and lace onto their costumes for some kind of dramatic effect, Mrs. Not For Lazy Moms just slipped into a simple white gown with a nice black long weave. It's simple, it's understated and it's fucking beautiful. If anyone else put this little effort in, it would be more boring than watching Michael pretend to be straight, but somehow Monique manages to pull it off with grace and sex appeal.
2. Karen Huger
Karen Huger is a fucking queen. Enough said. I don't need anything more because La Dame gave us everything we needed from her with this one look. Her hairline is pulled all the way forward, her dress is simple but sexy enough with the cutouts and her hair is the perfect mix between Hollywood bombshell and "I just had sex in the back of my trailer." As the most senior member of the group, Mrs Black Bill Gates has shown all the other ladies how it's done and for anyone wondering, that doesn't involve contrived jumpsuits or bukkake ropes. The Grand Dame definitely does not crumble.
1. Candiace Dillard
Candiace looks like a peacock got shot on its wedding day, but in the best way possible. There's no fault when it comes to this look. The dress is simple and laid back which gives room from for the explosion of feathers to take centre stage and tie everything together. If there's one thing Candiace loves more than a white guy with a brown dick, it's a dramatic feathered shoulder that gets stuck in the person's face next to her. A Housewives reunion is a passive-aggressive beauty pageant that lasts 12 hours and the resident butter knife queen of Potomac definitely knows how to win a pageant. Little Miss Trust Fund has officially grown up!
The Real Housewives of Potomac airs Sunday at 8/7c on Bravo! Stay tuned at Good Tea for our exclusive tea and shady recaps on the Maryland ladies.