The OC is officially back on the map. Yes, the last two seasons of this show have been like watching a well-oiled train fall into disrepair, however, these ladies came back with all hands on deck for their fourteenth season and are polishing that train until they can see Vicki Gunvalson's ass in the reflection. This episode was what dreams are made off and it just proves, all you need to make great reality TV is to lock a bunch of manic women in a room together for an extended period of time, pile them with alcohol and watch them go.
This Arizona wellness retreat episode was Berkshires level entertainment, which is the highest quality of TV that any Housewives franchise can achieve, if you've hit Berkshires level then you can't get any fucking higher. The OC ladies do their best work on vacation whether it's Mexico, Bali, Iceland, Ireland, Jamaica, Costa Rica or even fucking Glamis, these ladies can deliver on vacation even in their worst season and still manage to have drunk fights and take enough trips to the hospital to last any normal person a lifetime. Let's hope Bravo gives these bitches amazing health insurance because international hospital visits cost almost the same amount as a college education.
Why do the OC ladies need to go to the hospital every single time they leave the state of California? Whether it's Vicki being airlifted out after an RV crash, Tamra breaking her foot in Mexico, Vicki being wheeled out of Iceland in a Michael Jackson-esque blanket or Shannon rushing to the emergency room after being hit on the head with a mallet, these bitches always end their night in the ER.
As stupid and hilarious as BowlGate is, it's also very fucking serious. Shannon is dramatic and neurotic to begin with, so with her blurry vision combined with Tamra's spinal leakage horror story, there's no surprise she wanted to get it checked out. Was it over the top? Absolutely, but you can't fuck around with a head injury and nobody can judge how much pain Shannon was in, except Shannon. I love Kelly Dodd and how she can call somebody a cunt in less than a minute, however, she looked like a fucking asshole this episode. Period. End of story.
The resident cunt caller of Orange County is made to be on reality TV with her bad sex jokes and explosive personality, but I think we can all agree, if someone was screaming at you saying you were full of shit right after they also hit you in the head with a mallet, you wouldn't want to be friends with them either. Kelly has zero self-awareness, which is a key asset to being an amazing Housewife, however, it isn't a key asset to being a good friend.
Kelly thinks Shannon can't be trusted and is scheming against her, but Little Miss Nine Lemons didn't make her hit her in the head. If Kelly apologized it would've all gone away, however, she just kept screaming, yelling and insulting which only gave everyone more reasons to be mad at her. It's maths people. While Shannon was in the emergency room with an (alleged) mild concussion, Kelly spent her night hitting Gina on the head and saying she's not accomplished.
First of all, a "love tap" on the head does make for great TV, but you can't go slapping people just to prove a point. Someone getting physical with you when you're not expecting it, really is the most violating thing ever, even if it is in jest. Like usual, Kelly apologized in 3.2 seconds but then went on to bring up Gina's DUIs, saying she's not accomplished. This is why I love Kelly because she doesn't hold back. In Beverly Hills, everyone would've ignored the elephant in the room, but these bitches will throw it right in your face.
Kelly does have a point, a DUI is the most stupid thing you can do in this day and age with Uber and every other app under the fucking sun, however, who hasn't made a mistake? The only thing I'm mad about in this situation is that we still haven't seen the fucking mugshot. WHERE IS IT?! DOES IT EXIST?! If the Countess had one, then Little Miss Long Island definitely does. I am so sick of all these Housewives calling each other unaccomplished when the only accomplishment any of them have is marrying rich. Kelly married rich and divorced him once she got a Bravo paycheck, Tamra married rich and divorced him once she got a Bravo paycheck, Shannon married rich and divorced him once she got a Bravo paycheck and now Gina is the latest Housewife to marry rich and get a divorce once she got a Bravo paycheck. Do I need to go on?
It's the most disgusting thing to see all these women fight about being "accomplished" when most of them only grew their businesses by using reality TV as a vehicle to promote them. It's fucking ridiculous and we need the resume shaming to stop. Also, Gina managed to push three kids out of her vagina, which is a pretty big accomplishment if you ask me. Kelly ripped through Gina like Ray J's dick ripped through Kim Kardashian's 2007 pussy and it's obviously not going to be a fair fight, between an angry Kelly Dodd and a fragile, weak Gina K. I can't be fucked spelling her eyesore of a last name.
In the end, Kelly apologized and made up with both Shannon and Gina, but her "I'm sorry" was just a bandaid on a gaping wound. No one makes me laugh like Kelly Dodd because everything she does seems like something out of weird SNL sketch, however, the next time she explodes on one of the women for having an emotion that doesn't agree with her, her behavior on the Arizona trip is going to come back and bite her right in her tight little ass. At the end of the day, Kelly acted like a bridezilla finding out her dress was two sizes too small, it was morally horrible, however, it was hilarious to watch which is her main redeeming factor. If Kelly's fits of anger weren't so funny, she wouldn't still have an orange to play with.
If she sat back and evaluated her actions, I'm sure Kelly wouldn't be proud of herself but she gets into a survivor mode and decides to call people cunts and hit them in order to defend herself. Kelly protecting herself is like a mama bird defending her babies against a bunch of cunty teens trying to steal her eggs, she can't help but get it in her own way, it's like a blind man walking over his cane.
I don't give a fuck about crystal healers, group meditation or seeing these bitches curled up into a cacoon during an aerial yoga class, but I guess they're the only courses on offer at an Arizona wellness retreat. The Miraval staff looked shocked in the background of every scene seeing these OC ladies fight, cry and slap each other on the head, but they really need to wipe the looks of shock off their faces and grab some popcorn because they're getting a front-row seat to an experience most Housewives fans can only dream. Imagine telling your kids in 30 years time that you were in the room when Kelly Dodd hit Shannon Beador in the head with a mallet? I rest my case.
Apart from Kelly fighting with half the cast, Gina and Emily also got into it over their crumbling friendship. It's so sad seeing true friendships be torn apart by reality TV, especially over something so stupid. Yes, it was a bad look for Gina to be in Vegas only weeks after being caught drink driving, however, if she and Emily were real friends, she should've gone to her straight away instead of bitching about their issues to the Tres Amigas. The sophomore Housewives issues have nothing to do with Emily's questionable Vegas trip and everything to do with Gina ditching her friend to get into the popular group.
The Long Island import finally managed to get Shannon Beador to acknowledge her existence and found her place on the show, but now she's talking shit about her friend to try and keep her spot in the cool group. I've said it before and I'll say it again, Gina is Lindsay Lohan in Mean Girls. The Tres Amigas are The Plastics and Emily is the weird emo goth girl whose name escapes me. While we're at it, Brown Wind can be that chubby girl who sneaks into the school and cries about rainbows. All Gina has done is complain about the Vegas trip and say Emily wasn't there for her but was the Amanda Bynes doppelganger calling up Emily to check in on her marriage with her little bitch of a husband? I don't think so. These two did have a good friendship, even if it was born from the other ladies refusing to talk to them, but Gina throwing it out the window to sit with the popular girls isn't a good look.
Who knew one sad Vegas trip where Emily did a slutty dance for her father-in-law would cause so much drama through the group? While Gina was sad that she was invited, Shannon and Tamra got offended that they weren't. In the spirit of Housewives, Emily could've invited the whole group as an effort to show everyone she wants to move forward, but on the other hand, I don't think she wanted to watch the show back in three months to see Tamra and Shannon making snarky comments in their confessionals about her shitty dance moves. Shannon Beador looks at Emily the same way an anorexic girl looks at a juicy chocolate cake: with disgust, so there's no way she actually gave a quarter of a fuck about not being invited to Vegas. And Tamra definitely would've preferred to stay in her Coto home, instead of spending two days watching her "friend" do slut drops in front of her father-in-law.
As far as the Shrek insult goes, of course, it's mean and really fucked up, but I love a Housewife who can come up with a bitchy insult more than I love eating a kebab at 3 AM during a drunken night out. In the end, Emily apologized and agreed to move forward with the ladies, but we all know these relationships are going to remain more stagnant than Vicki Gunvalson's face after a round of Botox.
The Real Housewives of Orange County airs Monday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the first ladies of Bravo!