This bitch is officially back from traveling abroad and after my drunken European holiday, the last thing I was ready to hear was the news of Bethenny Frankel's shock exit from The Real Housewives of New York City, which begs the question: what the fuck is happening to Bravo?
My vacation wasn't the only reason for my extended sabbatical from talking shit about Real Housewives and commenting on why Lisa Vanderpump is a massive cunt, I just haven't been feeling Bravo or reality TV in general lately, and this news doesn't help. After lying in bed all day, binge-watching The Sopranos (I’ve always been a Caroline Manzo fan) and stress smoking, I decided to get out all my Frankel related frustration and break down this latest Bravo crisis.
Obviously there are more important things in the world and writing snarky recaps about drunk women fighting isn't exactly curing cancer, but reality TV is escapism and provides us all with a fun way to end our stressful days, however, the Real Housewives franchise has been going downhill faster than Ramona Singer can clear a room in the Hamptons. OC, Atlanta, and Beverly Hills have all had years of bad seasons, Jersey just managed to regain our attention after circling the drain with failed cast shakeups and the only shining light we had was The Real Housewives of New York City, although without Bethenny at the helm for season 12, I don't have much hope for that show's future either.
Don’t get me wrong, the New York cast is made up of some of the best Housewives across any franchise and their drunken fights, cringeworthy moments and one-liners rank far above anything their sister cities are providing us with, however, Bethenny acted as a snarky voice of reason who broke down the bullshit with a witty confessional, put all of the ladies in their place when they needed it and there’s no one who can fill her void on the show. And if we've learned anything, it's that you don't touch the Morgan letters and you don't touch a PERFECT cast.
Her departure came as a shock more than anything, especially when she was on the peak of her Housewives career after her showing us a softer side during season 11, however, if there’s one thing B knows how to do, it’s when to cash your chips and walk the fuck away.
The thing I loved about Bethenny was that she wasn't perfect but she was perfect for the show. With all her good, came years of her acting like a cunt, and although I spent the majority of season ten talking shit about her rude, abrasive behavior, it was great TV. As annoying as she could be at times, love her, hate her or even if you loved to hate her, she was always a vital part of making the show a success, just like every other cast member. Due to her surprise departure that happened *during filming* we NEED all the ladies reactions to losing their friend in the premiere with a fourth-wall-breaking conversation between the women.
Moving forward we need to bring back the big guns and by that, I mean a red-headed Jew from the Upper East Side with a voice that can be heard across the Hudson. Jill mother fucking Zarin. There has never been a more perfect time for her to return and there are no other NY alumni whose name is big enough to fill the shoes Bethenny is leaving behind. We don’t need another young, innocent newbie that doesn’t know the rules of the game, we need an experienced player who can step in and make sure this show doesn’t follow the rest of the cities down the tubes. And that goes for EVERY FUCKING FRANCHISE.
We don’t need anymore Teddi Mellencamps, Eva Marcilles or Emily Simpsons. We need instant gratification, nobody wants to wait three seasons for these women to finally know how to be a Real Housewife and I'm afraid that's what we're going to get with the two new additions to New York and Beverly Hills.
Pictured Above: Newbies Leah McSweeney (RHONY) and Sutton Stracke (RHOBH)
Do I sound more cynical than Babs the Bisexual Builder when asked if Luann can sing? Of course, I do, but the Housewives has officially evolved from a guilty pleasure to an hour of my life I'll never get back each week. Reality TV, in general, is too contrived because everybody knows how to play the game and manipulate the system. They sign up to show their reality when in actuality, they are getting paid a ridiculous amount of money to not talk about what's actually going in their lives (even though it's splashed across the media) and sell Flat Tummy Tea on Instagram (see: the last umpteen seasons of Beverly Hills.) Everybody comes in with their “storyline” for the season, which is mainly some bogus business venture, while they all try to play nice and avoid any intense feuds that could damage their “brand.” Gag me with a fork.
The only saving graces we have right now are Potomac and Below Deck, even the latest season of Southern Charm was boring until that Chlamydia reveal. Let’s face it, Beverly Hills is a fucking flop, it hasn’t been good since they fired Brandi Glanville and thanks to the producers continuing to kiss LVP’s ass in the hope she someday decides to return, the unfiltered blonde won’t be back next season either. Oh, and neither will Camille which leaves us with a cast of besties and some no-name newbie that will probably fit right in with the friendly gang. Give us Nicolette Sheridan, Tori Spelling, Kathy Hilton, Brandi or a reason to fucking watch because I can’t think of one. Even Rinna doesn’t want to rock the boat anymore.
Even though we all complain about these shows going to shit Bravo is going to keep renewing them for years to come because the ratings are good and they are making more money than any of the talent, especially with Bravocon happening, there’s no way this train is slowing down anytime soon, and no, I’m not talking about the one that ran over Kelly Dodd. Too soon? Have I spent this entire article bitching about the current state of Bravo? Yes. Will I keep watching? You bet your ass I will. It’s an addictive drug that has no known cure but at the end of the day, we need authentic, dramatic, entertaining women with livers of steel who can be their honest selves and make us happy for an hour every week. Is it that much to ask?
The one thing I am relieved with is that Bravo is putting a FIRM stance out there that no one is safe. All the veterans started to get way too comfortable but LVP “quitting,” Bethenny leaving and the demotion of Vicki Gunvalson is going to keep all these bitches on their toes, working for their checks, which is exactly the way it should be.
After letting my cunty attitude spill out, let’s just quickly go over the positives of what we can expect from Bravo in the future. They gave us what we all want and (rightfully) decided to give Kenya Moore her peach back which ensures season 12 of Atlanta will be worth watching again, OC looks more than promising this season and I have been hooked ever since Vicki chased Kelly through Tamra’s house screaming feminist slogans. I know everybody isn’t feeling the Tres Amigas right now but I can feel this season turning into a shit show with that train rumor and I am more than here for it.
Shahs Of Sunset is going to be interesting with the Reza/MJ divide, RHONJ sounds fucking mental with an ample amount of glass throwing, Vanderpump Rules is having a semi-reboot with new “employees” while the Witches of WeHo are at war which is always fun to watch AND Married To Medicine is always flawless television.
As much as the last few years of Bravo haven’t been great, let’s look for the best in what they’re giving us because the idea of Teresa Giudice turning on Danielle, Kelly fighting with the Tres Amigas about a threesome, the Potomac reunion and LeeAnne Locken finally making her long-awaited return to my screen is almost enough to mitigate the loss of Bethenny. Bravo needs to figure out their shit for all their declining franchises because if not, that All-Star season may be coming sooner than we think
This article is in loving memory of our mentor, icon and friend: Bethenny Frankel.