Vanderpump Rules Recap: Tequila, Tantrums & Titties

April 3, 2019

The SURvers all took a trip south of the border to cut out the middle man and treat their severe cocaine addictions. In all the years these alcoholics in training have been having vacations together this was definitely the tamest and the fact that they only really had one and a half episodes about their trip speaks volumes of how boring this one was in comparison to previous years. I understand everyone is trying to adult and don't have DJ James Kennedy around to trigger them but without that British twink, all we have to watch is Tequila Katie being a raging bitch. 

 

Lala Kent had the line of the episode when asked if she was going to drink she replied simply "I mean why not Mama hasn’t been lit in a while" and if you don't think I've said it incessantly since the episode aired and have contemplated getting a tramp stamp tattoo of the quote then you're a fucking idiot. And what is a while for this group? 48 hours? Once Katie and Schwartz's fight was somewhat resolved from him sucking on her asshole and being a little bitch, the group decided to go out for dinner and everyone got absolutely shitfaced, especially Brittany who was advised not to drink by her doctor but when in Rome you eat pasta (fettuccine) and when in Mexico you drink tequila AND eat pasta (wink wink.) Everyone had their drunk eyes on and I was there for it. 

 

The only thing of interest that occured during this dinner was Jax proclaiming to the group that he still believes in his heart of hearts that Kristen Doute and DJ James Kennedy did fuck in Mexico last year because of the rearranged pillows by the hot tub. Oh my god. How much can we talk about these fucking pillows? Is there a special angle for a pillow when you're going to plough someone doggy style in a hot tub? I'm so confused and Jax really needs to stop talking about everyone else in the group cheating because everyone can easily throw a cracked mirror back in his face. While watching this episode I realised that literally every single person at the table has tasted the cum of at least three other people in the group. Okay, maybe not that far but let's break this down. 

 

Kristen dated Sandoval and fucked his best friend Jax who was also dating her friend Stassi. Sandoval then went on to date Ariana who Kristen tried to destroy while dating DJ James Kennedy who went on to fuck Lala "once" who also ate out Ariana in the back seat of Sandoval's car while he was driving. Katie is boring and somehow managed to get Schwartz to lock it down which is an achievement in itself but he's still getting blackout drunk and fucking his way across WeHo so it can't be that great and all the girls love to swap spit with each other and make out which makes this group more incestuous than Angelina Jolie and her brother. When you sit back and revisit all the connections you realise how fucked up this group really is. Would you be taking international vacations with your cheating ex and their new partner?

 

Lala is also still mad at the world and is defending her right to pop off at anyone who gets in her way due to the pain of her dad passing away. Everyone has pain and I sympathise with Lala but when she makes me sympathise with DJ James Kennedy and his bird brain girlfriend then she's obviously doing something wrong. Why would Lala Kent even give two thoughts to what James, Raquel and Billie Lee have to say? She promised Ariana to find her whenever she's about to go crazy to avoid a conflict but that's about as likely as Bille Lee becoming a full-time cast member. It's not going to happen. If you're a cunt, you're a cunt whether you're transgender or not. 

  

The girls all went skinny dipping in the Mexican ocean for the 85th time and Stassi, who came up with the idea wanted to stay in her room, take her makeup off and go to sleep. When did Stassi become so boring? Who the fuck is this person? You're on vacation so put on your happy face, take off your bra and go get some sand up your vagina with your friends. Why does Bravo even bother blurring the girls' nipples at this point? Why? What are they trying to prove because they can try and shield us from the truth but with or without blur Kristen Doute still looks like a piece of spaghetti. A hot piece of spaghetti that Carter definitely isn't appreciating because someone needs to swoop in and start twirling her up. 

 

The next morning the group decided to ATV through the jungle which was more boring than Katie's personality because you know how I feel about watching extreme sports on these reality shows. Yes, driving buggies through a jungle would be fun but it's not fun when you're at home waiting for a fight to break out. Couldn't they have gone to a bar instead and started day drinking at noon? Apart from the scene with the cars, the produced flashed us back very quickly to the group going out for a second night in a row. These SURvers just don't stop and I appreciate it but I feel sorry for the girls because as much as their men talked a big game about fucking them in several positions all over their hotel rooms, we all know they won't be able to get it up due to a little thing called coke dick. 

 

Scheana decided to continue her role as the flip-flopper of the group and told Kristen about Jax believing she cheated on her boyfriend last year. Of course, the resident piece of spaghetti and occasional emotional terrorist of the group decided to talk to Jax about the rumour where he just doubled down on literally everything he had said the night before and even leaned into the idea of Kristen fucking DJ James Kennedy because her relationship with Carter was struggling at the time. Can either of these two sling shit about anyone cheating after the stunt they pulled together? Just because Jax can't keep his dick in his pants doesn't mean that Kristen is strategically rearranging pillows to fuck a British twink but the only thing more annoying than Jax is that this potential fight was over before it even started. Couldn't Kristen have thrown a drink on his white pants? 

 

At the club, Lala started playing her song and crawling on the dirty floor which just reconfirmed she is the cast member I most want to get drunk with. Scratch that, need to get drunk with. Ariana also started doing snow angels on the floor of their hotel while recounting all the girls she made out with tonight and if she doesn't ditch Sandoval and start eating some pus then she's just lying to herself. Ariana is a lesbian waiting to come out and as flamboyant as Tom is, he's just a 12-year-old boy who Ariana has to take care of, honestly, this show would be made 500% better if most of the cast switched teams and I've put it on my vision board so it's only a matter of time before it comes true.

 

Everyone wants to give Kristen shit for emotional terrorising everyone on trips which is ridiculous because every single person on this show has fought with another person while on a cast trip so I'm confused what point they're trying to make but as Kristen was trying her hardest not to create any drama for the group, Stassi and Katie, her biggest bullies about labelling her an emotional terrorist were more than making up for it. Hypocrites much? Stassi was upset because it was 3 am in Mexico and her boyfriend wanted to continue going out with his friends.

 

Um. You're on vacation, why the fuck should Beau have to go to bed at a reasonable time? Stassi being boring is bad enough but she doesn't need to drag anyone else down with her. Instead of Beau actually going out he just ended up crying in bed to his girlfriend while they both cried about being scared that Beau's need of wanting to see his friends on vacation would ruin their relationship. Ugh. I'd rather see Kristen throw a drink on someone. 

 

Lala also had a panic attack in the car on the way home for unknown reasons but after the girls played Britney Spears she perked back up and kept on drinking. Reason #456 why Lala is the most fun on a night out. She'll cause a scene and then keep it moving but I have to admit I do miss the blonde hair. While Lala and Katie sat with their titties out in the hot tub, Drunk Ariana lectured them about life and although I have no clue what Ariana was talking about we need her drunk alter ego to make many more appearances than she has because if Tequila Katie and Crazy Kristen get their own drunk nicknames, Ariana definitely deserves one.

 

This episode was great but we've definitely seen better cast trips and next week we are back in LA to talk about no one attending James' dog party. HAVEN'T WE SUFFERED ENOUGH WITH DOG DRAMA ON BRAVO LATELY? 

 

Vanderpump Rules airs Monday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the sexiest SURvers in LA!

 

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