Shade of the Week: Kristen Doute

February 7, 2019

No one has brought more to this show than Kristen Doute

 

Seeing Kristen be excluded from the TomTom event five minutes before it was set to begin was a gross misstep by LVP, the production company and Bravo and reminded me of the pillar Kristen is to this fucking show. For the last two seasons, the producers have allowed Kristen to fade comfortably into the background when we all know she's turning up to every event, causing a scene and they still aren't using the footage. It's disgraceful and we need her to receive the screen time she deserves. 

 

Out of the 85 cast members on Vanderpump Rules, I literally can't think of one who's given us more material, maybe Jax but his penis did most of the work so it doesn't count. She turned on Stassi in season one, then hated Sandoval for cheating on her even though she had sex with Jax on their couch while he was sleeping on the other side of the wall, which resulted in her getting slapped by Stassi in a truly iconic moment.

 

And that's only limited information of the first two seasons. Kristen "Suck A Dick" Doute also flew in Miami girl to confront Sandoval, told Diana to "Suck A Dick" and got fired from SUR, aggressively stalked her ex-boyfriend for two seasons, dated James Kennedy, fought with him endlessly (we all remember him spitting on her door), fucked him on top of his Beamer (never forget), slapped Jax, threw a drink on Lala when she was aiming for James and pulled Miami girl 2.0 by jumping a fence to get into the SUR back alleyway to confront James with Hope. 

 

I'm going to ask you, who the fuck has brought more than Kristen mother fucking Doute? And those are only the cliff notes, remember when she fought with Ariana on a beach about stand up comedy or used Jax's dick in her own comedy show or (allegedly) ate Brittany out. You guys. She has given us so much content and now she's exiled to the back of the show and it's not good enough. I understand Stassi has been the head bitch in charge from day one, however, why do we need to see so many scenes of her being in love? We get it, she dated assholes and now she's dating someone who actually gives a fuck about her existence, good for her, but I'd rather see Kristen lighting a cigarette out of a candle or throwing drinks on literally anyone. 

 

Can she also go to head to head with LVP soon? Lisa Vandercunt is just that, a cunt. She hates Kristen with a passion, which is strange because without Kristen Doute we probably wouldn't have gotten to this point. So many cast members phone it in season after season, however, Kristen is always ready to go. ALWAYS. Her hatred for James is inspirational and so much more entertaining than seeing Katie bitch about him in her confessionals. Why is Katie still around? Do they think we care? No one has less energy on this show than Katie fucking Maloney, so I'm confused why we are bombarded with TomKat scenes with that horrifying Bubba graffiti painting, while Kristen is somewhere scheming on how to take DJ James Kennedy down. 

 

I don't think people realise how wrong it is that she was disinvited to the TomTom event after she had already wasted time shaving, putting on eyelashes and doing her hair. That is just cruel and to keep a camera crew in her apartment while she ate pasta was truly a devastating moment. Devastating. If you didn't think LVP was a cunt before, you will now. Somebody needs to knock those horse teeth out of her head and tell her what time it is and although the SURvers can't because she's their boss and a hypersensitive pussy, I'm ready for the Beverly Hills ladies to bury the geriatric Brit this season. 

 

Also, why the fuck is Billie Lee starting with Kristen? Obviously, we know she's thirstier than a camel in the desert, however, why Kristen? She claims she walks into SUR and starts problems. Yeah, that's exactly what she does, nobody is arguing that. It's in her job description. If Kristen didn't create conflict whilst in one of Lisa Vanderpump's establishments I'd be worried, however, Billie then waltzing over to her table to literally create a problem out of thin air with Kristen was thirsty, contrived and desperate, much like that wig that sits on her head. A sign Kristen is changing is that she hasn't told anyone to suck a dick in at least three episodes and when she was disinvited from the TomTom opening, she stayed home. In what world would Kristen Doute NOT attend an event she was uninvited from? It's almost unthinkable. 

 

Kristen has been seen more frequentely this season with her quest to take down James Kennedy and her t-shirt line recieiving its own event, however, we need more. Jax and Brittany are stale, Sandoval and Ariana's only interesting development in their entire relationship was Lala munching her pussy in the back seat and Katie is insufferable, Kristen is the secret sauce this show needs and is a constant hot mess express. Judging from the trailer, Kristen drunkenly falls over a coffee table whilst on a girls trip which is something we can all look forward and a GIF I can't wait to use, but the producers really need to give her more respect and not treat her like the Danielle Staub of the franchise. 

 

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