It may have taken four years but The Real Housewives of Potomac have finally earned their place in the Bravo wall of fame. After a breakout season of ass grabbing, dick sucking allegations and more shade than a rainforest, these messy ladies who call Potomac (and the greater Maryland area) home are teaching their older sister cities how to bring it. Every single cast member brought a vital ingredient to the shit stirring cauldron that is their show this season which made it so hard to complete this ranking based on contribution, not likeability.
7. Monique Samuels
The pregnant Housewife was on the sidelines this year due to the fact she was carrying another human being inside her, however, she still found a way to get into the mix. Whether it was threatening to drag Candiace pregnant and all, constantly checking Gizelle for being a messy shit-stirrer or accidentally getting involved in a slave shaming situation, Monique didn't fail to bring her A-game this season. Although she was fighting with multiple cast members, Monique still managed to be a calming voice amongst the chaos but she does lose points for being on hypothetical bed rest most of the season.
6. Robyn Dixon
I've never been a Robyn fan but once she started getting regular dick, Green-Eyed Bandit #2 has been more upbeat and likable than ever. While I don't give a quarter of a fuck about her will-they won't-they relationship with Juan, Robyn managed to stay out of the drama but still be honest and upfront whenever it was hurled her way. She admitted to hearing Michael say he wanted to suck a dick (which we all know was Juan's) and held Gizelle accountable for being an attention-seeking asshole. Robyn transformed from being Gizelle's sidekick to just being Robyn, and had a much more fun, sleepy and lighter energy this season but still kept everything 100.
5. Karen Huger
Karen brought her hairline forward and kept to herself this season, bringing us a Mama Bear attitude, while also verballing assaulting anybody who needed it. Is La Dame an actual business? Who the fuck knows. But it doesn't matter because Karen spent her time riding motorbikes with Ray and watching her daughter sing off-key while also continuing to scrap with Gizelle in lobbies, yelling at Michael's beard for enabling a predator and giving us PREMIUM shade. Karen was real, authentic and just living her best life as Mrs. Black Bill Gates.
4. Gizelle Bryant
Green-Eyed Bandit #1 wants to be a good friend but her messy instincts and need to make good TV get in the way. Literally every single altercation between the women has been due to Gizelle repeating wrong information to stir the pot and as irritating, annoying and messy as her shit-stirring, bone carrying ways are, we wouldn't have had much going on without it. But if you're going to be messy, take a page from Lisa Rinna's book and OWN IT. Gizelle's therapy storyline was bullshit and her forcing Karen to be her friend was borderline abusive but as much as she's not to be trusted, Gizelle's messiness is a driving force in making this show entertaining.
3. Katie Rost
I may be biased for ranking Katie this high but her witness protection wigs, evasive energy, and potentially substance-induced presence were my favorite parts of the season. Was Katie even there? Who knows? Was she running from the government in those Party City wigs and lensless glasses? Most likely. But underneath her drug-induced state, Katie still provided her snarky, honest opinion to the conversation. This is a woman who went missing in a foreign country, had a hoedown on her farm (?) which definitely only costed $40, including the wig on her head, and made a toast to "fake bitches and ass grabbing" right after Ashley's husband was charged with grabbing another man's butt. How can we not stan?
2. Candiace Dillard
The sophomore Housewife who feels the need to sing anywhere at any given time earned her place on the show this year and officially took the messy baton from Little Miss Forehead. Candiace's need to get involved in other people's business drove the season as she carried Michael's dick sucking bone (pun intended) through the group and almost had an orgasm when he got charged for fondling the crew. This is a woman who also got in a knife fight and was slapped in the face by her mama's purse. What DIDN'T Candiace do this year? Any Housewife who can bring us shade, physical violence, and a crazy mother is doing their job right.
1. Ashley Darby
Michael Darby's beard is more unlikeable and annoying than an infected toenail. Ashley sucks, don't get me wrong, but without her penis hungry husband sexually assaulting the production crew and dreaming about putting Juan's juicy BBC in his mouth, we really wouldn't have anything to work with.
As entertaining as it was seeing her closeted husband slowly being outed, Ashley and her newscaster voice telling the group she and her husband were better than ever, when they were clearly at rock bottom, was pathetic and the fact they have a baby makes me want to vomit in Crocodile Dundee's grabby hands. Ashley and Michael's acting deserves to be in a shitty Lifetime movie because nobody can buy that this is a healthy, real marriage between two straight human beings, however, it is entertaining and that's all that really matters.
Do you agree with our ranking? Sound off in the comments below!
The Real Housewives of Potomac airs Sunday at 9/8c on Bravo! Stay tuned at Good Tea for our exclusive tea and shady recaps on the Maryland ladies.