RHOP Reunion Recap: Child Support

September 16, 2019

Andy claimed this year's reunion theme was inspired by the French Quarter of New Orleans, but it really just looked like someone set a budget bridal store on fire. Half these looks need to be burned and the other half only looked good because they were being contrasted against lace shower curtains, however, you can dive into our reunion fashion roundup here for the full breakdown

 

While the entire cast's stylists raged a war against them and sent them out on national TV in bukkake robes and lace table cloths, the ladies sat down for their fourth reunion and although they kept me thoroughly entertained for the entire hour, I miss Katie. It was odd not seeing Katie drunkenly gazing off into the distance while the women went at it and her intoxicated, dysfunctional and snarky presence was definitely missed from this sit-down. With Katie's absence out of the way, first things first, Ashley's newborn is the ugliest baby in the entire world. This woman literally gave birth to her husband. Sure, I shouldn't be talking shit about a baby but Michael Jr was a product of a business relationship between a closeted gay man and his gold-digging trophy wife, so let's not get it twisted. 

 

Can you imagine? You marry a man for money and get knocked up for the child support payments because your prenup is about to run out and the child ends up looking exactly like your ugly geriatric husband. Karma is a bitch and she knows exactly where Ashley lives. Period. End of story. I almost felt bad that Ashley was now stuck in this relationship with her penis addicted husband, however, she chose this and karma gave her exactly what she deserved - an ugly baby and a gay husband. They always say, you marry for money and you pay for the rest of your life and Ashley Darby is walking, talking proof of this in a slutty Little Red Riding Hood dress. And for the record, most babies are ugly. For the first couple of months, all babies look like old Jewish men before they grow into their features and get some hair on their head. 

 

It seems like a sick joke that Ashley is not only Michael's beard, but now the mother of his child. The one thing that's even creepier is the fact that Ashley's father looks EXACTLY like her husband. So Little Miss Forehead's father, husband, and son could all be identical twins which is enough material to spend a lifetime in therapy. This woman obviously has daddy issues, that's clearer than her huge forehead, however, she admittedly married her husband because he's a paternal figure, which is the one reason to never marry someone. Who wants a husband that can double as your father? At what point is this incest? He's 30 years older than her, he looks just like her dad and treats her like she's his own child. How the fuck is this legal? And it's even more selfish of them to introduce a child into their already fucked up business relationship disguised as a marriage. 

 

One of the main topics of conversation was Gizelle being messy and I don't give a quarter of a fuck about Green-Eyed Bandit #1's messy ways. She went to therapy for a storyline and didn't learn anything because she enjoys stirring the pot on this reality show too much. If Gizelle had the choice between minding her own business for the sake of her friendships or getting involved in everybody else's business for the sake of making good TV. What do you think she would choose? As annoying as Gizelle is, she's doing the lord's work by keeping this show interesting and bringing all the drama to the surface. We don't need her to change and we definitely don't need her to pretend to change when we all know she enjoys being her messy self.

 

In other news, Gizelle is back with her cheating ex-husband which is the most idiotic thing I've ever heard. She couldn't even answer a question about him without it turning into a short story and she didn't explain how they started dating again either. How do you just start dating your ex-husband who obviously has a passion for pussy and lives in a different city? This seems like a storyline for TV and I'm not interested in watching the couple's will-they won't-they relationship play out, when we know it will be over within two seasons when he's found inside a hoe on the next corner. Cheaters never change but this does give Gizelle plenty of content to stay on the show for at least three seasons. Also, her ex-husband Jamaal is (allegedly) the same guy who was Phaedra Parks' Mr. Chocolate in Atlanta, so this man obviously not only has a fetish for married pussy but fame too.

 

I'm so sick of Gizelle not taking responsibility for her messy actions. The leader of the Green-Eyed Bandits is 100% to blame for her feud with Karen because even when they decide to put their issues aside and move on, Gizelle can't help but continue to shade everything about the Grand Dame as soon as she gets into her confessional chair. Whether it's saying Karen doesn't own her business or saying La Dame is for grandmas, how does she think Karen is going to watch the show and not be offended by the shit that comes out of her mouth? In my heart, I do believe Gizelle wants a friendship with Karen but she values her relationship with making good TV more. 

 

I can't stand Dorothy. She's way too thirsty to be on camera and she's not interesting enough to be the next Mama Dee or Marge Sr. Dorothy is more boring than beige paint and the only thing she has going for her is that she's an asshole to her daughter. Andy asking a Housewife's mother to demonstrate how she assaulted her daughter with her purse was a hilarious reunion first, however, it was more tragic than a three-car pile-up. How is this woman a therapist? Her daughter physically and verbally shows her that she is in pain from her actions and Dorothy's only answer is to call her a drama queen. Can’t she apologize for hurting her daughter's feelings and her face? Surely this woman doesn't have any patients left after her stint on reality TV because Dorothy can't even fix her own problems, let alone anyone else's. 

 

There's nothing interesting about Dorothy for me to grab onto. She's not funny, sassy, witty or even entertaining, she's just thirsty for her close up and will compete with her 32-year-old daughter to get it. Candiace definitely deserves better than Dorothy and her orange weave, and even Andy didn't seem like he could be fucked listening to her bullshit. How Dorothy managed to make Candiace's wedding about herself and get mad that she invited her OWN brother was beyond me. Candiace wanting to have a relationship with her brother has nothing to do with Dorothy's 30-year-old wounds. If she could stay with her husband after he knocked up someone else, then she can keep her mouth shut and let Candiace do whatever she wants. Their entire dynamic could be solved by Dorothy apologizing and owning her behavior but there's as much chance of that happening as there is of Michael not dreaming about choking down Juan's BBC. 

 

Candiace also managed to bring a manila folder full of receipts to the reunion to prove she owns her home (with her mother) which is the final step in officially becoming a Real Housewife. You aren't really a Housewife until you hand Andy Cohen a stack of receipts to read on national TV to squash whatever petty beef you're fighting about. After they kicked Mama Purse Beater off the stage, Ashley and Candiace started going at it like two yapping dogs. I still don't know what they're were fighting about but it had something to do with that whole butter knife incident. These two bitches HATE each other and when two Housewives start screaming over each other to the point where all you hear is wordless noise, it stops being entertaining and starts being annoying as fuck. 

 

I'm all for seeing these women fight, that's the fucking point, however, I want to know what the fuck they're actually fighting about in the first place. For Ashley to say Candiace was the least accomplished person on the show is just comical. Really Ashley? Really? Yes, Little Miss Forehead owned 50% of a business that went to shit and she only got that 50% because her husband gave it to her. As an Australian, I know Australian cuisine isn't a thing. None of us eat emu, kangaroo, koala or whatever the fuck was on that menu, so no fucking wonder that restaurant closed it's doors.

 

Ashley gained all her money from her husband and Candiace gained hers from her mother, so I'm confused why the have to fight over being accomplished when they're both receiving their income from another human being who's funding their lives. It's literally a Trust Fund Baby vs a Sugar Baby, the only difference is Candiace came out of a vagina to get her money and Ashley has to let someone go in to get hers. However, from the parts I managed to hear Candiace was QUICK with the shade and she definitely won this war. 

 

Like always, the conversation turned to Michael Darby and as they talked about the serial butt grabber, Crocodile Dundee creepily peered over the balcony to watch all the women talking about him. It was weird, it was unsettling, it was creepy and it was fucking unnecessary. There was no need for Michael to be anywhere near the stage and there was 100% no need for the producers to show us Michael's sweaty back in the middle of it all. Disgusting. 

 

The Real Housewives of Potomac airs Sunday at 8/7c on Bravo! Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on these Maryland ladies.

 

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