RHOP Recap: Corona Cock

May 20, 2019

Out of the entire cast, Gizelle Bryant is the one who has evolved the least. In season one she was the self-appointed queen bee who talked shit about everyone in her confessionals while trying to act hood and above everybody at the same time, and four years later she’s still the same bitch. Karen has gone through financial issues and lost both her parents, Ashley’s husband is grabbing black booty and feuding with her mama, Monique is about to welcome her second baby, Candiace just got married and even Robyn managed to fuck her “husband” so I guess she’s evolved someway somehow. But Gizelle is still the same sad old bitch we met in the pilot. 

 

The only thing Gizelle and her long neck have to talk about is the fact that Sherman doesn’t want to be seen in public with her. How many times does a man need to publicly humiliate you before you finally kick him to the curb? Gizelle is giving Khloe Kardashian a run for her money. Sherman doesn’t like the cameras and he obviously doesn’t like Gizelle because if he did he wouldn’t be leaving her high and dry hours before they were set to film a scene together.

 

On one hand, I can’t blame Sherman for being scared of the Bravo cameras on account of his "park after dark" fiasco last season but he can’t keep treating this woman like dirt, even if it is Gizelle. Somehow Gizelle is making Sherman ditching her into a storyline about her reaching out to old friends. Really Green Eyes? Really? Are we supposed to believe Gizelle’s therapy session is the reason Katie came back to the show? Even Robyn isn’t dumb enough to believe that.

 

If you haven’t heard, One Season Wonder Katie Rost, is back in the mix. In a show where everybody gives way too many fucks, Katie is a breath of fresh hair because she can’t find one fuck to give between her Indian (?) headdress, dirty jokes and unfiltered personality. Potomac needs Katie and she made her return while looking like Esmeralda because she felt like it. The last time we saw Katie her Jewish boyfriend dumped her after she begged him to marry her and she’s now moved on to a 27-year-old with too many clothes and no money. Hey, at least she’s honest which is more than I can say for 50% of the women on this show. Katie puts it out there, I don’t know exactly what “it” is but it’s what we need. Plus she told the newlywed on the show not to get married within three seconds of meeting her which is a moment in itself. 

 

In other Potomac news: Monique is still pregnant and her daughter is literally the cutest thing to ever walk the earth, The Black Bill Gates is almost as old as Karen’s father which makes me see him in a whole new light, who knew that Ray was a daddy? And The Grand Dame of Potomac who lives in Great Falls saged her house to meet with Gizelle. Karen only limited her to two rooms of her property and while the two have some weird sort of truce going on, it obviously won’t last longer than two episodes. They told each other (and the world) secrets about their private parts and in case you’re wondering, Karen doesn’t want Black Bill Gates to see her titties go east to west and Gizelle puts hair remover on her vagina to avoid waxing bumps. 

 

Not a lot happened in this episode but Ashley is telling everyone who’s listening that she isn’t drinking so she can get pregnant, while she has a Corona in hand. Ashley hasn’t been sober for more than a brunch but I’m not judging. I love alcohol more than a Kardashian loves FaceTune but if you’re going to say something, you should probably make your actions match it. And when has Ashley ever filmed a scene without sipping on a Corona? Ashley’s inconsistent alcohol consumption isn’t the most problematic decision making in her life, it’s the fact that she actually wants to have a baby with Corona Cock. 

 

I understand he has some kind of money, somewhere for some reason but is that really enough of a reason to have this man cum inside you and create a baby? Really, Ashley? Michael gets gayer every single season. He went from grabbing ass to hooking up with someone on Grinder to finally talking up a black bartender about his “rock hard” muscles at his wife's family gathering. This man wants a big black cock shoved down his throat and instead of pretending to be a straight man, he needs to finally let it happen and have his love of Wakanda dick take over his life. 

 

During Ashley’s uncle’s birthday party, which all the ladies attended for some weird reason, everybody got drunk and Michael started sniffing for penis. He was sad Juan wasn’t there, who he has definitely jacked off to multiple times, he also flirted with the previously mentioned bartender, admitted to a producer he was happy his microphone turned off because he said some regrettable things and even went as far to call himself: a good looking guy.

 

Michael isn’t ugly (?) but where is he getting this self-esteem from? To top off his gay night at his wife’s family event, Robyn also claimed to hear him say “I’d suck his dick.” That’s the biggest contribution Robyn has brought to this show besides her linebacker shoulders. Michael may not be completely homosexual but there’s no doubt he would enjoy roasting on a BBC spit and the producers are slowly but surely leading us up to his booty grabbing moment. I'd tell Ashley to dump him but this is far too entertaining. 

 

The Real Housewives of Potomac airs Sunday at 8/7c on Bravo! Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on these Maryland ladies.

 

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