Shade of the Week: Below Deck Mediterranean

June 13, 2019

It’s been a slow week and I’m sick to death of talking about Lisa Vanderpump, so I decided to breakdown the new season of Below Deck Mediterranean. Full disclosure: I’ve never seen this show before. I watched last season of the original Below Deck and I’ve dipped in and out of their Mediterranean cousin but this is my first time I'm sitting down and absorbing information out of this show. 

 

Initially I wanted to shade Chef "I Love Putin" Mila, however, she's not important enough to devote an entire article to no matter how many rainbow flags she sets on fire, so I thought it would be the perfect time to discuss the show in general, considering I don't care enough to recap the whole season but I will call out a homophobic pig if I need to. We've obviously seen Housewives and husbands make gay jokes that are more offensive than funny but I don't think we've ever seen someone make such a disgusting comment towards the gay sexuality and then double down on it to rile up their costars. 

 

The Below Deck franchise is like a shiny beacon above all the other shows on Bravo due to the other entertainment on the network taking a nosedive in recent years. Below Deck keeps things refreshing because they recycle people in and out each season and when things start to get stale they’ll give us five new cast members to sink our teeth into and the only thing fake about this show is Mila's resume. As a rule of thumb, each season needs a few ditzy girls, some horny boys, a villain, some weird wacky person on the side and a stick in the mud we can all hate. 

 

We’ve only seen one group of guests this season led by a guy named Big Daddy who had to choke down tacos on a million dollar yacht, but I’ve got more than enough snarky opinions about the crew so let’s go down the line, I don’t expect any of you to actually remember these peoples names so I attached visual aids to help you along. Thank me later. 

 

 

Captain Sandy Yawn

Sandy reminds me of a more feminine Caitlyn Jenner and while her last name may be yawn, but she’s far from one. There’s nothing I love more than a strong, independent female who’s in charge and doesn’t have to answer to anybody, Sandy’s a boss bitch with big dick energy and apart from training and a nice uniform, there’s nothing else you really need to be a great captain. Sandy is nice, personable, caring and seems like the type of girl who you could have a few too many margaritas with on Taco Tuesday but she’ll also rip you a new asshole if she needs to. Sandy is the best and while she hasn’t done much aside from, you know, steer the ship and make sure it doesn’t crash, she’s a nice stable energy that we obviously couldn’t have the show without. 

 

Hannah Ferrier

It’s so relieving to see a fellow Aussie on my Bravo screen. I’m obsessed with Hannah, she’s the star of the show and has fucked up so many times in the past that her new goal this season is to just to her job. Do I need to go back a few seasons to watch the real Hannah because anyone who fucks the crew and the charter guests has my vote. Hannah is like a young Kate Chastain but without the resting bitch face and even though she won’t be providing us with all her craziness this season, we need an opinionated, unfiltered HBIC to sound off on all the fuckery going on between the crew. Also, Hannah’s disapproval of Mila even before the homophobic incident made me know I liked her. 

 

João Franco

Ugh. I’m sure he's nice and each Below Deck show needs its own African guy with a gay porn star body but I can’t stand this guy. JWOWW, which is how his name should be spelled and pronounced, seems like a recovering fuck boy who’s going to try and have a redeeming season but by episode six he’ll be dry humping some hoe in a Cannes nightclub. JWOWW looks a member of Hitler Youth but let’s hope he has a much more relaxed approach to his role as bosun. 

 

Colin Macy-O'Toole

Colin looks like a gay elf mixed with an Adderall addicted leprechaun but whatever way you slice it, there’s some kind of mythical creature in his family tree. We haven’t heard a lot from Colin or even know much about him at all, I’m guessing because they already covered his backstory last season, but he just seems like the wacky, eccentric character this show relies on. I don't see Colin getting up to much, unless he gets eaten by a shark, then that will be his storyline for the season. 

 

Mila Kolomeitseva

If you’re a person with a pulse and you’ve watched this season then there’s a high chance that you hate the latest chef. Let’s go down the list with this one. Apart from being a proud Russian homophobic pig, Mila is also a trained chef who can't cook. I'm not sure if she got the photos for her resume from Pinterest but nobody who puts ranch on burgers, licks steak and cooks them in a microwave is capable of plating up five-star quality meals. These guests are paying literal thousands of dollars and this bitch thinks it's acceptable to give them a shitty plate of nachos and microwaved steak? You can be a cunt or bad at your job, but you can't be both. 

 

Mila sucks more than a vacuum cleaner and has the substance of a dry sponge. She's not funny, charismatic or even enjoyable to be around, she just has this weird awkward energy that ruins any conversation she finds herself in. After she fucked up literally every course during the first charter, she took a break to question if Jack was gay due to his curly hair and fake teeth before doing the same to Travis for having a nose piercing. First of all, who gives a fuck, and second, if you hate gay people why are you asking half the crew if they suck dick? But that was only her lead in. 

 

Mila then proceeded to say she doesn't want her son seeing two men kiss because it's not normal, it's the same as fucking a dog and that she supports Putin and his homophobic policies before gleaming and agreeing with her shit-eating grin when all her costars accused her of being a homophobe. If you were working with a progressive group of young people, with a lesbian captain on a network that mainly gays are watching, why the fuck would it be a good idea to gloat about being homophobic? And in PRIDE MONTH no less. She's more tone deaf than Helen Keller. Mila is a Siberian Nazi who can't cook and alienated any chance she had of prolonging this stint into a successful celebrity chef career and for what? Because she's Russian? Just because you're Russian doesn't mean you can act like a cunt. 

 

As annoying, gross and intolerable as Chef Mila is, we need a villain on this show and if we don't have somebody to turn up the drama and collectively hate then we'd just be watching these bitches fold towels and pull out the inflatable slide. 

 

Travis Michalzik

Out of everyone on the cast, Travis is the one I'd fuck most. I love his Australian charm, plus he seems like he'd fuck anything with a hole, which weirdly turns me on. Travis is just a fun guy who loves to mess around, drink and act like a dickhead, which is exactly what we need from this show. He's obviously going to butt heads with JWOWW over the bosun's annoying struggle for power as well as potentially fucking Hannah, so Travis is going to give us all the fucking and fighting this season. 

 

Anastasia Surmava

There's not too much to Anastasia. She has a boyfriend which is annoying, unless she cheats on him which a dirty deckhand will make for a really great season. As well as being the third stew, she's also a trained yacht chef which was obviously the reason she was cast because she can swoop in and save the day when Chef Mila gives nachos to paying customers. Anastasia's nice with a cute backstory but I don't think she'll be anything more than wallpaper this season. 

 

Aesha Scott

Aesha is the type of girl who would rather watch Gilmore Girls than suck a dick. I need a tattoo of that instantly iconic quote right now because I don't think there's a girl or gay out there who doesn't agree. Aesha is from New Zealand and I don't know what they teach them in sex ed over there, but her mind is dirtier than Mila's kitchen. Aesha talks about everything from blueberries being ovaries to putting a vodka tampon up her pussy to get drunk. She really is the nymphomaniac who keeps on giving and I love it. 

 

Jack Stirrup

Jack is definitely the most fuckable next to Travis. His long curly hair and strong subtitled British accent are instant turn-ons. Jack seems like he'd fuck you behind a dirty grease trap and it would still be amazing, why are the dirtiest boys the sexiest ones? Although I can't understand most things Jack says it's pretty clear he hates work, has a tea addiction and wants to fuck something in the South of France, which are three of the best attributes to have on reality TV. 

 

After looking over each cast member, we definitely have more than enough to play with from fighting to crew hookups and everyone generally hating Mila for being an oxygen thief. Below Deck Med is where it's at, and if you're not watching then you may as well cancel your Bravo subscription.

 

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