It's TGIEW: Thank God It's Eva's Wedding. For an entire season, Eva Marcille has tried to shove this "dream wedding" down our throats like it's a big black cock and it was more painful than her wannabe hood accent and forgetful shade. Eva sucks, she flopped as a Housewife big time and is just filling a space which rightfully belongs to Kenya Moore Haircare. The only reason I was excited for this wedding to air was that it meant we could finally stop hearing about her struggling to pay for a party which will only last six hours and complaining about having multiple dresses that not one person cares about.
The main reason I can't find one fuck to give about this wedding is that it's completely ridiculous. We don't know Eva's husband, we don't know the inner workings of their relationship and we don't even really know what this bitch's house looks like. Bottom line: we don't know Eva. How are we supposed to be invested in a wedding and storyline revolving around a relationship that's essentially a stranger to us? That would be like meeting a homeless guy at the mall and being invested in his everyday life of digging through trashcans and asking strangers for cigarettes, actually, that sounds a lot more interesting than this boring wedding.
This is a PSA to anyone who is ever contemplating getting married or having a wedding: if you can't afford it, don't fucking do it and if you do find yourself in credit card debt over a six-hour party then don't complain about it because nobody cares. You did this to yourself, the only person you should be complaining to is the man in the mirror - or woman in the mirror. Normally I love a Michael Jackson reference but after all the Leaving Neverland tea they're few and far between. I don't care about this wedding and I couldn't say it loud enough. Eva claimed to have spent $1000 per person on the big day. First of all, what the fuck? Second of all, why are you telling people this? Third of all, why isn't Bravo paying? And fourth of all, how?
Eva's wedding was more basic than Eva herself. The venue was nice, pristine and white but definitely not worth $1000 a pop. There was a cheap golden gate she had to walk through but apart from the food, drinks and location what else was she spending money on? Nobody needs two dresses so if she wants to complain about buying two gowns for one event, that's on her. At weddings people only care about three things: food, drinks and music, as long as you have those three things in a nice location then everything should be alright. Brides should always remember, weddings are like fourth-grade oral presentations: no one cares. No one is actually listening, they're just sitting through the ceremony narcissistically thinking of themselves waiting to have a free meal, get drunk off an open bar and twerk to Cardi B on the dance floor. That's it.
During the ceremony, literally, every Housewife in attendance thought about their own wedding day and couldn't have cared less about Eva standing on the altar, not even Bravo gave a fuck about her big day and even edited in footage of NeNe's wedding in half through the ceremony. That's how little Eva matters to this franchise, somehow NeNe Leakes managed to be the centre attention in someone else's wedding and if that isn't the sign you've made it as a Real Housewife, I don't know what is. Speaking of the Rich Bitch, she was back from her suspension after roughing the crew and although this episode was supposed to be dedicated to Eva, we spent the majority of the time in a back hallway discussing the ladies walking into NeNe's closet.
To make a long story very short, Marlo went back and told NeNe what Kandi and Porsha had said about the closet situation. NeNe called Kandi in a huff (off camera) and then the group decided to discuss the drama at Eva's wedding. Bottom line: everyone is wrong. Kandi and Porsha shouldn't have gone into their closet and NeNe shouldn't have physically assaulted anyone. Period and end of story. Yes, the Rich Bitch could've been more relaxed about the situation because at the end of the day nobody cares if she has a messy closet, however, if her weed was lying out then that's another story. Unless there were a few baggies in there then there's no reason to be ripping people's shirts.
Instead of owning her part in the drama, NeNe wanted everyone to admit their wrongdoing and when that didn't happen she broke down about her relationship drama with Gregg while everyone attempted to crawl up her asshole to appease the OG. NeNe and Gregg are in a rough position right now in their relationship and that's definitely affecting NeNe's mental state. She's not okay, she's struggling more than we know and the fact that Gregg discussed separating before she was supposed to attend a wedding is fucking crazy. I hope NeNe and Gregg can sort out whatever the fuck their issues are because they are one of the most genuine Housewives couples of all time and I don't want to see anything happening to the Leakes family.
This episode was a little lukewarm. Eva got married, NeNe had a breakdown and it just left me with more questions than answers. Why wasn't this the season finale? Do the producers not even care enough about Eva to end the season with her wedding? Did her husband win the Atlanta mayor race? How does Cynthia get younger every episode? How many sugar daddies did Marlo try to find at the reception? Was Shamari doing coke in the bathroom? Why didn't Tanya have more airtime? Was NeNe wearing LeeAnne Locken's Infinity dress? Is the bob Kandi's natural hair? And how many more episodes of this season are left before the reunion when everyone (finally) stands up to the Rich Bitch?
The Real Housewives of Atlanta airs Sunday at 8/7c on Bravo! Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on our favourite Georgia peaches.