RHONY Recap: Girl Code

May 30, 2019

Sonja Morgan is the straw that stirs the drink and the gift that keeps on giving. This is her best season in all her years on TV. Her jokes are fucking hilarious, her new apartment has transformed her energy after being free of the townhouse and she's not being portrayed as the delusional drunk floozy who lives in the past. Let's be clear, she still does all those things but Sonja's role on the show is much more paramount and respected than it was even three years ago. 

 

Lady Morgan says it best: if being Sonja's so wrong, why does it feel so right? Out of the blue, Sonja jumped out of bed and decided she'd surprise Countess Luann who was practising for her cabaret show only a few blocks away. Even though she was uninvited Sonja was bouncing off the walls, flapping her gums more than a cheap real estate agent and being the entertaining legend we all know her to be. However, Luann wasn't as pleased with Sonja's behaviour because if you haven't heard, the world now revolves around Luann de Lesseps. She was annoyed anytime Sonja would open her mouth but who cares? Sonja was there for 15 minutes and how much can she rehearse for cabaret? She's been doing it for a year, so if she doesn't know the material by now, that's an issue. 

 

It was lucky Sonja did happen to just show up because she saw Luann's new "jokes" for her Christmas show during the rehearsal where she made fun of the entire Dorinda-Jovani ordeal by announcing she was giving Dorinda some two-faced award. Does Luann really only have three brain cells or is she just doing whatever her entourage full of gays are telling her to do? Their entire feud started because of Jovani, so no matter how "nice" her jokes are, it's just going to refuel the Jovani fire and I'm pretty sure those cheap polyester dresses will go up in a second. My guess is if the roles were reversed Luann would not be happy, especially with her new pretentious cabaret persona. 

 

During the Rockefeller tree lighting which Dorinda had the honour of actually lighting, everybody came together to exchange shitty Luann stories before she arrived. Sonja informed Dorinda about her latest jokes in her cabaret show while Tinsley told Sonja the Cuntess was suggesting she was on something after her "maniac" behaviour in the rehearsal. Let's be real, Luann cares more about her cabaret than she does about her friendship with Dorinda. If she was a true friend she wouldn't dare rock the boat by putting her in the act or she's at least give her the heads up but she knows if she references any of the women on this show she'll get more laughs and attention. Luann is using Dorinda for material and she doesn't want to be a part of it anymore. Luann, if you're such a successful cabaret star then surely you can come up with jokes that don't involve Dorinda Medley. 

 

However, just like everything in Luann's life, she didn't listen to Dorinda's pleas and just palmed them off with a condescending laugh like there was nothing she could do about it until Little Miss Berkshires brought up getting a lawyer involved which is a Housewives threat as old as an OC skytop. Did Sonja stir the pot by telling Dorinda? Of course, but oddly enough she never does it to create drama and is always trying to make everyone get along even though her wacky intervention isn't always needed. The only thing more annoying than Luann's loop of Jovani, cabaret and statement necklaces is the fact she suggested Sonja was on pills. Has Luann met Sonja? You need a muzzle to shut that bitch up so after 10 years of being friends, Lu goes to a couple AA meetings and suddenly she's an expert on substance abuse. 

 

Does Luann's neck hurt from looking down from her high horse all the time? Sonja has been the one cast member to support her through thick and thin but now she's popping pills? I miss Lu. Lu was a fun time, not some bitchy cabaret star who is a pain in the ass to be around because the fame has gone to her head faster than the alcohol used to. As some kind of defence Luann said "well isn't everyone taking something?" Well I would hope you aren't, Luann. She uses the pill popping as an insult and then to wiggle her way out of it acted like it's a normal thing everyone does, stay in your lane Lu. 

 

The Rockefeller tree lighting had more than enough drama thanks to all the ladies carrying bones back to each other about things Luann had said and done but can't we get more Jill Zarin? She filmed more than enough this season and was edited out nearly every single time, you just had to squint and somewhat catch her red hair in a passing shot. I don't know what Bravo's problem is with Jill but we need her back on the show ASAP because Jill wants it more than Tinsley wants to be loved. 

 

Finally all the ladies set off for Miami which is a nice way to end this very short season. Is there better places to travel than Miami where they've been 33 times? Absoutely but after travelling together for 10 years to exotic places on 15 hour flights only to return three days later, none of the ladies really care enough to put the effort in and Miami is just a nice place they can all go to get drunk and skinny dip. As long as these bitches have a luxurious house in the sun filled with alcohol, it doesn't matter where the fuck they are. This house had a 90s Miami vibe and has definitely seen more than it's fair share of cocaine pass through, and to be honest, nothing sounds better than a few lines of coke in a multi million dollar Miami mansion. 

 

Tinsley informed the group of Ramona Singer's makeout session with Harry Dubin which is one of the most disgusting things I've ever heard. You couldn't pay me to sit next to Harry let alone put my tongue down is throat. This is a man who has so many diseases they could use his cum as a vaccine so it blows my mind how Sonja, Luann, Aviva and Ramona all have made the decision to make out with someone that looks like the bottom of my shoe after I stepped in gum. He literally makes my skin crawl and obviously Ramona is desperate, but can't she crawl back in bed with Mario before literally eating Harry Dubin's face in Boutique, it's just a suggestion. The only thing more horrifying is the fact that these women are fighting over him. Does he cum diamonds because that's the only logical explanation and gives new meaning to a pearl necklace.

 

This year was the most well mannered, mature and appropriate room wars we've ever seen on this show. Everybody easily decided which rooms they wanted to take and nobody needed to act like a spoilt 5-year-old trying to find the best room in a house where everything looks the same. And when I say everyone, I mean Ramona Singer. Without Ramona's annoying antics there was no reason for anyone else to complain and although I thought the Harry Dubin makeout would be the most shocking thing to transpire in the episode, Ramona having the self awareness not to look like an asshole left my mouth on the floor. 

 

Before she could even unpack Sonja was fucked and not in a cute, funny way. Sonja Tremont Morgan was smashed harder than Kris Jenner's pussy after (allegedly) getting pounded by OJ and it was epic. In my friend group, I'm the Sonja with drinking. You either go hard or go home and once you start you're not stopping until you're having a blackout.

 

Drunk Sonja is amazing and this trip was no exception. She attempted to pee in the tub, called Babs a space cadet, got the bulter's name, Tej, wrong 85 times, told him to change his actual name, helped him unpack her bag and probably made him call a hotline once he got home. I feel sorry for all the workers wherever these women go because they have to awkwardly smile and nod while a drunk Housewife rambles on about something they don't care about, like Dorinda teaching some poor guy how to make a mojito or Ramona bragging about her nice clothes who's income costs as much as her shoes. 

 

Dorinda and Sonja peaked early which is the only way to really kick off this Miami trip. Everyone sat down for dinner and the two drunk blondes couldn't help but go in on Luann for being a complete and utter asshole to them. Sonja went postal screaming at the top of her lungs about Lu stealing her men and accusing her of popping pills, however, Sober Luann just palmed it off as Sonja being drunk and didn't actually hear or respect the way her actions have affected her friend. Luann is unattainable as a friend right now so everyone needs to come back to her in six months when the cabaret show isn't selling as well and she has her Conneticut humility back.

 

Sonja is the curator of cock. She finds these men from Tom, Harry and even the fucking pirate and then all her friends start fucking them, even though Luann wrote a song called GIRL CODE and Ramona literally said she wouldn't want Sonja dating her guys. Well, so much for Ramona's self awareness kick. 

 

While watching with sober eyes, the Cuntess was horrifed and vowed she'd never be like this again, but I'm afraid her sobriety test says otherwise. I'm over Luann acting like she's Jesus for not drinking, so thankfully she went to bed early and locked herself in her room to avoid any of the drunk antics going on downstairs. If you are going to be sober on a Housewives trip, especially a New York one, then maybe don't go? That's a good idea. Not even Babs the Bisexual Builder, leader of the Cabaret Cult could form a sentence to defend Luann's shitty behaviour towards Sonja and Dorinda.

 

To end the episode, Ramona excluded Babs from coming out with her right in front of her face like the asshole she is and then gave her a pity invite as if she was in a hostage video while Sonja's drunk rampage continued. Bethenny recycled her iconic GO TO SLEEP line and after a decade it finally seems to work because Sonja fell straight under the table which looked like it hurt more than anal sex with no lube. I bet Tej was happy.

 

The Real Housewives of New York City airs Wednesday at 9/8c on Bravo! Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the big apple ladies!

 

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