Shade of the Week: Mexican Dynasties

May 29, 2019

I’m obviously very late to the party, however, Bravo’s latest masterpiece Mexican Dynasties is literally cocaine laced with wealth and absurdity. I’ve just finished binge-watching the entire first season due to popular demand and I'm ready to throw a whole palm tree worth of shade at these rookie reality stars. 

 

First of all, who the fuck thought filming rich people in Mexico would be a good idea? Because it’s fucking gold. It’s five-star television or even just one star. I’ve never seen a group of people with more energy in my life and yeah, it could be because they were all fresh from a cocaine binge, however, I’m choosing to believe there’s something in that Mexican water that isn’t a highly illegal drug. Whenever people think of Mexico they immediately go straight to the stereotype of sombreros, salsa and live in maids which is why this show is perfect. It completely flips everyone’s idea of Mexico on its head and that may be because they are wealthy enough to store 33 champagne bottles in their fridge at all times but who wants to watch reality TV if it doesn’t feature opulence? 

 

I can’t stress how much I love this show but hate it at the same time. If you’re looking for something to hate-watch in the midst of Bravo's other offerings currently going into decline, binge the entire first season of Mexican Dynasties and you’ll die laughing. To set the scene there are three “elite” Mexican families who come from a long line of money and are supposed to be at the top of the social food chain south of the border. Of course, the actual richest people in Mexico wouldn’t sign up to a Bravo reality show, but you just have to buy their story to go along for the ride. 

 

The first family of the show who get the most airtime are The Allendes (pictured above). I still don’t know how the fuck to pronounce it but that’s not important. The family is compromised of the dad, Fernando, who I guess was supposed to be the David Cassidy of Mexico in his time. He had all the girls wet over him in the 70s and 80s but decades later he looks like a mix between David Hasselhoff and Donald Trump with a shit tonne of money and a wild thirst for attention. Nobody wants to be on TV as much as Fernando.

 

Next, there’s his wife Mari who looks like Stevie Nicks went to a plastic surgeon on the wrong side of the highway and may or may not wear the pants (and the strap on) in the relationship. Their son Elan is the hottest person on the show with his equally hot wife Jenny who both have a "Sonny and Cher" record deal, while his little bitch of a brother Adan is trying his hardest to become the world’s next Harry Styles when in reality he’s a 27-year-old twink with the singing ability of a dying cat. 

 

Obviously, we’re not supposed to like Adan through the editing of the show but he’s so annoying, cringe-worthy and thirsty that you can’t help but love to hate him. For some odd reason, the parents think Alan is the second coming of Christ when he was really just the second cumming of his father into his mother. The mother, father and the son all hang out in bed together and don’t wake up until strictly after 1 pm while they all mildly resent Elan for having his own life and not being as engaged in their incestuous family tree. 

 

Elan and his wife hate his parent's and basically just use Adan to get back at them, and for good reason. They have actual talent and a work ethic while Adan rides off his parent’s coattails, trying to be the funny, relatable character of the show but epically missing his landing every single time. The main thing going on in their family is Elan's strained relationship with his parents, Adan's maniac decision making about his "career" and Fernando & Adan singing romantic ballads at every party they attend with sexual tension you could cut with a knife. Adan also enlisted his costar Doris to be his new PR and the passive-aggressive exchange between her and his mother Mari is one of the best parts of this fucked up show. 

 

The next family along are The Bessudos. 

Raquel is literally the Joan Rivers of Mexico and not just because of her love of plastic surgery but due to the fact she has her own Fashion Police style show. As soon as she was crowned the Joan Rivers of Mexico, they won me over. Raquel’s a recent widow who's potentially fucking her old almost high school fling and also lost her son when he was 13 years old, which was probably the saddest (and most Telenovela style) story I’ve ever heard.

 

Her daughter is Doris who is also her manager and the source of logic in their household which equally makes her the Melissa Rivers of Mexico. If that’s even a thing. She has a husband who doesn’t really matter but what does matter is the fact that she is Mauricio Umansky’s cousin which was basically the reason this show got a green light to begin with. As well as being Adan’s PR, Doris gives the bitchest commentary in her confessionals which is a key quality of any good reality star. 

 

The final family are The Madrazos.

Oscar and Paulina are brother and sister who may or may not be fucking, however, incest feels like a cornerstone of this show. Maybe the "closeness" of these families is more of a Mexican thing than it is an incest thing? Even if they wanted to fuck they can’t because Oscar is a raging homosexual who was the first gay man in Mexico to have two surrogate children. Paulina also has kids with her ex who left them, however, the good news is she has a new man. The bad news is that he doesn’t speak English and we have to read the fucking subtitles every time he’s in a scene. 

 

The Game of Thrones inspired siblings basically raise all their kids together in one big family while their elderly mother and her lazy eye roam around in the background and give us the best moments of the show. Her name escapes me but Nana Madrazo is literally makes the show. She sticks her head out of the sunroof as her 13-year-old grandchildren floor the car, she is down to have fun at every and any occasion and may or may not have shot someone for bullying her son about being gay in high school. Does it get any better than that?

 

Nana Madrazo and Raquel’s newfound BFFship as the older women of the show is incredible and is easily the relationship I’m most invested in. Who doesn’t want to see two women over 65 whooping it up like they’re Vicki Gunvalson at Andales, even if there are Spanish subtitles between them every time they talk. 

 

There’s not so much drama on this show as there is just pure entertainment. Oscar, the gay surrogate dad, decided he needed love in his life so he finally found a hot Brazilian daddy to introduce to his children, however, they couldn't make their long distance relationship work but as we found out in the closing credits, Oscar just replaced him with a hot British guy. Mari, with the two sons, is allegedly a witch who practices black magic and she had at least one passive-aggressive conversation with someone in every single episode. 

 

To sum it up, this show is just fun. Everyone has so much energy which keeps the show going and their wild, crazy antics keep it interesting in lieu of any drama. However, they also manage to have a deeper emotional layer which gives the show depth, whether it's talking about grief, strained family relationships or even the pain of being single. Let's just hope Bravo give them a second season because I need a Mexican Bravo franchise in my life and I don't think Texicanas is going to cut it. 

 

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