Vanderpump Rules Recap: It's About TomTom

February 5, 2019

After months of controlling all aspects of the restaurant and not even allowing the Toms to look inside TomTom, LVP finally decided to treat them as partners on the day of their first event when she needed help. She’s so transparent we should call her Casper. The only job they’ve had is to make cocktails, which apparently went straight to Pandora anyway, but as soon as Lisa actually needs their help, they’re put to work like dogs. I’ve never been happier a storyline is ending, after two years of their “partnership” and LVP exploiting their names to open her latest WeHo hot spot, things are finally wrapping up. Thank fucking God. 

 

As I previously stated TomTom looks like the inside of a gay clock. I’m not sure how much more there is to this establishment. Just think of a grandfather clock at The Abbey and you have TomTom. Seeing everybody rushing around, complaining about fixing the AC, ordering ice and getting frantic hours before the launch of their new restaurant isn't great TV. We already know they open, they're obviously going to be fine so the 30 minutes of frantic foreplay is just a waste of time. There's really not much more to say. The Toms invited all their friends to the opening, which Lisa was mad about. Why is she acting like this isn't a television show? 

 

Of course, the likes of Stassi Schroeder and Kristen Doute would be invited, because they're 90% of the reason this show became a success and without them sleeping with each other's boyfriends in the early seasons of the show, nobody would care enough to hit up TomTom now. I believe the phrase LVP is looking for is thank you. After Lisa pretended as if she hadn't seen the call sheet for who was attending the opening, she forced the Toms to uninvite literally one person: Kristen Doute. Why is Lisa Vanderpump and her dusty muff continuing this age-old beef? Why? What is one more person attending this party, especially one more CAST member, it's literally her job to show up to these things. 

 

The saddest part of the entire episode was seeing Kristen get ready and get dis-invited over text, then retiring to a night of eating pasta with her dogs, it was the most screentime she received all season. Couldn't they have at least have called her and done it a few hours before she decided to have a shower and put on eyelashes for the night? As sad as it was seeing Kristen being dis-invited, it's really not like Kristen Doute to stay home when she's banned from a venue and this is probably the first time she hasn't shown up somewhere after she was explicitly asked not to. I believe they call that growth? Kristen staying home was easily the most eventful part of the TomTom opening. It was okay but nothing major happened. 

 

LVP got sloshed, Schwartz ran up and down the streets of West Hollywood to get fuzz from the top of chickpea cans and James Kennedy DJed from a closet like the sweaty busboy he is. Of course, Jax wanted to make a "closet" joke but let's not forget what Jax Taylor and/or Jason Cauchi had to do to get his rent paid in Miami. Let's just all be grateful the primary focus of the TomTom storyline is over and we can stop trying to give a fuck about LVP's non-partnership with the Toms anymore. 

 

Apart from the TomTom drama, there wasn't much to work with this week. DJ James Kennedy decided to write Lala's man a letter of apology, which lasted 88 seconds before Raquel's insecurities complained about him getting close with Lala, the person he's really in love with, so James ripped up his sorry excuse of a letter and whispered about the "Fat Man" in his confessionals. See DJ James Kennedy, it's for reasons like these that people think you're a cunt. Literal seconds after Raquel made James stop writing the letter so he wouldn't be friends with someone she didn't like, her dime light of a brain had an idea to go to Girls Night Out, the reason and replacement for James' cancelled CUNT night which launched the Brit into a rage of words. 

 

Everybody can say James spoke to her in a disgusting way, misogyny, feminism, blah blah blah, but what Raquel did was a cunt's act, especially considering James was definitely coming off of a massive pasta binge. She can't parade around telling James to not say sorry for being an asshole because it will make her uncomfortable but then proceed to go to an event that fucked up James' entire bank account. Wow, Little Miss Bambi will really do anything for camera time won't she. Anyone would be mad at their significant other for doing this, so in this one instance everyone can lay off James Kennedy because Raquel wanting to go to Girls Night Out is like Bill Clinton wanting to go to the 2016 Inauguration. I never talk politics, so that was truly a strange comparison. And LVP has FOUR restaurants, are you telling me she can't move James' CUNT night to one of the establishments where Katie Maloney doesn't work on TV? 

 

Lala also invited the girls on a girls trip, which is always nice to see considering none of the girls can stand Scheana. I can't believe I'm saying this but I think I actually felt bad for Scheana Marie Shay. Can you believe it? Yes, she's fucking annoying at the best of times, however, she's obviously trying somehow to break into the Witches of WeHo sisterhood but that is never going to happen. Nobody really likes her and Scheana's only friends seem to be the background Sur players, however, I weirdly hope she can reconnect with her former friends because the only thing worse than Scheana's chuckle after awkwardly sexually harassing a male is Scheana's crying.

 

Jax also turned 39th, which is truly shocking mainly due to all the Botox in his forehead, however, he only received a monotone call from his estranged mother. I'm so confused. Jax apparently got mad at his mother after his father's death because she didn't tell them exactly how sick he was or let them know when he was dying which rightfully caused Jax to get mad, but if this is true, I don't know why the mother would also be mad at him. Wouldn't she be asking for forgiveness or at least having a nice exchange on his birthday? I'm confused and like most of Jax Taylor's stories, there was definitely a missing puzzle piece. Family estrangements are sad but I literally can't talk about Jax for one more second. 

 

This show is good but the only things happening are TomTom, Jax complaining about changing, Scheana vying for screen time and everyone hating James, here are my ideas for acceptable storylines that can refresh the series and yes, most of them involve the cast becoming gay. 

 

My first acceptable storyline is Ariana and Sandoval breaking up and the blonde bartender finally rekindling her back seat pussy munching relationship with Lala Kent, because that's a power couple right there. Instead of just Ariana and Lala in the relationship, they also have Randall to round out the trouple in a very Hugh Hefner situation, however, Rand's primary role is to bankroll his sugar babies lives and provide Lala with the sperm to have a child, which a nanny will raise while Ariana and Lala's main focus is one another's vaginas. 

 

With Ariana moved on, Sandoval and Schwartz can finally become the gay couple they've waited ten years to become. If you don't think the Toms haven't given each other hand after three Coors Light then you're an idiot. As the new leading gay couple of reality TV, Tom and Tom can hire their own surrogate and finally have the twin babies they've wanted for years now by paying with TomTom money.

 

Kristen Doute, the true star of the show can come back into the centre of the action through Gone Girling herself and blaming her murder on James Kennedy when in reality she's really in a Motel 6 three states over. Once Kristen makes her comeback after publically humiliating the DJ, he can enter politics like most reality stars do with the slogan "It's Not About The Pasta, It's About Lowering Taxes." Doesn't it have a ring to it? 

 

Stassi should receive her own Nancy Grace style talk show where she just goes after wife killers and child molesters, which is her true calling, while Scheana becomes the next Bacherlotte and has her own Sonny & Cher style spinoff show with whatever sorry guy becomes her prince charming.

 

With everyone achieving their total potential in life, Jax and Brittany can move to Tampa as Jax Taylor is Tampa in human form, where they can raise a family, Jax will have a back injury which will lead to him becoming addicted to opioids, blowing through their Beer Cheese savings and Brittany saying yes to his idea of becoming swingers so he won't cheat on her if she isn't watching.

 

These Vanderpump kids need to take notes because if 50% of the cast isn't gay and Kristen Doute isn't "missing" by next year, then I won't be happy.

 

Vanderpump Rules airs Monday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the sexiest SURvers in LA!

 

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