RHONY Recap: Cuntess

March 29, 2019

I know I've been slack on New York recaps lately but they haven't really given me anything to write about. Yes, New York is the best franchise and are infinitely better than it's sister cities, however, we need everyone to talk about something besides Dorinda and Luann's neverending feud. I still love my Big Apple bitches but it feels like they're still slowly waking up from their summer vacations and everybody is still proceeding with caution. 

 

Unfortunately, I didn't get to cover #LobsterGate so let me give my two cents on the situation before I dive headfirst into the bottle of distilled vodka that is Dorinda and Luann's fractured relationship. I know it's an unpopular opinion but I'm #TeamRamona on this one. Yes, she's a monster, however, Babs the Builder did offer for her to take some lobsters home and if someone is offering up lobsters you'd have to be a fucking idiot not to take them. It's fucking lobster! Should the ladies have stayed and at least shared the meal with their cast members before leaving and getting a doggy bag? Absolutely but we can't totally blame Ramona for stealing the lobsters after Sonja was trying to stuff them into every and any orifice in her body.

 

What is up with New York this season? Why has almost every episode ended with a weird cliffhanger which is followed by nothing really happening in the next episode? I'm confused, however, things finally took a turn at Sonja's sexy Paper Magazine party. While Sonja wandered around the room full of gays with her blonde extensions, Dorinda and Lu had their first face-to-face awkward exchange in six months. Dorinda is definitely hurt over the dissolution of their friendship, however, Luann is acting like an entitled cuntess (no I didn't forget the O) because she is feeling herself as a successful cabaret star and believes she has the upper hand. As soon as you think you have the upper hand in reality television the other shoe drops quicker than you can say JOVANI. 

 

Although Dorinda and Lu's first interaction of the season was totally underwhelming and anti-climactic after this is the only storyline anyone has talked about for the last four episodes, Sonja's party was not only saved by the revelation that Babs the Builder goes both ways but that a strange woman asked Sonja to kiss her on the mouth, the two had a steamy makeout in front of the rest of the cast full of tongue and groping before the drive-by lesbian stole away into the night never to be seen again. Who else but Sonja would make out with a strange woman she doesn't know on camera at her own party? Sober Sonja may be strictly dickly but once you start loading her up with cocktails she'll put her mouth on any open hole. An icon.

 

The Countess decided to take us to her community service which consisted of her putting soup into containers to be serviced to homeless people and it was fascinating. If I learnt anything from this episode it was that you need to shake the heavy soup kitchen ladle or else you get too much solid product in the container and not enough liquid, at least we know someone cares about the homeless population of New York city having the correct ratios in their soup. Lu's friend Ann also tagged along who is definitely doing the most for any kind of screen time she can get this season and the two friends drinking the soup kitchen's product was Ann's attempt at a Lucy and Ethel moment. If I hear one more Housewife or adjacent Housewife refer to themselves as "Lucy and Ethel" one more time I'm going to fly to Palm Beach and threaten to kill a cop myself. Also, can we get Luann's hardass probation officer on the show? Please and thank you. 

 

Tinsley is Elle Woods all grown up if she never got into Harvard. The trust fund baby money, the screeching, the obsession with small dogs and confirmed socialite status well into her forties. What does Tinsley do all day? Waltz around her New York City hotel room, take trips to Barneys and drink in fancy hotel lobbies before showing up to her reality television job and being paid to live. How the fuck do I get in on Tinsley's life because I definitely came out of the wrong uterus. Tinsley's mother Dale is back in town and I don't know many more times I can say that Dale deserves Tinsley's apple more than the resident screecher ever has and I think she's attempting to steal it too. Big Dick Energy by definition is Dale showing up to film on Tinsley's reality show and wearing her ex-husband's new wife's shoe line before proceeding to call their child the most beautiful baby in the world to her 43-year-old childless daughter. Dale is almost rivalling Vida in the bitchy Bravo mother department. 

 

Do I think the Coupon King will propose to Tinsley? No. Should they break up once and for all? Fuck yes. I'd recommend for Tinsley to stop taking her birth control and have unprotected with Scott to trap him into having an "oops" baby, however, she froze those eggs so she needs him to make a conscious decision to start a family with her and we all know that's not happening. He lives in Chicago and seems to hate everything about her so what is the point of this relationship, if he isn't going to propose or cum in a cup to give her a child. Can't Tinsley just find some rich investment banker on the Upper East Side and start procreating with him because that's been her destiny since she was five. Why does Tinsley date these guys and allow them to treat her like crap just because they buy her nice cars and jewellery, I'd say know your worth but that's basically it. 

 

In a weird turn of events, Ramona decided to go on a date with a man after going through a dating service and I don't know when, where or how they found this soulless ex-Nazi of a human being but he made me feel sorry for any single women over 50 who have to put themselves out there and date. This guy didn't tick any of Ramona's boxes and definitely not the one between her legs. He wasn't even memorable enough to have me remember his name but essentially he works for 80 hours a day, has a cabin in the wood because he hates people, has never been married, thinks human beings are incapable of monogamy and couldn't answer one question without acting like an entitled douchebag. How the fuck did these two get matched up together? Is this Ramona's karma for being a total monster for the last 75 years on earth? I'm all here for seeing Ramona date but I'd prefer it if they stuck to her sexually assaulting her Hamptons staff. 

 

To attempt to remedy Luann and Dorinda's relationship, Bethenny held a gangsters lunch and brought Babs the Builder along because Lu wouldn't come without her. Are you kidding me? Luann gets arrested, sells out a few cabaret shows and suddenly she thinks she's the second coming of Christ. I loathed season two Countess Luann de Lesseps who was self-righteous, judgemental, rude and etiquette obsessed and that's the bitch who decided to rock up to filming this season.

 

Obviously, the fans sided with her last season over the initial Jovani feud and Luann thinks she is winning this war, however, the other shoe has fallen and now Dorinda has the upper hand in this fight. I'm sick of the Countess and I just want Lu back who fucks pirates, falls in bushes, makes fun of herself and just has a good time. Dorinda is winning their feud right now. She's emotionally invested in rekindling their friendship to the point of tears and is definitely being the bigger person, even if she can't own she heckled the Jovani. 

 

Was Dorinda too drunk to remember her infamous heckling or does she just think she gave Jovani amazing advertising? Dorinda may not have apologised but she's at least trying to open the door to a friendship with Luann who is acting like an entitled cuntess (again, didn't forget the o) and this is coming from Lu's number one fan last season. Babs the Builder keeps walking around saying Dorinda can't say she's wrong but anytime in the past Dorinda has gone too far in an "alcohol" binge, she immediately apologizes the next day and keeps it moving and as much as I'm into Babs the Butch Bisexual Builder she needs to put down Luann's kool-aid and start drinking some vodka to give us her own drunk RHONY moment.

 

Dorinda and Luann agreed to move on, however, their true emotions still didn't get out onto the table and until that happens they'll never really be friends. Also, who the fuck was Luann to shade Dorinda's pink hair? Some people dye their hair pink for a gangster lunch and others wear statement necklaces to any and every occasion, who are we to judge? 

 

Dorinda's apartment was the seventh Housewife in this episode with her real estate Laurie coming over who looks like an 80s ashtray and I am obsessed. Her face was more tan than a Jersey Housewife's asshole, her hair looked like it hadn't been touched since her last blowdry in the 80s, she's a professional New York broad and I'm convinced her body is running on tobacco rather than oxygen but I am more than okay with it. I'm not entirely sure why this woman needed to come on the show but I'm glad she did and we need much more Laurie on our TV screens. How has Dorinda been on the show for five seasons and we've never met her yet? What other gems is she hiding from us?

 

Babs the Builder also came over to look at her apartment as she works in construction but instead just insulted her floors and tried to get Dorinda to spend money she didn't need to spend to renovate her kitchen. I'm not entirely sure what happened but Dorinda accused her of drinking Lu's kool-aid and Babs the Butch Bisexual Builder and her horn necklace got kicked out of Dorinda's Upper East Side apartment. I have no idea what happened but I'm #TeamDorinda.

 

The Real Housewives of New York City airs Wednesday at 9/8c on Bravo! Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the big apple ladies!

 

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