Who fucking knew this season would make Below Deck the highest rated show on Bravo? What the fuck is happening to the world? While many of the Housewives franchise went downhill, this nautical series picked up the slack and had everything a Bravoholic looks for in a messy reality show from an unstable third stew, a douchebag bosun, the crew swapping STDs, Captain Lee's numerous penis references, Master mother fucking Pearson and a crew member literally almost dying at sea. What more could you ask for? Captain Lee isn't included in this ranking because he's above all the fuckery of his horny boat crew, however, check out our season six ranking below:
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10. Tyler Rowland
For someone who came in the second half of the season, Tyler had a lot to give and by a lot, I'm just talking about his penis. All we really know about this thrill seeker is that he drove off a cliff when he was a teenager, became a firefighter, works on boats and can stay hard after he cums. Tyler's major and only contribution as a midseason addition to the show was fucking Rhylee into a good mood before pulling her heart out of her chest and pissing on it right in front of her.
9. Adrian Martin
Adrian fucking sucks. The hippie chef tried to be the Buddha of the yacht which would've been fine and respectable, however, his bitchy confessionals and obvious agenda to talk shit about Ashton to Laura in an effort to have sex with the new third stew was obvious and sad. If you're going to be messy, own the mess like you're Lisa Rinna, don't hide your shady antics behind a yoga mat and I think you have everyone fooled. And his weird stonewalling of Caroline and Rhylee after they had one tantrum towards him was just weird. If you're not on reality TV to fight, why the fuck are you there?
8. Josiah Carter
The first male stew was fun, however, in the grand scheme of this season the only thing he contributed was a few bitchy quips as Kate's gay best friend. Holding a speaker playing trap music under Caroline's door was a genius move as well as his overall hatred towards the redheaded crew member nobody wanted, however, there wasn't much more he gave us this season aside from a shit tonne of hair product. Josiah was a solid addition and we'll always remember him overcoming his bullying PTSD by unveiling his (massive) package in that gold speedo.
7. Ross Inia
The New Zealander is in the same category as Josiah. Ross is a genuinely nice human being, however, nice only gets you so far on reality TV. He started the season suffering under the reign of bosun Chandler before taking his job, fighting with Rhylee's Alaskan temper and adding funny commentary to every situation like a true member of the Greek chorus. Ross also opened up about his child and ex-girlfriend he's still in love with, however, the main reason he ranks this high was is for drunkenly making out with Rhylee and yelling at her the next day. Aw, true love.
6. Laura Betancourt
The Canadian who sounds like a valley girl and looks like a slutty goth may have been more annoying than a turkey slap, however, she brought it. Caroline's replacement came in and immediately started fucking and fighting her way around the boat, from telling Kate to check herself after a conversation about Laura's shitty turndowns to having sex with Ashton on the crows' nest, Laura was firing on all cylinders. From her pronunciation of the word "sorry" to her overall attitude, Laura sucked but made for great TV and getting #MeTooed by Adrian was a nice way to end the season.
5. Rhylee Gerber
90% of the fights this season were instigated by Rhylee's Alaskan temper and for that, I am grateful. Rhylee and her fire crotch were made to be on a reality TV because she's down for anything and will get fired up by a single comment in 1.85 seconds. Her tendency to ask follow up questions pissed off the entire deck crew, however, it also must have subconsciously aroused them because Rhylee somehow became the pitstop for Ashton, Ross and Tyler's lips when they were drunk and horny. All in all, Rhylee gave us fucking and fighting and that's all we could ask for.
4. Chandler Brooks
The product of Friends fans is still on my shit list. Chandler fucking sucks and I'm still not over him calling Kate a glorified housekeeper. We've met dozens of assholes over the years on Bravo but Chandler was a straight up cunt. From treating Rhylee like a misogynistic prick, fighting with Kate over ice cream and single-handedly running the deck crew into the ground, Chandler was the worst. As a bosun, he gave his crew zero leadership or direction while he fell asleep and ate frozen dessert. In conclusion, we needed somebody to hate on this show and Chandler, his headscarf and white privileged attitude gave us just that. So thanks, I guess?
3. Kate Chastain
This show wouldn't function without Kate Chastain. The chief stew is literally the motor behind this show and without her resting bitch face, bitchy confessionals and hatred towards her third stews, this show would just be a bunch of unlikeable crew members fucking and fighting. Kate is a pillar and keeps everything centred while all the craziness is going down, however, she also manages to get sucked into the crazy herself which is apart of her charm. This season she mainly passive aggressively fought with Caroline and Laura while Josiah crawled up her ass and laughed at her jokes, but that's the exact energy we need from her. Nobody does "bitchy stew" like Kate Chastain.
2. Caroline Bedol
From the moment this redheaded stew stepped aboard My Seanna we could all see she had more than a few screws loose. Whether she was dragging her fat, infected foot around the boat for days on end, getting a cold, folding laundry or overhearing Kate & Josiah bitching about her, it's no wonder she finally had her own Kelly Bensimon breakdown. This was her Scary Island and her coworkers blaring trap music under her door while taunting her was the perfect end to her unhinged time aboard My Seanna. Although she may or may not have had Munchausen (Yolanda 2.0?), Caroline changed from the girl next door you want to hug to the mental patient you want to shove in a straight jacket and leave in Bellvue.
1. Ashton Pienaar
Would it be a season of Below Deck without a horny, beefy South African? I don't think so. In a season which especially began with little to no sexual tension between the crew, Ashton was picking up all the slack from fucking someone in a van to drunkenly kissing (and fingering?) Rhylee on his way to get ice cream and eventually coupling up with Laura. Six weeks on a yacht would make anybody sexually frustrated, thankfully Ashton was the only one to expose himself to Tahitian STDs and take one for the team. Oh, and he almost drowned after having his foot dragged by the boat, which is the ultimate contribution to this show. How can you beat that?
Do you agree with our ranking? Sound off in the comments below!
Below Deck airs Tuesday at 9/8c on Bravo! Stay tuned at Good Tea for our exclusive tea and shady recaps on the horny boat crew.