Vanderpump Rules Recap: Tampa Taylor

April 23, 2019

If you’ve ever read one of my articles you’d know that Lisa Vanderpump is at the top of my shit list. I don’t want to kill her dogs, her set up a trolling account, however, LVP and her dusty muff have just never been my vibe and that’s fine but the fact that the Lisa Vanderpump takedown of 2019 is not only relevant in Beverly Hills but is now spreading to Vanderpump Rules is the story arc and the karma Lisa deserves. 

 

Ariana is fed up with LVP treating the Toms like they’re two bumbling idiots and the last straw was when Lisa reprimanded the Toms in an interview for going to Mexico when it was HER IDEA! This is standard Vanderpump procedure. She’ll bring up anything and everything she can to try and make someone else look bad and then pass it off as British humour. Fuck British humour, if you’re a cunt, you’re a cunt and it doesn’t matter if you sound like Harry Potter or not. It’s so obvious that all the Vanderpump gang have talked major shit about Lisa’s hypocritical and annoying ways behind the scenes, however, for Ariana to take her anger on camera and bitch about the queen of the kingdom is like some Game Of Thrones level shit. 

 

With LVP stopping from participating in Beverly Hills, I’m excited to only see her on one Bravo reality show and it’s only because this one is named after her and she just hovers around in the background. Lisa hangs the opportunity she’s given these kids over their heads like it’s a halo, however, Vanderpump Rules is a success from all these drunk and horny SURvers not because Lisa makes bad sex jokes about them in her confessionals. And why is LVP complaining about Schwartz giving her money in a briefcase for dramatic effect? You got your blood money so shut the fuck up and go about your day. 

 

I’m already over Jax and Brittany’s wedding and we haven’t even gotten to the engagement. Since when did people go crazy on a fucking engagement party? And who needs an engagement party? Isn’t that what Instagram is for? You post a photo and you’re done. I’m over Weddings by Bravo and if I have to sit through another season of a bridezilla moments I’m going to finger myself with a spoon. It’s not okay and I think it's pretty clear these two should not be getting married, however, they both seem happy to an acceptable degree and even though this is only stemming from Jax’s dead dad kick, I’m supporting the marriage based on Brittany’s excitement to be a princess. 

 

She tried on dresses that all look the same and then asked Katie to be her matron of honour. Obviously it’s a weird choice because Katie is more boring than a beige wall, however, you have to be married to be a matron so Brittany was obviously pressed for people. As well as appointing Katie to a high position, Kentucky Muffin also invited all her best girls and gays to Pump to elaborately ask them to be her bridesmaids with a Beauty and the Beast rose. It took me a good five minutes to realise this wasn’t the engagement party she’s been complaining about all season. 

 

In the end, Jax has been inside two bridesmaids (that we know of), Kristen is salty for Katie getting to be the matron of honour, even though she only received the title by default and Lala didn’t even get asked, so there’s that. While they all gushed over the bridesmaids' news, Lala was talking to DJ James Kennedy in an attempt to try and make him realise she is there for him but he couldn’t even make eye contact. I miss their friendship and I love how Lala has this underlying love for him but she’s too far deep into the Witches of WeHo click for James to trust anything she has to say to him. I don’t know how many more sit downs I can watch of DJ James Kennedy begging for his job back, however, can Lisa stop pretending he has some deep love for Sur when the only reason he wants to go back is for the show. If you’re a DJ in LA, why is your main aspiration to play in a fucking restaurant once a week? I’m confused. 

 

Apart from James being more defeated than a stepped on snail, Brittany choosing her bridesmaids and Ariana standing up to LVP and her dusty muff, Brittany and Jax’s whole families came to town for their engagement party and Jax acted like a dick once again. While out for dinner with everyone who has a penis in Brittany’s family, Jax continued to rave about always being number one to himself. I guess she’s still not making him those turkey sandwiches, huh? Even a simple comment of her family saying he needs to look after her, launched Jax into defending himself by saying “she needs to look after me too.” No shit fucktard, that’s what marriage is all about but she doesn’t need reminding when you’re the one who was inside another hoe 12 months ago. Fair enough you think this shit, but who says it in front of their in-laws? 

 

Jax is a total narcissist who can never accept responsibly for anything and although he drives the show, I’m lowkey ready for him to pack up his life and head over to Tampa because Jax Taylor is the most Tampa person who doesn’t even live in Tampa. The old and new Jax don’t exist, Jax Taylor is still the asshole he’s always been but is just trying to get his life together after his dad’s death. 

 

The only thing left to talk about is Scheana’s love life. How the fuck did Scheana Shay become the cast member I’m most interested in? For an entire season, Scheana has tried to get into the hot barback Adam’s pants, however, once she finally got in they decided to be best friends who fuck but they’re not dating? As a way to rile up Adam, Scheana decided to go on a date with some hot model named Ethan who also cooks for some reason and I have no idea where I’ve seen this guy before but I've definitely seen him before. Does he have a porn past? Asking for a friend. 

 

Anyway, Adam doesn’t want to date Scheana but doesn’t want her to fuck anyone else either which is the ultimate fuck boy move and although Scheana Marie Shay attracts, wants and craves this, not even she deserves this double standard. If Adam doesn’t want anyone else swimming in Scheana’s pool he should date her and if he doesn’t want to do that then the Bootleg Kardashian can reinstate her old traditions of having threesomes with basketballers. Adam only fucked Scheana to get on the show and the thought of losing her and the few Instagram followers he’s gained is probably scarier than the idea of actually dating her. 

 

Honestly, Adam should take one for the team and become Scheana’s live-in boyfriend next season if he wants to excel his career in the reality TV game because if not we need Slutty-Eddie-Cibrian-Side-Piece Scheana and we need her now. Did anyone else laugh out loud when Scheana said she’s never been the girl who just wanted to get married and have kids and believes more in being independent? Does Scheana even know Scheana? 

 

Vanderpump Rules airs Monday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the sexiest SURvers in LA!

 

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