This is the first time in nine seasons were a New Jersey reunion can be described as regal. The recycled Atlanta couches among all the sequins and glitter of their cheap Jovani outlet dresses have finally lifted these broads up to where they need to be and the fact that everyone stuck to a consistent theme is going to make me orgasm. The set, the theme and the overall presence of this reunion is exquisite, however, the outfits could use some work. Check out our ranking of the reunion looks below:
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7. Danielle Staub
What the fuck? No seriously, look at the photo above and ask yourself. What. The. Fuck. I wasn’t even going to include Danielle in this ranking because she’s not a Housewife but once I saw her dressed as a senior citizen attending a bingo game, I couldn’t resist the urge to tear her a new asshole but the best part is that it’s her original design. Doesn’t that explain it? I don’t even want to look at this let alone wear it and I can’t decide if she is wearing pajamas or just enjoys dressing like a silk purple dildo. This outfit is tackier than Jennifer’s house but I wouldn’t expect anything less from our resident Prostitution Whore.
6. Jennifer Aydin
Can you say mother of the bride? I understand Jennifer constructed an entire room in her house dedicated to someone proposing to her daughter but she looks like Elsa’s ethnic aunt in this dress. The hair resembles Elaine from Seinfeld and if you are going to pick something to wear on national TV, why would it be this? She could've picked something sexy with some flowy hair and a slit but I guess she decided to be the mother of the group. Is she attending a UN dinner or a Housewives reunion? Let’s just hope it’s a Jovani.
5. Margaret Josephs
I go back and forth with this look. It looks great and is a fun thing to crawl around in, however, why? Marge and her pigtails can do no wrong and I like the colours, the sparkles and overall Drag Queen-ness of this outfit, she came to give us LEWKS and stayed true to her tagline with having the devil on one side of the outfit and an angel on the other. Marge looks like Kim G going as Erika Jayne for Halloween and its everything I need it to be and more. It may not be the best look but it's a mother fucking statement, just like Marge herself.
4. Melissa Gorga
Could Melissa’s JLo obsession be more obvious? Gorga is stunning but in recent years she’s retired herself to wearing plain makeup with an Envy mini dress, so I’m relieved she broke out of her shell and decided to dress like a Selena impersonator in this purple gym number. I don’t know if she’s going to serenade me or do a flip? She took a risk and gave us something which is better than a safe, neutral coloured mini dress and her same ombré blowout, so we have to be grateful for Jennifer Lopez’s distant Italian cousin for spicing things up.
3. Jackie Goldschneider
Jackie doesn’t fuck around. She squeezed into a nice metallic silver gown and looks stunning. There's nothing bad I can say. It shows off her body in a slutty robot kind of way and I am here for it. Good for Jackie. I was always taught if you can't say nothing nice don't say anything at all, but why the fuck would I implent that rule now? I'd prefer to say something snarky about this look but I just can't. She looks like the perfect Aryan robot even though she's a jew. Mazeltov!
2. Dolores Catania
If this was a 60s swingers party she would have the perfect outfit. Dolores Catania is fucking her stunning, her hair and face speak for themselves, she's literally flawless but this look delivers on all fronts too. Her outfit more resembles a nightgown a gold digger would wear when the police notify her in the middle of the night that her billionaire husband died in unexpected circumstances. It's dramatic, stylish and looks fucking comfortable. What more can you ask for? Now she just needs to marry rich, kill her husband and wait for the police to come by so she can utilise this gown again.
1. Teresa Giudice
Jersey's resident jailbird and her minimal foreheard really piss me off. I can't stand Teresa constantly blaming Melissa for every trouble in her life or crawling inside Danielle's asshole, but she made up for everything in this dress. Her forehead has seen better days without a high pony to showcase it, however, she looks like a slutty Italian I Dream Of Jeanie which sounds like a lifetimeachievement goal. You can't fault this look from the shimmering gown, her bodybuilder tan and even her rose gold hair which is bringing her one step closer to her original hair colour. She may be an idiot but at least someone in her glam squad is paying attention.
The Real Housewives of New Jersey airs Wednesday at 9/8c on Bravo! Stay tuned at Good Tea for our exclusive tea and shady recaps on the Garden State ladies.