RHOA Recap: Wigless

March 5, 2019

Yes, this recap is more late than Porsha's period, however, what I lack in punctuality I make up in snark and shade. It's no secret this season has been as boring as Shamari's personality but both the season and the newbie seem to be looking up, we don't have long left of this season and although it's been a long slog of sad cancer storylines and Eva complaining about a wedding no one cares about, I'm glad we are ending on a high this year even if the high is seeing Kandi and Cynthia dry hump each other in front of paying customers. 

 

I'm more than obsessed with the non-relationship relationship between Kandi and Cynthia, they have wanted to fuck each other for years through mild flirtation and lesbian innuendos and seeing 51 Cynt attempt to straddle and arouse her friend was probably the closest we'll get to see these two actually bump uglies without another RapeGate 2.0 storyline. Cynthia's dance moves were weak but she looked the part in her dominatrix costume and her little whip and at the end of the day, that's really all that matters. 

 

Cynthia Bailey never fails to slowly insert herself into her friend's passion projects through sneaking into the auditions, first it was Kenya's "Life Twirls On" sitcom that ended up in the same place she did and now Kandi's dungeon show. I'd like to think Cynthia has a friendship contract with herself that's filed away somewhere because 51 Cynt really is Cynthia Bailey's best friend and I can picture them drinking wine with frozen grapes over at Lake Bailey while the insects play together outside. Nobody has more branding based on her name for all aspects of their life than Cynthia and I appreciate it. Oh, and what happened to the Bailey Agency? Did it go to Housewives heaven along with Sonja's toaster ovens because we really need a special revisiting all the failed business ventures of Housewives past and present. 

 

Aside from Kandi and Cynthia resisting their urges to eat each other till they cum (Porsha's words) the episode mainly revolved around NeNe Leakes' natural hair party which just consisted of all the Housewives turning up to Casa Leakes wigless, weaveless and any other kind of less that isn't their own hair growing out of their head. Although all the women would rather curl up in a ball and die instead of exposing their real hair on camera, it was great to see what these bitches are really working with because celebrities everywhere are playing around with weaves and have pink hair to their asses one day and a bob the next, so it's relieving to see what's really happening under their wig caps.

 

Eva's hair looked like it normally does. Long and orange. Shamari had a cute little afro along with bringing two friends who were just there to drive her home, Tanya's hair was in a curly bun, Kandi's natural hair was like seeing an old friend, Cynthia tried to cheat by using scrunchies for more volume and I was sad to see 51 Cynt with that much hair because I miss her bald days when she'd run around with a rooster on her head. NeNe gave us her season three hair back and Marlo and Porsha gave us similar black bobs. All in all, everyone looked fine and nobody had any noticeable bald spots caught on camera and that's really all that matters.

 

The producers were working overtime to build this episode up and gave us little flashforwards into the fuckery of the party while NeNe twirled around her foyer to jazz music and the sounds of her having a mental breakdown. NeNe Leakes is a tough bitch so it takes a lot to bring her down but it turns out her spouse getting cancer will do just that. Nene's suffering and although she's been crying all season as soon as she lost her wig and combed her remaining hair across her head, she lost her self control and gave us a stunning 5150 moment. 

 

To understand her breakdown you have to understand that Gregg was admitted to the hospital the previous day for a blood clot and called Cynthia and Marlo to check on NeNe. As soon as the text hit her phone Marlo ditched her hair appointment and drove uptown through Atlanta traffic to check on her friend NeNe who wouldn't reply or open the gate. Yes, NeNe is struggling with having a sick husband but I'm #TeamMarlo. Think about it. You put your possibly suicidal friend ahead of your hair and waste money on gas to drive through the suburbs of Atlanta only to be turned away, I'm sorry but putting her friends needs ahead of her hair alone makes Marlo Hampton the friend of the year.

 

Marlo was late to NeNe's natural hair party which only aggravated the Rich Bitch more but since when was NeNe the authority on tardiness? Wasn't she late for the bus 85 times in Tokyo and just generally throughout the course of the show? NeNe needs to sit down and take several seats before she starts huffing and puffing over her friends being three hours late to a party. Also, how are these women THREE HOURS late for an event? Especially when Porsha lives down the street. What world are we living in? However, as soon as Marlo entered the party NeNe went OFF and ripped through Marlo like a kid ripping through their Christmas presents. None of this is about Marlo and all of this is about Gregg.

 

NeNe knows she acted like a cunt but just wanted Marlo to be there for her as a friend and what happened next was more surprising than NeNe Leakes deciding to show the world her own hair. It was NeNe Leakes crying. And not just a few tears, no no, sobbing, wheezy sounds, uncontrollable mess. This was a breakdown and no amount of hugging could fix this. We broke NeNe Leakes, not even in season seven did we see NeNe reduced to this level and clearly she and Gregg have a lot more to work out than which vegan chef he wants to hire. We've never seen this side of NeNe and more to the point, I don't think we want to, it would be like seeing Superman not save someone from a fire, how do you look at him the same way? 

 

After more than enough crying and a possible storm out on Marlo's part, both "sisters" made up and retreated upstairs while leaving the rest of the party guests downstairs to eat their food, talk shit and drink. Up until this episode, Shamari has sucked. The open relationship got her nowhere, her 90s chic style is sad and that wet rat she calls a wig is an embarrassment to the entire franchise, however, seeing Shamari take back her drinks, bring friends along to be her designated drivers and sexually assault Eva by physically and emotionally slamming her pussy is something I can get behind. The lesbian in Shamari was finally unmasked thanks to the wonders of vodka and she should've given us this side of her since episode one. 

 

Shamari's growing on me and as a general rule of thumb, we need to get our new Housewives smashed by at least episode five to see who we're really working with. To top off her drunk lesbian behaviour, Shamari decided to wander into the bathroom and proceeded to throw up on Eva's shoe that already looked like a dead cat. If Eva's going to walk around with fluff ball flip flops on her feet, then she has to recognise the chances someone is going to vomit on her and as weak as Shamari's stomach was, I'm proud of her for being the first Housewife to vomit inbetween another Housewives toes and in the same bathroom as Brielle's roach video. I knew that bathroom looked familiar and the fact that a room can have more of an impact on this show that Eva Marcille is incredible. 

 

As much as Shamari's personality has become more likeable, NeNe's customer previously self-described as THAT BITCH took up way too much airtime. Why do we care about Yovanna? I'm confused. She spent over $300 at Swagg, got a guest role on the show and only made it back on because she got drunk and slightly insulted Eva, who gives a fuck? Their none existent beef was more boring than Yovanna herself and as much as the producers are trying to make NeNe's latest brown noser happen, she's just not going to happen. Give me Tanya over THAT BITCH any day.

 

Following NeNe's breakdown, Shamari's vomit session and Yovanna vying for airtime, the ladies decided to visit NeNe and the other Talls upstairs while Kandi and Porsha looked around NeNe's closet. I don't know if she was hiding cocaine, meth or even a little person in there because the Rich Bitch charged at those them as soon as they started to gander around her labels. What was she hiding in her closet because through flashes of a TO BE CONTINUED montage we see NeNe rip a cameraman's shirt and chase her costars as men in covered shoes invade her bedroom to stop the 897th physical altercation on this show. It took almost an entire season but this show is getting GOOD.

 

The Real Housewives of Atlanta airs Sunday at 8/7c on Bravo! Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on our favourite Georgia peaches. 

 

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