Shade of the Week: Countess Luann

June 5, 2019

Ladies and gentlemen, the Cuntess has arrived. 

 

Luann de Lesseps is one of the greatest Housewives of all time to grace our screens but we are currently in the middle of her worst season ever. Whether you love or hate the Countess, she has given us more than enough content during her last eleven years on television and her life has been turned inside out more times than a reversible jumper. 

 

From her early days as a pretentious Countess, to getting divorced, becoming a pop star, almost dying on a camel, sleeping around New York City, dating Jacque, fucking a pirate, getting demoted, allowing Harry Dubin inside her, being cool not uncool, living in Sonja's townhouse, getting engaged/cheated on/married/divorced with Tom, being arrested after having sex in someone else's hotel room, kicking a cop, becoming a cabaret star and relapsing Luann has really done it all and while I appreciate everything she's given us in the past, she's almost unwatchable this season because's gone right back to the square one Countess who looks down on everyone else around her.

 

Drunk Luann is the best Luann and I know we can't say that due to her being an alcoholic but we've had to sit through an entire season of her being more sober than a Mormon and she behaves like an entitled cabaret star who rides around on her high horse diagnosing her friends with pill problems while making off the cuff jokes that aren't funny. Luann sucks, her ego is bigger than one of her statement necklaces and her gay entourage is just feeding her self esteem to make her feel like Barbara Streisand when she's really just a classier version of Chandler's dad from Friends. The fame, money and cabaret has all gone to her head which makes it redundant even talking to her because her ability to listen is being clouded by her next performance.

 

The thing which makes her behaviour even more intolerable this season is the fact that she walks around condemning everyone else's drunk antics this season while she failed a sobriety test and was hauled back into jail as a result. The problem is that Luann doesn't really think she's an alcoholic. She pretended to live this sober life to avoid going to prison and now she'll have a few sips of champagne behind closed doors until she ends up back in rehab to advance her storyline. Luann is the quintessential Real Housewives hypocrite and as annoying as she's been this season, there wouldn't be a show without her. 

 

Luann has been wrong during every single interaction she's had with anyone this season. Not once have I agreed with any of her arguments of defence and she's grown more unlikeable than the Fish Room as the episodes go on. Last season Luann was the undisputed winner of her feud with Dorinda, however, when the resident slurrer came back ready to make up and put the past in the past Luann held onto her position of power and just continued acting like a diva demanding Bethenny's room, a yoga instructor and green juices just for two days away in the Berkshires. 

 

They finally made up, sort of, but nobody can say they agree with Luann's antics. As the season continued they mainly just coexisted until Luann decided to bring up Dorinda in her cabaret show again to use the Jovani feud to get herself some more laughs and attention. I get it, the fans will love hearing Luann talk about the other Housewives but when your friend literally asks you to stop talking about her in your performances because it was the reason you didn't speak for a year, you should probably respect that and not poke the disgruntled dirty martini drinking bear. 

 

The Cuntess' next point of contention is Bethenny. Last season Luann soared above everyone else in popularity due to her rising as a Phoenix from the West Palm Beach ashes and Bethenny looked like a massive asshole during her earth shattering feud with Carole but a year later the two OGs have completely swapped positions. Skinnygirl is much more calmer, reserved and is 100% accurate when she calls people on their shit whereas Luann is self-involved, narcissistic and delusional. Luann vs Bethenny is one of the greatest ongoing Housewives feuds because it's always the same shit on a different day. Every single one of their fights consists of Luann making passive aggressive digs until Bethenny can't take it anymore and erupts like a volcano while Luann doesn't listen to a single word she says, and this season was just that. Same shit, different season. 

 

Luann making the jab about Bethenny's room in the Berkshires to being pissed at her not staying for her Halloween show after she was four hours late, made Luann look like an asshole, especially after the lengths Bethenny went to during her intervention and we are definitely going to see it come to a head before this Miami trip is over. It's one thing for Luann to make her Countess-like jabs, but it's another to defend her delusions and make even more of an idiot out of herself. Nobody is on Luann's side but somehow she thinks she's still in the right. Luann is one of the strongest Housewives in any franchise and she could have a whole dump truck worth of shit fall onto her but she'll just brush herself off and pretend she smells like daisies when you can sniff out the shitty stench from two blocks away. 

 

Countess Luann's worst crime was the way she treated Sonja. She was wrong enough when fighting with Dorinda and Bethenny, however, the way she turned on Sonja and her sexy J was just mean by accusing her of having a pill problem. Luann goes to three AA meetings and suddenly she thinks she has the right to start accusing everyone she sees of popping pills? Fair enough if she was saying it about Ramona because that bitch is fucking nuts but why would she go after Sonja, the one person besides Babs the Bisexual Builder, who has been there for her the whole time? Luann has the same level of loyalty as Ramona, and the way she looks down on the girls for drinking is laughable especially since she spent 30 minutes in jail last week for drinking. Pot, please meet the black kettle. 

 

I love Luann but I don't love this Luann. We need Lu back. The girl who got demoted and made it work for her. The girl who sleeps with strange men in foreign countries. The girl who can laugh at herself and fall into bushes. The girl who is down to earth and the girl who just doesn't give a fuck. This faux fuck giving attitude Luann has lately is fake, she's just surrounded with yes people who eat her asshole for lunch and then go in on her vagina for dinner. Lu is the best version of Luann de Lesseps we've seen and I'd rather spend an evening in Lu's Sag Harbor abode than the Countess' upstate birdsnest any day. 

 

Right now Luann is unattainable as a friend, how can you be friends with someone when you're on Earth and they're travelling around Mars? Even though she's acting like a conceded asshole right now, everybody still loves and tolerates her diva ways because next season she'll be back to being the fun, carefree Lu, maybe with a relapse or two. She's an OG who's been around since day one with more lives than a stray cat and she's not going anywhere anytime soon. Chic c'est la vie bitch.

 

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