RHOBH Recap: Desperate Housewives

February 20, 2019

I don't care about Kyle Richards and Lisa Vanderpump's friendship, if you can call it that. They only tolerate each other because they know the fans like their banter and I can't take it. They aren't funny, they aren't relatable and worst of all, they aren't even entertaining. Also, can we finally be done with seeing Housewives getting plastic surgery on screen? If I have to watch one more vaginal rejuvenation I'm going to enlist Bravo's resident witch Carlton to put a hex on all the recently tightened vaginas as payback for following the tired Housewives ritual. 

 

The only thing worse than watching Housewives playfully undergo Botox, facials or having their vagina probed is when a pair of Housewives attempt to compare themselves to Lucy and Ethel, unless they are stomping grapes together through a black and white lens, these Birkin carrying bitches are not the loveable pair. They're not Lucy and Ethel, Rachel and Monica, Brenda and Kelly or even Carrie and Samantha. Maybe if Samantha was a 70-year-old British woman but even then it would be a stretch because Samantha Jones is funny and actually enjoys intercourse. 

 

I'm loving the Erika, Dorit, Rinna team. They're fun, stylish and somehow relatable in a ridiculous way even when talking about owning several houses they've never even been to. They're just a fun time together and are a lot more natural, carefree and entertaining than the forced friendship LVP and Kyle are trying to shove down our throats, plus without Eileen in the picture, Rinna needs all the allies she can get, especially with the reckoning of Lisa Vanderpump soon approaching. Dorit and PK are so fucking weird. So weird. They're like eating raw tuna with ketchup or going to Target and not accidentally spending $300 but I'm kind of obsessed.

 

I'm aware that I've shat on PK and Dorit HARD since they joined the show, however, three years in and I finally get them. We may not be supposed to like them but they're fucking funny and know how to entertain us. Could you imagine being a fly on the wall in their household? Most of Dorit's behaviour is indefensible but we don't need to defend or even like her, we just need to watch from the sidelines are appreciate the entertainment value she gives us. Who else speaks in an undetected, fake accent while wearing head to toe designer workout gear on a Thursday afternoon while talking to their husband who should probably be at work. It's marvellous and I don't want the Kemsleys going anywhere, even if PK does look like a mutated thumb. 

 

Kyle cried (again) due to her third daughter going off to college. Every second season it feels like someone is sending their child off to college and it's a storyline that needs to be recycled out with vaginal rejuvenation. Kyle will be fine and to be honest I'm not too sure what else her crying scene entailed because I was to focused on Daddy Mauricio. He's hot and rightfully holds his title of the hottest husband in all the lands. Can you imagine him and Kyle having sex? All the couples on this show would make great porn scenes. Denise and Aaron, Harry and Lisa, Kyle and Mauricio, Teddi and Edwin and well, that's about it. Nobody wants to see LVP and Ken shag although I'm more than intrigued to watch Mr Girardi going to town on Erika's cookie and PK doing whatever needs to be done to Dorit. Can they change this show to The Real Nymphos of Beverly Hills and just give us an hour of the couples fucking? Please and thank you. 

 

It's episode two and the Charlie Sheen references are already getting excessive. I understand it's Denise's schtick and we need to get them out of the way before we fully dive into what she's all about, but every second word out of her mouth is Charlie and the best we get is a phone call? Can't we at least get a clip of him picking up the kids or stumbling around drunk? I love a Charlie reference but overkill is overkill. Denise is a goddess. She's beautiful, funny and has a likeable energy about her, obviously, I think she'll definitely stay out of any and all drama, however, we need someone who can give us comedic relief and the second season is where Housewives shine anyway. Plus, she doesn't feel like a new cast member, we already know Denise so it just feels like an old friend is coming around to visit.

 

The best thing about Denise's hot husband is not only the fact that he fucked her in his place of work but also that he's Nicollette Sheridan's ex-husband, well current husband because someone isn't signing the paperwork. I don't know who has less money, the energy healer Aaron or Nicollette who hasn't worked in a decade. The group finally addressed Harry fucking Hamlin and Aaron being Eskimo brothers by way of both marrying Nicollette for a minimal amount of months. Hearing Lisa Rinna utter Nicollette's name brought be more joy than the entire last season and the thought of that messy bitch joining the show is fantastic, she has built in history with Rinna and Denise and she sued the entire ABC Network after she was killed off Desperate Housewives, this bitch knows how to fight and I am here for it. And what else is she doing? Starring in a Lifetime movie? 

 

I love when Housewives crosses over into mainstream Hollywood History, especially when it involves Nicollette Sheridan running off with Michael Bolton while being married to Harry fucking Hamlin. Most of the children in LA are definitely inbred because the incestuous nature of Hollywood is mind-blowing. With Charlie Sheen and Nicollette Sheridan out of the way, these ladies just need to address the fact that Denise and Teddi look like twins then we'll be good to go. 

 

Eating disorders became the eighth Housewife of this episode. Sorry, Camille. Teddi opened up about acting recently and told Lisa Rinna her acting agent back in the day told her to lose weight if she wanted a job which was accompanied by a fat Teddi flashback photo. After watching the clip of her "movie," I don't think it was Teddi's weight that stopped her from booking roles. I live for an old school fat Mellencamp photo, it's my favourite thing on these shows aside from physical violence or Lisa Rinna's mother Lois showing up.

 

However, this conversation prompted Rinna to talk to her daughter Amelia who shared her own anorexia struggle last year. Everybody has body confidence issues, it's human nature and being way too skinny is just as bad as being overweight. People telling a skinny person "oh my god you're so thin" or "eat a burger" is the most annoying things you can say. Shut the fuck up and eat your own burger, Cheryl. 

 

Body shaming is bad in ANY size and needs to fucking stop. This show is a great platform to target young girls and even not so young girls who could be struggling with anorexia or any other kind of eating disorder, so I applaud Lisa for talking about the issue and trying to help girls everywhere by sharing her daughter's story. The best part of all the eating disorder talk was Rinna then hosting a pastry cooking lesson where no one wanted to eat. Talk about a full circle moment, and I don't know what these women classify as a cooking lesson but putting premade desserts into a chocolate heart and writing a note, isn't really cooking, but who wants to watch somebody actually bake on these shows? 

 

Apart from all the slow catch-up scenes, the only other noteworthy facts are that Giggy is on death's door and obviously wants to join Pink Dog in heaven, Camille is hovering above this group like a vulture and Dorit decided to take the girls on a trip to the Bahamas where she offered to share her master suite with Lisa Vanderpump, who of course "punished" her by using British humour. I am so fucking sick of the British humour. It would be one thing if LVP could take a joke but if someone gave her the same energy she gives them, it would be a 13 episode arc about how she was betrayed. I can't stand LVP or her dusty muff but I'm ready for the cast members under the age of 75 to have some fun in the sun next week.

 

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs Tuesday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the 90210 ladies

 

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