Below Deck Med Recap: Hot Girl Summer

September 3, 2019

Can we cancel Anastasia? Every single week that little bitch's inflated ego keeps popping up like Whack-A-Mole and I'm more exhausted than LeeAnne Locken's weave and/or panty liner. When the third stew turned chef turned third stew again isn't annoying the fuck out of me I forget she's even on the boat, which is definitely worse. You can be a cunt, or you can be forgettable, but you can't be a forgettable cunt. 

 

All that girl does is rant about how easy her job is but then continues to fuck it up. Sleeping in happens to everyone, yes it's annoying but it happens, however, kissing your boss' ass about it than saying you don't need to wake up early because you're so good at your job once she leaves the room is grade A cunt material. Anastasia should've given that conceded rant to Captain Sandy and seen how well it went over. Everybody is spending all their time being pissed at Travis for being the town drunk that they completely overlook the actual asshole they have to deal with on board the boat. 

 

It's common knowledge that the stove in the kitchen is more jacked up than most of the charter guest's faces, however, instead of empathizing with Ben because she went through the exact same dilemma three days before, the broke down Martha Stewart did a little happy dance in the corner when the food wasn't coming out hot. Can you imagine? You're slaving away in the kitchen with a shitty burner, that the producers probably broke, and this little weasel who cried over the exact same job is fucking dancing and complaining whenever she has to help you? Ben should've taken some raw steak and given the vegan one of Travis' love taps with it. Anastasia is not a team player. Captain Sandy always says the number one rule in yachting is teamwork, even I know that I'm not on the boat, and if Anastasia can't realize that then she needs to walk the plank like Mila and June. 

 

Last time we were introduced to a boatload of horny, divorced cougars looking for a Mediterranean fling and they didn't let us down, they were so desperate they even tried to flirt with Colin. Between two of the ladies talking about how one of them fucked the other's ex-husband with a curved cock and flirting with anyone, including Captain Sandy, they also managed to molest a few crew members which is always a fun way to spend your night. The ladies decided to divide and conquer, the pretty blonde flirted with Travis while he cleaned some dishes in the kitchen and the rest of the ladies mildly sexually assaulted Jack when he was supposed to be on watch. There's funny, flirty banter and then there's a swarm of women playing with your hair, touching your arms and ripping your shirt open, which definitely would've added to Jack's sexually frustrated one eyed snake. 

 

Jack and Aesha are great together but if they have to share the same room, can they just fuck already? I can't take Jack always having to remind us of how he's never lived with a girl he hasn't rooted and I know Aesha is waiting to have a stronger feelings but at this point, it's as good as it's going to get and they may as well spend the last two charters inside each other. Who does Aesha think she is? Donna Martin? Because even she finally graduated to a home run. While Jack and Aesha weren't having sex, Trav was hating life and missing his cock swinging buddy. He moved across the hall, not to China, and they work together all day every single day, so I don't understand Travis' fixation on being separated from the professional slacker. 

 

The anchor was dragging, so as JWOWW was attempting to drop the other anchor (I think?) Colin fell over and fucked up his hand. Why is he always injuring himself and why is he acting like anyone cares? Almost every sneak peek for the next episode consists of him acting as if he's being disemboweled when he only sprained something. Didn't he get stuck somewhere else this season as well? Following the fall, Colin went to the doctor and came back with painkillers for his injury. Instead of joking about having to shove them up his ass, Colin should really be sharing them with his crew members like any good friend would. I'm not sure why everyone is always sad about potentially losing Colin because he's more boring and unnecessary than a gluten-free muffin. He really just does not fit in with the group and acts like their annoying kid brother who still plays Pokemon Go. 

 

During Colin's hospital visit, the charter guests continued to wreak drunken havoc around the ship and it was amazing. Two of the ladies got into a fight over Sandy's attention during dinner which turned into a Real Housewives addition. I'm telling you, Bravo needs to follow these bitches back to wherever they live and add them to the seven city franchise. Every season of Below Deck there's always a group of loud, fun, intoxicated women and every season it always ends in a loud, fun, intoxicated fight off-camera while the crew listen behind doors. Even though two of them were fighting, it didn't stop the rest of the ladies from commenting on Travis' big hands and making Ben come all the way to the table just to molest him with their eyes. Also, why the fuck is the kitchen so far from where the guests eat? Is the architect of the boat an idiot, or does he just enjoy cold food?

 

Finally, after the wannabe Housewives disembarked the vessel, Travis gave the cute blonde a note with his number on it, which is as close as any of these women came to getting dick on their vacation. The luckily hood of most of these cast members returning next season is low, so Travis may as well have fucked a hot cougar while on the boat to try and secure his place on the show because a note isn't going to do it. To end the day, the crew decided to go clubbing and Travis vowed to not get drunk, which lasted five seconds before he was comatose on the floor after too many Vodka Red Bulls. 

 

Of course, everybody got mad at him but they were all drunk as well, he just happened to not be able to stand up straight. It's not Hannah or Anastasia's job to babysit him, so why the fuck do they have to get so angry about his drunken behavior? Just leave him at the club and get him to Uber home with a producer if it's so annoying. I don't see the big deal at all, however, maybe I'm playing devil's advocate because I would definitely be the Travis in this situation. What's the point of drinking alcohol and going clubbing if you're not going to get shitfaced? Apart from hitting on a charter guest and being carried out of a club, Travis also gave me my favorite line of the episode by uttering "I'm smoking a dart with this cunt" which is an Australian phrase that goes back centuries and makes me feel right at home. 

 

Below Deck Med airs Monday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the horny boat crew!

 

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