Vanderpump Rules Recap: Bad Romance

March 5, 2019

I may have missed last week's Vanderpump recap, however, the main revelation of the episode was Lala's "break" with Rand which lasted all of 17 hours. Thank fuck I didn't give my exhaustive opinion on their alcohol driven breakup because it would not have been worth it for something that was resolved right after the slow-mo drinking throwing credits stopped playing. Lala, Rand and their 30 year age difference are probably the most functional relationship on the show and it's entirely because they are not on the show. Randall's smart to keep his mess in the shadows because as soon as Bravo cameras start lighting up his apartment to start filming they'll spiral right into TomKat territory. 

 

Lala could commit a murder-suicide and I wouldn't give a fuck, purely based on the fact of her very detailed sex life that she shared with Stassi, the hairdresser, a Bravo production crew and the entire world. Lala spoke about how she occasionally meets Randall at hotels in differing wigs, picks a slutty name like Tiffani (differently with an I) and pretends to be a wannabe actress who will do anything to get cast in a movie, so basically she's Lala in a pink wig. The even juicier part of the conversation was Lala going on to say she routinely asks Randall "Does Daddy want to play with Lala's asshole?" (or maybe cunthole I can't read lips) and the fact that he bought her a range rover the day after they started fucking.

 

Is Lala's pussy made out of gold? Does it shoot diamonds? What kind of million dollar pussy does this Utah gangster have if she's producing range rovers after one session? Lala needs to start giving lessons and everybody should start wearing wigs in hotels and asking your daddy about your cunthole because clearly it scores you MAJOR points. 

 

Aside from Lala giving us prime tips on how to land a sugar daddy we had to revisit the same tired topic of Ariana not wanting kids. Not everybody wants to push a child out of their vagina and spend the next 18 years financially and emotionally looking after the little snot-nosed cunt only for it to blame you for all of their problems in life. Kids suck and we should know this because we were all one not too long along. Ariana does not want children. End of discussion. However, apparently Tom Sandoval and everybody else on this show didn't get that message. 

 

Everybody wants to talk about Ariana's uterus and after she asked Sandoval not to discuss her reproductive organs with his friends, he ran back to them and asked them not to ask Ariana about having kids because it makes her not want to have them. No. No. No. Ariana doesn't want to have kids because Ariana doesn't want to have kids, it's not because Jax Taylor asked it's because as a human the idea of pushing another human out of her vagina doesn't sound like a fun idea. Not only did Jax not only bring up the topic of baby-making to Ariana but he also proceeded to lecture her on why she SHOULD procreate. For the first 45 years of Jax Taylor's life he fucked anything that moved, refused to wear protection and is the human form of herpes, but he has somehow become the authority on relationships and children? Give me a fucking break. 

 

It's 2019. Why are women still being asked when they're having kids, not everybody wants that just look at Jennifer Aniston or Carrie Bradshaw. Some women like living childless lives and why wouldn't you? Your income doesn't go towards an annoying twat, your body isn't stretched beyond its means and you don't have to give up seafood, smoking, drugs or alcohol for nine months. Can someone tell me what the benefit of procreating is? If having children is a deal breaker for Tom then they should break up now or just go along with their weird idea for Tom to have a child in ten years where Ariana may or may not stay with him to raise the little fucker. If I have to hear this topic be discussed one more time I'm going to run into ongoing traffic. 

 

Kristen and Carter's relationship is in the gutter and no one is happier than Katie Maloney. Bubba 2.0 sucks and her baby voice, constant negative attitude and incessant need to complain about everything is getting so tired. Yes, Kristen may be in a bad relationship which she has voiced to her friends but she doesn't need Katie fucking Maloney barking at her on how to live her life. What does she expect? She'll berate Kristen and embarrass her in front of a table of girls and she'll turn around and agree with everything she's saying. No fucking way Maloney. That's not being a good friend but we're seven seasons in and Katie's reign of terror is still raging on. 

 

Who would take relationship advice from a girl who's husband refers to her as his girlfriend, has made out with half of LA blackout drunk and fucking hated her a week before their wedding. Nobody is in a position to give relationship advice on this show, especially Katie. Stassi dated every douchebag this side of the Mississippi until finding Beau, Ariana is in love with someone who shaves his face and has a homoerotic relationship with his best friend, Scheana is the real-life version of How To Lose A Guy in 10 Days (or seven minutes) and Brittany is engaged to a sociopath.

 

Even Stevie Wonder could see Kristen is in a bad place in her relationship and Carter is coming off as a cunt with a capital C, however, the joy Katie has towards the demise of Kristen's relationship is sickening and she's just happy another dysfunctional relationship on the show is taking away from the fuckery in her own household for a few episodes.

 

Unless they are going to speak to Kristen like a human being and not like she's a dog, Katie and Stassi are never going to get through to her so they should just be loyal friends and watch her relationship go to shit from afar instead of yelling at her while she reacts like a piece of spaghetti feeling attacked by her friends. Kristen "Suck A Dick" Doute also admitting to basically staying with Carter because she's 36-years-old and doesn't want to be alone was one of the darkest and most relatable things I've ever heard on this show but Kristen needs to know there's plenty of fish in the sea who she can scoop up that won't take her credit card to Hawaii for a boys weekend. 

 

To end the episode, Beau's adorable mother, who needs a permanent place on this show, decided to give the group a relationship workshop, I'm not sure where she got her relationship therapy degree, probably online if she has one at all but the session basically consisted of her lecturing the group on their reptilian mind, which stops the brain from making decisions and goes into a flight or fight mode.

 

Is the reptilian mind a fancy synonym for an amygdala because it sounds exactly like LeeAnne Locken's brain explanation. Wow, how did I learn so much about the human brain from watching Bravo? I hope Stassi and Beau have a TV wedding purely so Beau's mother (who's name has escaped me) can get more airtime and share more of her wisdom with these alcoholics in training because she was a gift from GOD. 

 

Vanderpump Rules airs Monday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the sexiest SURvers in LA!

 

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