Words can't describe how thrilled I am with the New York Housewives returning to Bravo. I feel whole when these cougars are back in my life and no other city can possibly give us the magic these Upper East Side street walkers provide us with, this is a show of legends (and Tinsley) and if New York isn't your favourite Housewives franchise you're either a liar or you hate yourself.
There's nothing I love more in life than a dramatic season opening and the producers gave us exactly that. Is this what an orgasm feels like? Instead of wasting our time with the super tease we've already watched online 300 times, the producers have been giving us breathtaking moments from the first second lately and I am more than here for it. We saw flashbacks and news clips of Luann's relapse and Dennis' death which both occured as the reunion was airing last season so season 11 picked right up after the reunion, which is the best time for the cameras to start rolling. Don't give them a moment to breathe, just throw them right in and film every second of it.
This season is giving me vintage RHONY vibes with all the ladies flocking to the Hamptons for the end of the summer and although this premiere was a little slow, I know these broads have a lot in the tank to give us and they can't just blow their load all in one go, so the producers gave us little updates on all the ladies. The Coupon King bought Tinsley a car which she screamed about as it was offloaded from a truck but then shrieked when she attempted to actually drive it to the Hamptons. Someone with this much anxiety and 12-year-old energy shouldn't be behind the wheel. How did Tinsley make it this far? I don't hate the Paris Hilton adjacent socialite but in a show of LEGENDS how has she managed to stay around?
The drive to the Hamptons with Sonja and Tinsley was rough, mainly due to the fact that instead of hearing them bitch about their friends or discuss current events, it was just full of the wannabe Coupon Queen exhausting her vocal cords and struggling to drive in a straight line. I have so many questions about Mugshot Mortimer. Is she still living in the hotel? How many sexual favours did she have to perform to achieve the car? Will we see the Coupon King this season? And most importantly, where the fuck is Dale? Tinsley is the D'Andra Simmons of New York, they're only keeping her around so we can see glimpses of her southern mother.
Ramona is still patrolling the Upper East Side in a bandage address, her short bob and a questionable face. Yes, Ramona is the Benjamin Button of our time but did she get Juvederm on only half of her face? The Singer Stinger obviously went in for a pre-season tune up and the fillers haven't quite settled in yet, but let's give her two episodes for her old (or new) face to reemerge. Ramona Singer will flirt with anyone whether it's a married gay couple who are trying to sell her apartment or a beefy swim instructor. The fact that Ramona is 63-years-old and learning how to swim due to her near-death experience is so on brand and now I understand why she's always floating around with those noodles, but how the fuck can anyone teach someone else how to float?
Maybe she's 70% pinot grigio instead of 70% water and that's the reason for her inability to float? Aren't those two new boobs keeping her afloat? I just don't understand how somebody literally cannot float but with Ramona, there's a high possibility she can swim like Michael Phelps but saw the possibility of getting wet with a hot guy and took it. Ramona is living her best life as a horny cougar and I appreciate at it, however, after 11 seasons of acting like a total nut on television, I'm confused how she hasn't won an Emmy. Talk about disrespect. Do I need to start a petition to get this bitch an Emmy?
Bethenny is still reeling from Dennis' death who died only three weeks before filming. They weren't together when he passed away from an opioid overdose but in a thirty-second recap Bethenny quickly informed us she was engaged, he fell over on a boat and sent her 500 emails? Bethenny Frankel wasn't my favourite cast member last season, however, she's obviously destroyed over the loss of her on-and-off again boyfriend in a very real way, which I appreciate, I was just shocked to see her have actual friends. Bethenny isn't someone who's ever had many real friends off camera so to see her lunch with three people who aren't her assistants was SHOCKING. Also, nobody even mentioned Carole and although past Housewives rarely are brought up, I thought the B would at least throw her some kind of shady innuendo.
The townhouse is officially being rented out and I miss it. Lady Sonja Tremont Morgan has moved into a new apartment in Colombus Circle which allows her to take her dog for a walk and boss her new assistant Taylor around. What college did Taylor spend four years in only to become an assistant for a Real Housewife and Sonja Morgan no less? I miss the townhouse and I miss those interns every day. The new apartment is fine but it won't ever have that grimy texture of her old home, but I guess she can make new slutty memories in the new two bedrooms while her daughter is out of town. Due to a number of reasons, Sonja was waiting for her curtains to arrive so she and Taylor had to tape a monogrammed towel to her window to keep the sun out and stop onlookers from a restaurant looking in on her getting pounded. That is a problem only Sonja Morgan would have. A legend.
Luann and her cigar stained voice are still kicking in the Hamptons and riding Vespas around her backyard after she returned from rehab for the second time. She updated us on how "the children" sued her after she was going to sell her Sag Harbour home to afford a new upstate property which triggered her to spill into a relapse and then be escorted to another facility for 15 days. Currently, she's 52 or 53 days sober but hey, if the Countess has a sneaky wine inbetween takes who's counting? Through Luann, we were introduced to the new "friend of" Barbara K who owns her own construction business and has an Erika Jayne style monotone voice.
I'm here for Barbara. She's been around the Upper East Side circles for a long time and already has a peripheral beef with Ramona Singer from her pretending not to know her, a story hundreds of people would be able to share about Ramona Singer. Oh and she also sued Bravo years ago after she talked shit to Carole about Luann marrying Tom, a clip the producers didn't shy away from within the first 30 seconds of introducing her. Barbara also informed us she, Bethenny and some bitch named Anne were apart of the Charlie's Angels team to help Lu when she spiralled as this season is already unofficially becoming the Blondes vs Brunettes with Sonja jumping back and forth in the middle.
Apart from Lu's relapse and Dennis dying, the main theme of this show is Dorinda and Luann's beef. Is this still happening? Why is Dorinda so hurt over this? She instigated the entire moment in Cartenga, so I don't understand what she's mad about but she's definitely pushing whatever issue she has with alcohol onto Luann. Carrying on this feud and denying she heckled the Jovani is just sad and I miss the self-aware Dorinda Medley of yesteryear, however, I did love the "Drunk Dorinda" montage, she may rip her friends apart when the martinis are following but a slurring Dorinda is great TV. These two are in a standoff and I'm already sick of it. They need to make up, put it behind them and be the friends we know them to be because this bitchy back and forth is bringing out the worst in both of them.
The Real Housewives of New York City airs Wednesday at 9/8c on Bravo! Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the big apple ladies!