Vanderpump Rules: Season 7 Cast Ranked!

April 29, 2019

After seven seasons on reality TV the Vanderpump Rules gang were going to have to grow up eventually, however, now that they are buying houses, getting married and talking about babies I just want to go back to the days of cheating scandals, chunky sweater fights and everyone fucking everyone. Right now DJ James Kennedy is the only really upholding the traditional Vanderpump values so after their most grown-up season ever, check out our ranking of each cast member's contribution, not likeability, on the show this season.

 

11. Katie Maloney

Katie Maloney is the Eeyore of this franchise. She’s a black hole in the atmosphere and she weighs the show down more than Mama June would weight down a tight rope. Was that a fat joke? Sue me. Everybody knows James Kennedy is an asswipe but when an energy sucking vortex like Katie calls him out, it makes you want to side with the British turd. She doesn’t work at SUR, her marriage is rocky at best and I’m sick of her annoying baby voice, without Schwartz she would've been fired long ago and I can’t think of anything she did this season besides complaining about James that was actually productive. Bottom line: Katie sucks man. 

 

10. Tom Sandoval

Does Sandoval ever do anything of substance on this show? Literally, I can’t remember one thing this anime character did for the entire season other than sort of contribute to TomTom. The WeHo restaurant is finally open and while the motorbike and sidecar was cool to watch in the moment, Sandoval didn't do anything besides get his eyebrows threaded, defend James Kennedy to deaf ears and out his girlfriend's bisexual tryst. Sandoval is a good character to have in the mix but he definitely can’t carry the franchise.

 

9. Tom Schwartz 

Much like his soulmate, Schwartz doesn’t contribute too much to this show either. And when I say soulmate I’m definitely talking about Sandoval, they have more sexual tension than him and Katie “Eeyore” Maloney ever have. Schwartz always provides us with the comedic relief whether it’s in the form of giving LVP a briefcase full of $5 bills, wearing his moo moos or telling his wife he hates the sound of her voice. I don't know what he did besides stand around looking like a flaccid penis in Adidas slides but Schwartz manages to skate by every season with his floppy hair and anxious charisma.

 

8. Brittany Cartwright

After having one of the worst years of her life, Brittany bounced back like the reality TV unicorn she is, completely unscathed. How can she be on a show for season after season without one ongoing feud? The only drama Brittany contributed to this season was awkwardly talking back to Lisa, joining the "I Hate James Club" after his dumb rap about Faith, having a weird freak out in her apartment and planning her stupid extravagant engagement party. We haven't even gotten to the wedding and I'm already over it. Brittany is the cherry on top of the bukkake sundae that is this show, she's not necessary but she makes it just that much better.

 

7. Ariana Madix

I have a newfound love for Ariana Madix, although, her go with the flow, zero fucks attitude never really does enough to be ranked higher on this list. Ariana and Sandoval were literally the only ones brave enough to stand up for James, however, with her newfound friends with Stassi and Kristen she’s basically an honorary Witch of WeHo. The only things Ariana did this season were admit to Lala eating her pussy in the back of a car and going up against Lisa for playing her shitty games with the Toms, however, these are two things I can appreciate more than anything.

 

6. Stassi Schroeder

After officially falling from her position as the head bitch in charge, Stassi had a pretty breezy season and her only real drama was in the form of yelling at Kristen for dating a broke video game addict. The self-proclaimed basic bitch also debuted her new relationship with the loveable Beau on the show this year but managed to find fault in him having FOMO. Did Stassi really make her relationship struggles about FOMO? Stassi and Beau are the true power couple of this show which gives her several points in a year where she did basically nothing and her book deal about ranch and iced lattes continues to cement her as the biggest star of the show. Even when she's boring Stassi somehow knows how to bring it.

 

5. Jax Taylor 

Cockroaches and Jax Taylor are going to be the only things left after a nuclear explosion. This narcissistic piece of shit has outlasted more than his fair share of nuclear holocausts in this show’s history and somehow he came out of cheating on every girlfriend he’s ever had and being an asshole to every cast member in the show’s history to getting engaged and somehow having the editors wanting us to wish their relationship well. There’s no old Jax and new Jax, Jax Taylor is the same asshole he’s always been, now he’s just on a dead dad kick which probably only has about one season left before the fuel completely runs out and he finds another Hope or Faith to fuck. But watching him suppress his anger is a wild ride. 

 

4. Kristen Doute

Kristen “Suck A Dick” Doute is a national treasure and anybody who doesn’t recognise that can listen to her iconic catchphrase. Kristen is easily the most underrated cast member on the show and she’s finally being rewarded for her messy efforts. There’s nothing this woman loves more than a cause and this season it was scaling a fence to expose her ex-boyfriend for being a cheating asshole with a whore named Hope.

 

On top of this, Kristen also stuck true to her role as an emotional terrorist while on trips and not only ate wildflowers in the street but drunkenly fell over a table like a piece of spaghetti. How can anybody top this? She also exposed her rocky relationship with her video game addicted boyfriend and basically admitted she's staying with him because she’s 35. Nobody brings more to this show than Kristen Doute.

 

3. Scheana Shay

Following Rob taking a steamy dump on her last season and looking like a stalking idiot in the process, you would think Scheana Marie Shay would be a little smarter and not repeat the same Fatal Attraction pattern, but then again if she had that kind of logic she probably wouldn't have gotten an "It's All Happening" tattoo on her forearm. Seeing Eddie Cibrian's former side piece be so blissfully unaware well confessing her love to men who are with her solely for Instagram followers who sit there in total discomfort is amazing TV and I don't want her to go anywhere. Creepy Scheana scenes are the best scenes and the Bootleg Kardashian mildly sexually assaulting her several thirsty dates is literally the best thing this show has on offer.

 

2. Lala Kent

Lauren from Utah peaked last season as 2018's Gloria Steinem only to drop right back down like a yoyo. While most of the cast gave up on fighting with each other, Lala did only that and while she'd disappear from an episode here or there to travel on the PJ, when she was in town she spent her time accosting Raquel, mainly in front of paying customers, and putting Billie Lee in her place when the transgender cast member made all the attempts she could to try and get some kind of attention. Lala was fired up after her dad's death and although most of her anger was undeserved and wrong, it was entertaining and at the end of the day, what's better than Lala yelling at background character's while dressed like early 2000s JLo?

 

1. James Kennedy

For the last four seasons, DJ James Kennedy has been at the top of my shit list. He’s an arrogant, evil little twerp but with the rest of the cast growing up, this 26-year-old is the only character still fucking up and giving us the traditional Vanderpump values. Did he cheat on his girlfriend? Definitely. Is Raquel only with him to stay on TV? 100%. Does he have a mother that makes Casey Anthony look like a saint? Fuck yes. However, all these reasons and more is why DJ James Kennedy was made to be on reality TV. He's the only cast member left who actually works at SUR and without this little bitch baby crying to Lisa about getting his job back and insulting the entire cast, we wouldn't have anything left to watch. He may be a cunt, but he's amazing TV.

 

Do you agree with our ranking? Sound off in the comments below!

 

Vanderpump Rules airs Monday at 9/8c on Bravo! Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the sexiest SURvers in LA!  

 

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