RHOBH Premiere Recap: Bitch Fight

February 13, 2019

Let's get one thing straight, I don't give a fuck about Lisa Vanderpump and Kyle Richards' friendship but seeing the episode begin with a sneak peek of their peace treaty imploding was commendable. The two OGs haven't been friends for a very long time but ever since season five they've put their differences aside, swallowed their pride and sat next to each other on the reunion couches because they know they're stronger together than they are apart. They aren't real friends and now that Teddi is Kyle's new bestie, she doesn't need LVP's tired "British humour" to fill that void. Oh, and Ken yelling at Kyle was not only disgusting but also solidified he's just an angry old drunk with a face that's hanging on by a thread. 

 

Before the producers gave us the drama we came for they had to warm us up with Lisa Rinna doing goat yoga with her model daughters. My prediction is that goat yoga is going to be the next big Housewives trope. From vaginal rejuvenation to Escape Rooms to pole dancing classes and any other weird recreational activity you could think of, the Housewives franchise and adjacent reality shows love to recycle their activities through each other and in the next year goat yoga is going to AT LEAST be featured on Keeping Up With The Kardashians, Shahs Of Sunset, Vanderpump Rules and any other LA-based reality show you can think of. Mark my words, there's going to be a lot of exercising with farm animals in our reality TV viewing future. 

 

Oh, in case you didn't know Vanderpump's brother died. Rest In Peace. Death is sad and I definitely sympathise with LVP to a degree, however, we all know she's not my favourite Housewife, by a LOOOONG shot. It would be terrible to have your only sibling die from a suspected suicide but she chose to be on this season and signed her contract just like everyone else, so she can't pull out the dead brother card every time she has a confrontation with someone and she's definitely playing it up in her confessionals to get sympathy for when everyone turns on her. I don't care about this storyline. Sue me. If you're a cunt, you're a cunt and you can't go around using your brother's death as a way to make everyone else look bad for confronting you for being an asshole.

 

The Vanderpump Dogs scene was rough. I haven't seen a scene this LVP produced since she set up the entire Munchausen conversation in her house many moons ago. She's manipulative and schemes behind the scenes. Every single Housewife who has ever filmed with her has said it. Kyle, Adrienne, Kim, Camille, Taylor, Brandi, Yolanda, Rinna, Eileen, Erika and even Dorit to a degree have seen Lisa weave her magic behind the scenes and her gay Vanderpump Dogs henchmen dragging Dorit's recycled dog into a scene where the Beverly Hills Housewives just happened to be filming was another example of this. 

 

Before we dive into the Vanderpump stagement of the situation, let's sort out this dog drama. Dorit adopted a dog from Vanderpump Dogs. Lucy Lucy Apple Juicy, the dog's name, bit her children and PK so they then handballed the dog off to another family who then gave the dog to a shelter which alerted LVP of the situation. You would think Dorit had pulled a Casey Anthony by the way everyone was acting. Should she have handed the dog back into Vanderpump Dogs? Absolutely but is it enough for everyone to act like she smothered both her children in a bathtub? Fuck no. Dorit gave her dog away, cool, but LVP is obviously pissed off about the situation and wants to get her back through her traditional, subtle passive-aggressive, behind the scenes manipulation skills.

 

If Lisa REALLY didn't want to talk about Dorit's dog drama, she wouldn't have told her worker to bring the dog into the camera shot three seconds before they started rolling. That's number one. She also wouldn't have made such a big fuss about just seeing the dog with her sad staged tear. If she really didn't want to talk about it she wouldn't have said anything. Plain and simple. That's it, but she brought the dog into the camera shot because she wanted this to be the topic of the season. This is how LVP works, she subtly drops a bomb through a third party and sits back watching it blow up while she can be the funny Brit and make GIF-worthy confessionals. Why else would she tell Dorit that Teddi knew about the dog drama? She's planting seeds like a fucking farmer.  

 

Lisa also passive-aggressively "joked" with Kyle about her not attending her DailyMail TomTom party. First of all, these two women aren't real friends, so there would be no reason for Kyle to attend. Second, it wasn't the actual opening and third, Kyle wasn't fucking invited. So Lisa is mad at Kyle for not attending an event she wasn't invited to. That makes sense. Lisa will think of any way to make someone kiss her ass and I'm so relieved Kyle clapped back COMPLETELY and didn't allow her "friend" to railroad her again. I'm so glad the REAL Kyle is back. The Kyle who says what she thinks and doesn't give a fuck about LVP hitting her back with a passive aggressive joke because who the fuck would be scared of a 70-year-old woman with eight dogs who can't walk? 

 

Vanderpump is a wimp, she can throw her "jokes" around and say whatever she wants about anyone else and just expects them to take it but is so hypersensitive when an ounce of her cuntyness is thrown back in her direction. She's boring and the most interesting thing about Lisa Vanderpump is everyone hating her. The fact that she has made it nine years on this show is bewildering and now that her two sidekicks Teddi and Kyle have teamed up, it's not going to take long for LVP's jealousy to kick in and without Dorit, Teddi or Kyle by her side her entire deck of cards is going to fall because Rinna and Erika couldn't care less about Vanderpump and her dusty muff. Kyle was strong until LVP started breaking down and pulled the "dead brother" card. Seriously, if she's that heartbroken she should've taken the season off because I'm already sick of her using her brother's death to try and explain the same cunty behaviour she had before he died. 

 

Kyle and Teddi are super close and although I like seeing Kyle have an actual genuine friendship on this show and not a forced alliance with Lisa Vandermuff, if these new best friends refer to themselves as Lucy and Ethel I am going to kill myself. Oops, too soon? Teddi Jo Mellencamp has finally come into herself this season, she's at ease, knows exactly what's she doing and doesn't have the nervous twitch in her eyes or the caked on makeup that followed her through season one. Teddi is a natural beauty and there's nothing like season two makeup to show that off. 

 

Ugh. With all the Vanderlump nonsense out of the way, let's focus on the other diamonds of this franchise. Lisa Rinna is a fucking national treasure and she can do nothing wrong. Her energy is amazing, she's ALWAYS on and is the comedic relief this show needs. I can already feel her shit-stirring ways bubbling back up to the surface and I'm fucking ready because nobody does messy better than Lisa mother fucking Rinna. Aside from goat yoga, Rinna also graced us with the addition of Denise Richards. We didn't get a real introduction to Denise beyond what we already know. She's an actress that was married to Charlie Sheen, who coincidentally pulled a Jax Taylor and licked Rinna's toes in a movie. A foot fetish is probably the most normal thing about Charlie. 

 

The incestuous nature of Los Angeles is insane. Kyle Richards dated C Thomas Howell who was best friends with Charlie Sheen. He was married to Denise Richards who is now married to Aaron Phypers. His ex-wife is Nicollette Sheridan who used to be married to Harry Fucking Hamlin, who is now married to Lisa Rinna who got her toes sucked by Charlie. Is this making sense? I feel like we need a flowchart here. Denise is fine and I don't expect any super dramatic behaviour from her, however, I think she'll be the wacky, hilarious side character who becomes the fan favourite amidst all the drama this season. 

 

My highlight of the episode was Dorit talking about her house being robbed, then fleeing to a climb a mountain in Utah while leaving her toddlers in a freshly burglarised home. That's an icon right there. Last year I hated Dorit, I thought she was a cunt with a capital C with no self-awareness and a confused accent and although I still more than believe all of this, I've learned to love her. Dorit really doesn't mean any harm, she's just an idiot who gives us amazing TV. This woman was born to be on reality television and every dumb sentence of hers makes me laugh. Can you imagine climbing a mountain in Utah and running into fucking Dorit? She's hilarious and I never thought I'd say this but I'm #TeamDorit.

 

The meat and potatoes of the episode was Kyle inviting the girls around for a pool party which officially commenced the filming season. Although the producers really built the party up through crafty text message notification editing, nothing really happened. Camille climbed out of the hole she's been hiding in, slathered on some makeup and came along, the morally corrupt Faye Resnick reappeared which is always a welcomed surprise, Dorit still hasn't fixed her wobbly boob situation, Teddi yelled WINNING triggering Denise's PTSD (Post Traumatic Sheen Disorder) and her son stood up to piss in a pool while Erika cheered. Damn, where was this energy when Brandi's son started watering the plants with his weiner? 

 

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs Tuesday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the 90210 ladies

 

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