RHOA Recap: Kandi Koated Kum

March 11, 2019

Instead of this episode beginning with the aftermath of NeNe attacking the crew and security running into her room with blue shoe covers on, we left off with Porsha and co. shaken from the experience and going over everything that went down over bottled water. Could the producers try and give us a full rundown of what happened instead of weird black fade away shots? Either show NeNe Leakes ripping shirts off of people's backs or don't show us anything at all.

 

I love when Housewives are able to break the fourth wall and everyone did that through referencing the cameraman NeNe abused in their confessionals. When the cast members of a TV show actually refer to the production of that show it makes everything that much more real, the only way it could've felt more real is if these ladies talked about NeNe's (alleged) fine for roughing up the crew by being edited out of this episode and loosing her $100K check. Everyone gave their opinions on the incident except Marlo who doesn't want to say anything to piss off the Rich Bitch. Should Kandi and Porsha have gone into NeNe's closet? Probably not. Should NeNe have physically tried to remove them from the room? Fuck no. NeNe definitely had some weed laying out and didn't want America seeing her mess because what else would explain such a REACTION. 

 

Also what the fuck happened with this belt situation? NeNe ripped Porsha's belt but nobody wants to talk about? This has literally become The Porsha Williams Show and she knew the backlash NeNe would receive from ripping a belt off of a pregnant woman, however, that shady producer asking her that question definitely gave Andy something he can play with at the reunion and maybe, just maybe, has something to do with the reason NeNe unfollowed most of the cast on social media. I'm sick of this being NeNe's world and everyone just living in it, nobody can say anything that contradicts her opinion because then she starts getting loud and won't calm down until the other person eats crow and then her pussy. I don't want to see a whole cast revolt against NeNe, however, she definitely needs a few enemies to keep things interesting. 

 

Oh, how the tables have turned. Porsha went from being the Floyd Mayweather of the franchise to the pregnant victim getting her belt snatched. At least everyone had their original hair at the Bye Wig party so nobody's weave could be pulled out of their head this time. Am I right, Kenya? Apart from ClosetGate being a major discussion without the main participant of ClosetGate present, everyone's attention turned to Shamari's lesbian tendencies being revealed after she had a few too many drinks but before she threw up on Eva. In her drunken stupor, Shamari played with Eva's boobs and grabbed Tanya by the pussy which alarmed her husband and his nonexistent eyebrows who still isn't over their marriage nearly being destroyed from their open relationship. Are we still talking about this?

 

If Shamari was going to go out and have fish tacos for dinner, she would but for some reason, she decides to come home to a man without eyebrows every night. Where the fuck did those things go and can we have a look for them please? Ron (I think that's his name) is scared of the slippery slope of lesbianism that his wife falls down after the cocktails are flowing, but if she has to pick between vodka and her eyebrowless man, I hope she'd go with the alcoholic option every day of the week. Also, are they cousins because I'm definitely getting an inbred vibe and they have to at least share an uncle or something. After Shamari's drunken lesbian rampage she's grown on me, however, she's still holding a peach which should be in Kenya Moore's grip.

 

For some reason, Cynthia and Eva decided to get colonics while FaceTiming each other which wasn't something I thought I ever needed to see. How many times can we watch reality stars have the shit drained from their body before it becomes too much? We are literally watching people take a shit before our eyes and nobody says anything, if I wanted to see someone sit up on a table while they have something inserted into their anus, I'd watch porn. Before the two models had the shit extracted from their bodies, Eva pretended like she's never seen the show before and started asking Cynthia about her wedding to Peter which consisted of her stressing about having no money for a wedding when she could've just went over to the justice of the peace and called it a day. I've never cared less about a wedding than I do about Eva Marcille's and we should all thank our lucky stars that she's tying the knot next week so we never have to hear about this ever again. 

 

In a NeNe-less episode, Kandi finally threw her sex dungeon party. I'm still confused about what she was trying to do, was it a party or a performance because I feel like we still need some clarification on the topic. After singing her lungs out for an entire season when nobody asked, Shamari suddenly lost her voice the day of Kandi's dungeon show. Really bitch? All we've seen Calamari do for an entire season is be criticized for dressing like a mother and talk about her past open relationship, so when she finally had the chance to perform are we really supposed to believe it was just a "coincidence" that she lost her voice on the day of. 

 

However, it didn't matter because Shamari just pulled a Britney Spears and lip-synced like a true professional. If you can still give me a good show with a sexy costume and some dance moves, then it doesn't matter if you had to mouth the words to your own song, I'm here for an experience not for a singing recital. We all know Kandi is a freak but seeing her turn a dirty made up allegation into a successful burlesque show was a brilliant move and just proves what a businesswoman Kandi Burruss really is. When life gives you a lesbian sex scandal turn it into a successful business venture. The entire show was sexy and I'm definitely jealous of the freak Todd gets to go home to every night, however, can Kandi and Cynthia finally become the power couple they've been hinting at becoming for years now because you can tell they both definitely want this to happen. 

 

Kandi brings out a lesbian side of Cynthia (and most of the cast) which I appreciate and seeing Miss Burruss not only straddle her friend and cast member but aggressively stuff her face into 51 Cynt's vagina and ask her about her level of wetness on stage was sexually arousing. It felt naughty seeing these two Housewives literally having intercourse on stage but I was here for it. Kandi advertised a sex show did she not? And she gave us exactly that by covering Cynthia in Kandi Koated Kum. The producers needed to give us a shot of Lake Bailey's panties after the experience because there's a 750% chance those things were drenched. While Kandi was still literally performing all the ladies came backstage in their dominatrix outfits and best dressed goes to Tanya. That pink curly wig was EV-ER-Y-THING and she has such a fun, upbeat energy that needs to be around more.

 

While backstage Marlo accused a mute Shamari of having a drinking problem. She threw up once and now she has a drinking problem? Are you fucking kidding me? Shamari isn't acting like Kim Richards, she's just a new mother who's on a reality show and wants to have fun which she shouldn't have to defend. Shamari is the new girl, she obviously wants to be the life of the party and sucking down beverages is a good way to make that happen. Marlo knows she's not an alcoholic but she also knows how to command attention and give us great made-for-TV moments, however, hats off to Shamari because you aren't really a Housewife until you've been accused of having a drinking problem. Bottoms up!

 

The Real Housewives of Atlanta airs Sunday at 8/7c on Bravo! Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on our favourite Georgia peaches. 

 

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