You always know a reunion will be good when the day starts off with Andy asking how many times a week the ladies have sex and if you're wondering, Melissa and Margaret, throw down three or four times a week, Jackie tries at least twice and the only thing entering Jennifer is her rabbit. Do you really think she and her husband have sex when the goal isn't to procreate? While I am invested in knowing how many orgasms these girls have a week, we've come a long way from Ramona Singer walking off the set due to Alex McCord's nudes. Times are changing.
It didn't take long for Marge and Jennifer to go at it which was ignited after Jacqueline Laurita 2.0 continued to slam Oklahoma. Is she trying to be Vicki Gunvalson? I don't understand. She apologised for being an asshole but is now continuing to be a stuck up bitch, is this the real Jennifer or is she acting like a snob for the cameras? They were PAID to be in Oklahoma for three days, who cares if you have to sleep in a trailer, it was nicer than that marble monstrosity she claims to live in. Jennifer is confusing. She says sorry but then continues to fight about the issue and blames her behaviour on tequila but then doubles down while sober? If you're a cunt, you're a cunt and if you're sorry shut up and stay seated in your mother of the bride dress.
In the midst of the fighting, we discovered Margaret had an affair for a year and a half before she finally told her ex-husband. Holy shit. Could she have joined the show at that time? A year and a half is a long time to fuck someone that isn't your husband and keep it a secret. Jennifer justifying her talking about the sunset from her house by asking Andy if we saw a rainbow in his car and then saw a rainbow at a BBQ, wouldn't he talk about the first rainbow he saw. What the fuck? No. Nobody would do that, that doesn't even make sense and she needs to work on her analogies.
I'm so sick of Jennifer saying what Margaret did to her was worse. Everyone is wrong, just in different shades. Mail order bride is a funny joke and the Turkish newbie was probably thanking her lucky stars, Margaret, mildly insulted her brother because if not, she wouldn't have had anything to work with. Calling her brother's overseas wife that he's met once mail order isn't as bad as constantly talking about Margaret's mother. Marge Sr can do no wrong. Sure, she may have had a fifteen-year affair with a married man but doesn't that make you love her more? Jennifer calling Marge Sr a homewrecker felt dirty to me and we really didn't need to take it there, but I'm sure that comment solidified her return for a sophomore season. In future Jennifer needs to leave Marge Sr the fuck alone because if she's offended by somebody not giving her brother business, how would she feel if someone talked about her mother?
Jennifer Aydin is insufferable. Yes, she's good TV, I realise this but it doesn't mean I like her. She's more annoying than a crying Kardashian and her personalised, bedazzled boxing robe was rough. We get it, you like being a Housewife. The ladies also covered the monkey's asshole controversy and all these months later, Jennifer's lips still look like the asshole of a monkey. Teresa Giudice is a fucking idiot, we all know this but defending Jennifer for calling her necklace ugly because "she was upset" is so dumb. Isn't there a general intelligence you should have to be a Housewife? Teresa can't even string a sentence together and I literally don't understand who people can stan anyone who can't read a book.
An update on Dolores: she's still living with Frank while he builds a home for her boyfriend David. That's healthy. Can they just become a trouple and call it a day? Please? Apart from her unconventional home life the editors also made it seem like Dolores and Melissa have some deep-seated feud with long pauses and Andy saying "admit it, you hate her" which sounded like the last part of a question. Dolores isn't going home and scheming on how to take down Melissa every night, but she's close friends with Teresa and she knows Melissa through her. They're obviously not close but I'm down for Bravo trying to make a feud between them even if Melissa just sat there in her budget Selena jumpsuit not saying anything.
Most of the reunion was exclusively reserved for Jackie and Teresa to fight like two cats in an alleyway. Does Tre really hate her this much over an analogy? A fucking analogy? She was making a point and Teresa's just too dumb to understand it because she heard "husband" and "prison" in the same sentence and alarm bells started ringing in her little bird brain. How has this beef evolved to this level from an analogy? Teresa also needs to take a look inward and stop thinking she's the queen of this show, Margaret has officially taken over that role and it's no longer The Teresa Show. That ship has sailed and all the people who aren't on the show because they hated Teresa need to come back because they're more entertaining than the bodybuilder.
Teresa wouldn't even let Andy ask Jackie a question and claimed she wants to be her? Who the fuck would want Teresa Giudice's life? Her husband's in prison and is getting deported, she's an ex-con and has the IQ of a fourth grader, who wants that life? Teresa is never going to win a battle with an intellectual. She doesn't even understand most of Jackie's insults and definitely had no fucking clue who Merriam Webster is. The only ammunition Teresa has is calling Jackie a stalker but she couldn't even define the word if she tried. She probably saw a fan tweet it, thought it was funny and brought it with her to the reunion. I'm confused, if you come to someone's book signing once in a ten year period and then show them the photo on the first day of filming, how does that make you a stalker?
Jackie wasn't hiding in Teresa's bushes every night or writing her strange love notes, but it's the only thing Teresa can think to fight about. Also asking if she had eaten after the group had a lengthy discussion about Jackie's eating disorder was rough. She can't even shade someone correctly because she doesn't have the correct terminology. Of course, she meant to call her thirsty but then used the word hungry which brought on a whole new meaning. Teresa isn't scary, Teresa isn't intimidating or even funny, she's just throwing shit at the wall and seeing what sticks. The jailbird reacting to Melissa calling her irrational by telling no one to talk to her and then attempting to throw Andy's cards across the room proved Melissa and Jackie's points for them.
All the eating disorder talk on these shows lately have replaced the cocaine talk which plagued the shows a few months ago. At least talking about anorexia is more productive than accusing mothers of being drug addicts.
Teresa had rage at this reunion but you don't have to be Einstein to tell it has nothing to do with Jackie and everything to do with her husband being deported. To end the first part, Jackie said Teresa didn't write any of her books which is 100% correct. I've read Turning The Tables and this woman can't even string a sentence together, how the fuck was she supposed to write this book? None of these Housewives write their own books, at least Erika Jayne admitted it. However, instead of owning her behaviour, Teresa grabbed Andy's cards and attempted to throw them at Jackie. That's a new move and I'm glad Teresa thought of an innovative way to be violent without having to actually touch anyone. Good for her.
The Real Housewives of New Jersey airs Wednesday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the craziest ladies in Jersey.