Vanderpump Rules Recap: Vajazzle

March 12, 2019

Vanderpump Rules is one of my favourite shows on television and it gives me a deep orgasmic feeling every time I see those SURvers slinging drinks in slow-mo at the beginning of the episode, however, how many times can we watch the same storyline play out? Katie Maloney doesn't like DJ James Kennedy because we called her fat. We get it. James gets it. Everyone with cable gets it but we're 14 episodes deep into the season and they still feel the need to remind us of this very obvious fact. 

 

The reason for the cast trip this year is for the Toms to have a fun getaway before the opening of TomTom. Wow, the writers are really running out of ideas, however, this made the Toms the de facto hosts of this year's Mexico trip and once they invited DJ James Kennedy on the CAST trip, the wife of the de facto host had a problem with it. It's not like Katie and James have anything in common besides their affinity to say horrible things about other people and then cry when there are consequences for their actions, so why would they even be around together on a cast trip? We have to look at the bigger picture, this isn't just about a cast trip, it's about James' income. 

 

These reality stars get paid big bucks for their cast trips and missing out on a Mexican vacation means missing out on a massive Bravo paycheck, why else do you think James was so upset about his latest disinvitation? Katie doesn't work at SUR while James really does depend on a DJ's income from the restaurant and that is the sad truth. Using the excuse of wanting to quit her job because someone made fun of her shorts is bullshit and only highlights the unauthorised power Katie Maloney has on this show. How does everything always fall in her favour? She slut shamed Lala for years on end but now when she's being called fat it's a problem. 

 

If Kristen or Lala had a strong stance against James Kennedy coming on the trip, I would understand and it would make sense but the fact that we have to rally behind and support Katie fucking Maloney in banning James from the trip is ridiculous. I can get behind a cause but a black hole of soul-sucking energy with self-esteem issues isn't someone I can root for. Katie has been horrible to literally every single person on the show and guess what? Every single person on the show has been horrible to everyone else on the show, that's the point of Vanderpump Rules, so if these sexually driven reality stars didn't hit below the belt and call out each other's flaws, what would we be watching? I'm glad Schwartz has finally decided to stick up for his wife but was this really when he needed to start? It's a cast trip and Katie's only playing into being the "host's wife" to try and exert some power through the fourth wall without anyone being allowed to bring up the fact that they're on a reality show and that it's not the Toms trip, it's Bravo's trip. 

 

Katie sucks so much and Sandoval spoke for the world when he finally called her out on her bullshit, declaring her a bully and pointing out her hypocritical standards when it comes to how she treats other people. Katie doesn't work at SUR, Katie doesn't give a fuck about James and Katie is only using her power on the show to fuck with DJ James Kennedy's dwindling bank account. Just when the producers did a wonderful job of portraying Katie as an unlikeable shrew for pussy whipping her whimp husband and banning James from the trip, the British DJ did what he did best and self-sabotaged by lashing out at the Toms for being disinvited from a trip and calling Katie fat in his confessionals. Did he learn nothing? WE WERE ROOTING FOR YOU! WE WERE ALL ROOTING FOR YOU DJ JAMES KENNEDY! Just when it starts to become likeable he goes right back to square one. 

 

It's a group trip and for the sake of everyone's bank accounts, the entire cast should be allowed to tag along, also, what is a cast who all get along going to fight about? Are we supposed to be okay with these SURvers entering international waters and getting along? Who the fuck wants to watch that? This isn't The Golden Girls, it's Vanderpump Rules and we need at least one villain amongst the group at all times and that villain is DJ James Kennedy. Without James calling people fat, what else are we supposed to watch on this cast trip? Before season seven I was firmly against James Kennedy. He grossed me out and was such an aggravating little termite, however, my general annoyance and intolerance of Katie Maloney made the British twink likeable in my eyes. If Katie has a problem with James going on the trip, she can stay home and braid her pubic hairs. 

 

Also, out of all the countries in the world do we really need to head to Mexico for the THIRD TIME. Enough is enough and these SURvers deserve more respect than another south of the border vacay. Send them to a Carribean Island at least to spice it up because these alcoholics in training bring in some of the biggest ratings for Bravo and get the worst vacations (and pay) in return. I understand we need to keep up with the idea that this is a group of struggling waiters in LA but the gig is up and they need to go somewhere else they haven't been 85 times. 

 

In other Vanderpump news, Kristen and Carter are still in a loveless relationship but for some reason, they are deciding to stay together. Stevie Wonder could see this is a bad relationship and Carter is definitely a condescending prick, however, Kristen Doute thinks so little of herself she's willing to stay in a shitty relationship just because she's pushing 40 and would like to get married someday. She doesn't have to settle for a douche who can't even keep a photography job and even Kristen deserves someone who can appreciate all her quirks and doesn't just mooch off of her reality TV career. Carter is a freeloading hipster and although I love Kristen "Suck A Dick" Doute more than life itself, this relationship is circling the drain and she needs to cut her loses now before he steals her credit cards for another impromptu Hawaii trip. 

 

Stassi also got her vagina vajazzled, which is the process of bedazzling a pussy. Do I need to go further? I just wished we got to see her pretty little pussy with its glitter crown on because that would be a L-E-W-K. Aside from Stassi's vejazzlement and DJ James Kennedy being banned from the trip, I'm not sure what else this season has in store for us, but I'm hoping after some Mexican pasta these SURvers will start throwing drinks at each other once again because if someone doesn't throw a drink at their costar in international waters did they even travel overseas?

 

Vanderpump Rules airs Monday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the sexiest SURvers in LA!

 

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