Thank fuck for Brandi Glanville! In the wake of Lisa Vanderpump officially quitting the show to save her ass before she got fired, it was a relief to see Brandi rise like a Phoenix from her wine throwing ashes on the exact same day. Talk about a full circle moment.
Ever since Brandi was given her untimely departure from the show after slapping the resident crypt keeper and throwing wine in Eileen Davidson’s face, LVP has been holding the show back by making everyone walk on egg shells and having way too much power in the form of passive aggressive digs and holding grudges for 37 years, so with her officially off the show Brandi can reclaim her diamond and give us the messy, bitchy and pot stirring behaviour we’ve missed for the last four seasons. Beverly Hills losing Brandi would be like Erika losing her money, it just wouldn’t work.
The sexy crazed drinker and tweeter made her triumphant return through Denise Richards who Brandi claims she’s been through the ringer with when they’ve only had one dinner. Brandi and Denise seem like a natural fit to be friends and whoever gets Brandi back on Beverly Hills immediately wins me over. The two ladies don’t wear costumes to dinner, can drink each other under the table, say it exactly how it is and aren’t afraid to talk about their sex lives on camera. Can you say that about any of the other imagine conscious Housewives on this show? Maybe Rinna but when she gets along with the majority of the cast she doesn’t have the ability to be her former messy self. I fucking love Brandi Glanville. She’s my favourite Housewife across any franchise and within the first five seconds of her return she already admitted she wanted to start hooking on the side. The bitch is officially back.
The producers gave us everything we needed in this scene. A sexy confessional, a throwback to Brandi slitting Eddie Cibrian’s tires, an explanation of her allegedly hitting a guy with 12 upper cuts at a Halloween party and threatening to kill the waiter if he brought her two glasses of wine instead of a double in one glass. This is exactly what we need in a show where everyone doesn’t do anything out of fear of ruining their “brand” and being unliked by the fans. We need someone who will call the other ladies out, get the drama started and make everyone work for their million dollar pay checks and Brandi Glanville is the only person who knows exactly how to do it.
Brandi was the first one to blow the whistle on LVP’s manipulative and cunty ways many years ago and headed the first all season revolt against her in Puerto Rico. Brandi is a fucking pioneer when it comes to Vanderpump and paid the price when she got fired once everyone crawled back up her ass. Everything she said about the 75-year-old slag was correct and with the Wicked Witch of Villa Rosa melting down into a pile of smoke, Brandi deserves to be brought back as the initial Dorothy who threw the water on her. Somehow LVP has used her Pump Puppets Brandi, Rinna, Teddi and Camille to go after her victims and fake friends Kyle, Yolanda, Dorit and Taylor on camera but I’m the one who’s crazy? Do LVP stans watch the show because if they did they’d know she’s a tired old bag who’s had this coming since she used Brandi to kick off her back door pilot for Vanderpump Rules.
Denise invited Brandi to go on their trip to France but not even she ended up going because her house was burning down but could you imagine Brandi Glanville rocking up to the airport to live in a chateau with these women for five days? That would’ve saved this puppy filled season. In real time Brandi has made up with Kyle and Rinna so there’s no reason she couldn’t return. Can you imagine Brandi calling out Teddi about her deep voiced accountability rants, yelling at Camille for being a two faced fuckwit, keeping Dorit in check for acting like a lunatic or making Erika Jayne work for her money after she’s skated by in the background almost since the day she started this show. This is what we need and Bravo needs to make it happen.
Kim won’t save the show. She’ll just make everyone question if she’s sober while ruining her relationship with Kyle and talking about Bunny Gate with Rinna for the 367th time. Kim doesn’t have what it takes to save it but Brandi has all the equipment and a bank account low enough to make sure she’ll deliver, but Kim can come back for guest appearances if she wants. It felt natural for Brandi to be back in the fold and if she’s not holding a diamond next season then they may as well throw out the entire show.
While the only thing I actually cared about in this episode was Brandi Glanville talking about being a hooker and shitting on LVP, the other ladies still did things because apparently the producers didn’t want Brandi to fill the hour. Kyle decided to invite all the ladies to France and they all had to let her know if they could come. Excuse me? Since when was going on the cast trip optional? You show up especially with Vanderpump off locking herself in Villa Rosa hiding from Bravo cameras. I’ve never seen a group of Housewives discuss whether or not they could actually attend the trip, what do they think this is? A buffet where they can choose what they want? No. It’s a show where they are paid way too much money to sit on TV and pretend to be perfect so it’s only right for them to go all the way to France together.
Why did all their husbands have to allow them to go? Without their Bravo pay checks many of their households would crumble (I’m looking at you Dorit) so they need to stop pretending like their husbands gave them permission to do their jobs. Everyone is sick and tired of Camille, however, she still got an invite on the trip even if she is a two faced bitch that nobody wants to spend time with. Rinna still won’t repeat what Camille said to her about Dorit and if this was two seasons ago, she would’ve repeated it three seconds after she said it to stir shit up. Can we have Old Rinna back because someone who doesn’t repeat something she’s heard to stir the pot isn’t the Lisa I recognise, even if she does have the same 20-year-old haircut.
In the end, both Camille and Denise didn’t go to France because their houses may or may not have been burning down, which is probably the only acceptable excuse to skip a trip. Although Camille has more money than God and she can obviously afford to build her home 12 times over, there’s so many memories, school photos and irreplaceable items that no amount of money can get back. Obviously they are fortunate to be able to rebuild but it’s sad, especially Saint Denise who definitely doesn’t deserve it. Camille on the other hand, I’m not sure.
Apart from Kyle’s dogs giving me anxiety, Camille claiming Teddi snubbed her daughter at the airport which was the biggest reach for a storyline I’ve ever heard and Dorit having a photo shoot with her useless assistant forgetting the clothes, the only other point of interest of this show was Lisa Rinna’s anorexic daughter not eating. Harry Fucking Hamlin made the girls burgers and Amelia Gray just decided she wasn’t hungry when she’d probably had gum for breakfast and a tic tac for lunch. It was sad, uncomfortable and weird to see her just refuse to eat food when everyone at the table knew why and I love Lisa Rinna but she probably isn’t helping the situation.
While she doesn’t have an eating disorder herself, we have seen her be weird about food in the past and everyone on this show refusing to eat on camera or making “jokes” about eating healthy so they fit into their jeans are things that are impressionable on young girls and Amelia Gray is just an example of this. Harry didn’t want to be there as much as Amelia didn’t want to consume his food and he looked more uncomfortable than his daughter's stomach. Harry Fucking Hamlin hates the cameras so much and as much as Lisa Rinna is the only one even trying anymore, I don’t know if we need to see this family on TV again after Amelia refusing to eat and Harry low-key blaming his wife for her eating disorder on camera. The whole thing felt icky and made me want to order a pizza, which I guess was the best thing to come out of this episode besides Brandi.
The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs Tuesday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the 90210 ladies