RHOBH Recap: Hawaii 5-Hoe

May 22, 2019

Another episode where nothing happened. All the girls are still getting along swimmingly and LVP is still in hiding with her gay Johns brainstorming how to convince the fans she isn't the manipulative shrew all the ladies know her to be. I am so sick of talking about this woman but the only point of controversy for the entire episode was Vanderpump taking a lie detector test, so I guess we have to touch on it. 

 

Lisa brought two of her lapdogs, Puffy and John Sessa, with her to her lie detector test to prove she didn't sell a story to Radar Online about Puppy Gate and of course she passed with flying colours. This woman has been lying on TV for the last ten years, are we really expected to believe she hasn't learned how to ace a test about lying? She lies to herself so obviously, she has no trouble lying to a machine. Lie detectors are inadmissible in court and people can train themselves to lie through the questions - the questions Vanderpump provided herself. The results don't mean shit and I'm sick and tired of seeing this woman proclaim her innocence every episode while Sessa stands around in the background. 

 

Why would Vanderpump even want to a lie detector test? She's made it pretty clear she doesn't want a relationship with any of the women, so she's not doing this to prove her innocence to them, she's doing it for the audience, just like everything she does in her strategic reality TV career. The whole scene was more sad and fake than a first season Housewife's clip-in extensions and what Vanderpump fails to understand is that the women don't think she's a manipulative liar because of the Radar Online situation, they've always thought she was due to their past experiences with her and that's why they don't believe her when she swears on her children. 

 

And why didn't LVP answer questions about setting up Teddi through the Johns? Although we all know the producers sold the story to Radar, the even worse crimes she's committed is all her behind the scenes manipulation which is what all the women are really sick and tired of. The story selling is just what caused Lisa to stop showing up. Everyone is hyped up over her Erika Jayne tucking joke and while I don't think Lisa's transphobic, I'd love to see her reaction if someone made the same joke about her. We all know she can give it up can't take it and she'd be screaming "TRANSPHOBIC" from the rooftops if Rinna made the same gag directed at her.

 

Also, LVP not showing up to Camille's wedding was stupid. It's a wedding she should be there, however, LVP and Camille are TV friends and she's not howling at Villa Rosa over the fact that she missed her destination wedding. Can we officially conclude the Vanderpump talk for the season because all the ladies ranting and raving over her is only going to give Lisa the last laugh? 

 

Before we get to the wedding talk, Denise had the best excuse to miss Camille's wedding, she was shooting a Hallmark Christmas movie, which is essential for any 90s actress' filmography. Nothing juicy really happened but we did find out that Charlie Sheen brought a hooker to Thanksgiving a few years ago and Denise was kind enough to set her a plate. Can you imagine the small talk over dinner about what everyone's thankful for and how Tina spent the last 72 hours sucking a sweaty investment banker's dick? I'd love for the hooker in question to tweet about her experience at the Sheen/Richards Thanksgiving but like all famous men with a love of purchased pussy, we all know Charlie's making his whores sign NDAs. 

 

Camille's destination wedding in Hawaii was more boring than Teddi Mellencamp's day to day life, which explains why only four diamond holders bothered to come along for the ride. Everybody went stand up paddle boarding in freezing cold overcast weather, Rinna got a cold so she wouldn't have to film scenes she couldn't be bothered filming and the producers gave us a series of dull dinners where nothing actually happened. Everybody ate pasta out of a cheese wheel, which I guess is the new thing in reality TV world and Mauricio got high. Stoned Mauricio was probably my only highlight of the episode besides Dorit trying on 85 pairs of almost identical sunglasses. 

 

The bride to be spent most of the episode with her real friends which left the rest of the ladies up to their own devices, however, she did show everyone around her new Hawaii home which looks exactly like the old one did. Literally, they had the same front gates and everything. Rinna said the most annoying thing about Harry Fucking Hamlin is that he chews gum and Edwin called Teddi controlling which made her want to stab him under the table for the entire dinner. Is this really the best we can come up with? Camille's husband cheated on her with a 22-year-old flight attendant and Taylor's husband beat the shit out of her for years. Are gum chewing and control really the relationship struggles the modern day Beverly Hills Housewives are facing? 

 

Teddi also cried about struggling between a work-life balance. This woman texts for a and films a reality show for a living, are these the neediest kids in the world or is Bravo just not giving us the full picture? Teddi makes sure her client's send her photos of their food and makes videos for all her employees to keep up with, while her children are still in the room. She's not working a 9 to 5 job, so these kids need to get the fuck over it and smell the fucking roses. This is exactly why Bravo needs to start hiring women well into their 50s with grown children because I'm sick of seeing rich kids complain about dumb things. Can't all the cities take notes from New York? 

 

Camille's wedding day finally approached which involved Kyle putting on her cap-sleeved dress and climbing into a tiny clown car to deliver Camille to her wedding. Can we all stop being so shocked that Kyle is her bridesmaid? They had a feud for a season and have been fine ever since, what's the big deal? And Camille and Kyle aren't actual friends, they film a TV show together and everybody knows that when you get married on TV you have to have at least one cast member in the bridal party just to make it seem a tiny bit authentic. I am so sick of Bravo weddings. How many of these things have I watched in the last few months? I've sat through Eva Marcille, Denise Richards, Danielle Staub, Mercedes Javid and Candiace from Potomac getting married and I've had enough. Camille walked down the aisle and said I do. End of story. 

 

Can we petition to put an end to these on-screen nuptials? We still have Vicki Gunvalson, Jax & Brittany and LeeAnne Locken's weddings coming up within the next year and I literally cannot watch any more people say I do. I just can't. 

 

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs Tuesday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the 90210 ladies

 

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