RHOBH Recap: Friendshit

May 1, 2019

12 episodes in and we are still talking about this fucking dog. However, it's not about a dog and it never really was, it was about a friend betraying another friend and Lucy Lucy Apple Juicy was just the catalyst of Lisa Vanderpump's vindictive plan. I'm so over talking about Lisa Vanderpump, between Vanderpump Rules and all the drama going on this season, I'm officially Vanderpumped out so thank fuck this was most likely her last episode of the season. 

 

Let's get the LVP vs Dorit sushi lunch out of the way. This sit-down was the biggest waste of time I've ever seen. Dorit firmly believes Lisa set her up from the start of the season with Teddi and leaked the story to Radar Online while LVP is still playing the victim and pretending like she hasn't done anything wrong when her hands are dirtier than Brandi Glanville's mouth, and I mean in terms of her swearing because I'm sure she has great oral hygiene. Speaking of, when is Brandi's cameo coming up because she needs her diamond and she needs it right fucking now. To make a long story short, LVP said they can only be friends if Dorit doesn't believe she leaked the story and the accent confused Housewife stuck to her guns. 

 

So you can only be friends with Lisa Vanderpump if you blindly believe everything she says and never challenge her? Give me a fucking break, are we supposed to believe this woman has never done anything wrong in her entire life? Friendship is all about calling people on their bullshit and if you can't do that then why would any of these women want to waste their time with the snarly old strumpet. LVP can never admit when she's wrong, sets people up behind the scenes, is always mad about something that happened three years ago, lies about everything and thinks satin pink blouses are on trend. Tell me again why anybody on this show thinks this is someone they need to be friends with? Obviously, they need to make up for the sake of the show but the entire cast is this close to getting her gone for good, just let the bitch leave. 

 

Lisa cutting Dorit off and totalling dismissing her is just proof that they never really were friends. Dorit was the wife of one of her friends and the perfect allie for Lisa to bring on the show, however, once she saw the light LVP had no use for Dorit Kemsley any longer. They were never friends because a real friend would show a little bit of emotion when they decide never to speak to you again. LVP is done and thank fuck because there's only so much British humour I can put up with, however, as much as I can't stand Lisa or her dusty muff, her telling Dorit she loves her and then totalling admitting the opposite was a great moment. LVP sucks but her bitchy side this season is admirable to a degree. 

 

She would be an amazing Housewife if she let herself be 5% more human. The worst part of the whole conversation was not only Ken butting in like the arrogant old cunt he is but PK taking the Vanderpump's side. Even if you think your wife is wrong, you tell her that in the car on the way home, not at a table in front of her enemies. Also, has Ken ever met Lisa or is he trying out his luck as a comedian because him calling her the most honest person in the world who never lies literally made me spit out my milk.

 

Malibu sisters Camille and Denise caught up for lunch to discuss all the goings on in the group and although they live in the same part of town, they couldn't be further apart. Denise is a down to earth girl with a hot husband and love of tequila while Camille is angling to be the latest Beverly Hills villain with Brandi and Kim Richards out of the picture. Season One Camille never died because that bitch is alive and well, I'm just glad we're at a place where Camille Grammer can be a cunt on national television again instead of hiding her opinion and playing nice with all the ladies. We always knew she was thinking bitchy things about her cast members but now she's actually saying them.

 

Does Camille think her shit doesn't stink and is feeling herself way too hard? Absolutely but that is 90% of who Camille is. From the desk of Camille Grammer we now know she wants to like Dorit but can't bring herself to actually do it after she called her a cunt, she thinks LVP has too much pride and definitely agrees with the other girls but it too afraid to go up against her, thinks Rinna says some crazy shit and called Teddi a know it all, entitled millennial while Denise sat there counting the time until she could use the excuse of picking her kids up from school. Camille Grammer is back and I'm loving every second of it, not just the shit she's coming out with but how much Camille is loving being the old bitchy Camille again. Can we throw this bitch a diamond because from the trailers alone we know she goes up against Rinna, Teddi, Dorit and even Denise. 

 

Not a lot else happened which was evident when he had to sit through Kyle and Denise's morning routines of sending their kids to school. Who cares? I'm sorry but who is sitting at home intrigued when they see how Kyle puts her 10-year-old daughter's socks on or Denise's daughter not closing her sisters' door? However, on the upside of things we did get to see Lisa Rinna's 2008 workout video which was fucking thrilling. From Days Of Our Lives to Depends to her sex book to a workout video. Is there anything this woman cannot do? Can we have a special where it's just Lisa Rinna going through all the archives of all the shit she's peddled over the years? 

 

To end the episode, Teddi held a dinner for the ladies as foreplay before their big camping trip. Nobody on this show wants to go camping but Teddi is pushing this trip like it's crack. Camping isn't fun except for drinking near a campfire and judging from the previews that will be the one thing these women actually enjoy on their trek into the woods. While all the ladies assembled at Teddi's house, LVP held an event for India decriminalising homosexuality and John Sessa's makeup was... unexpected. The only thing I could look at during the quick flash of the event was his Kardashian contour and I'm kind of impressed. I think? The only thing more unexpected than that was Erika being invited to it. Lisa hasn't spoken to any of these women in WEEKS but invites Erika to her event? I get the gays love Erika and her pat the puss personality but what the fuck Vanderpump?

 

Of course, it didn't take long for Dorit to start talking about her sit down with Lisa and how PK conveniently sided with Lisa and Todd which none of the ladies agreed with. PK better stay in his corner and work on his finances because he's good in small doses but as soon as he opens his mouth and starts trying to grab his own diamond, he's more annoying than a fork in a blender. Kyle's right, there's obviously something deeper as to why PK and Lisa have this weird allegiance to each other and always need to stay friends like their lives depend on it. Are they fucking? Did they kill someone in London and they don't want the other to snitch? Is Max really PK's son? There's some shady side deal and I need to know what it is. 

 

However, what I need more is for all these ladies to shut the fuck up about Lisa Vanderpump. She sucks and I'm glad she's off the show for the rest of the season, however, if she's off the show and doesn't care enough to even show up, then none of these women should even give her the respect of uttering her name. I don't care about PuppyGate and I don't care about their friendships with Lisa because there's nothing left. Lisa is gone and we need new content to occupy our time while she's renovating her kitchen and blaming her hiatus on her brother's death. Who cares if PK is a better friend to Lisa than Kyle? Who gives one single fuck in the world? Erika's right, LVP isn't sitting home worrying about them, so why should they waste their time fighting over her friendship like she's the last piece of steak. 

 

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs Tuesday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the 90210 ladies

 

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