The only airtime Scheana Marie Shay has been given all season was for her cringeworthy Bachelor date and having a competing fake orgasm on TV, so it came as a surprise when the producers made the decision to make this a very Scheana heavy hour of television. The main topics covered were the long commute to Marina Del Rey, Lala eating Ariana's pussy in a moving vehicle and Billie Lee continuing to look for her moment that's literally never going to come.
You would think the gang were travelling to Germany from the way they acted about getting on the freeway to head over to Scheana's sad new apartment. Marina Del Rey sounds like good place to live. I don't know and I don't really care because anything is better than the bootleg Kardashian's sad man cave of an apartment she used to call home. Her new place looks like a college dorm room and gives me hives but I guess it's just another space for Scheana to litter with vain self-portraits and Diff Eyewear.
Nobody on this show gives a fuck about Scheana let alone her West Side apartment, so the only people in attendance were the sad background extras at Sur who try to speak loud enough for the boom to pick them up because they aren't important enough to have their own mics. You know who I'm talking about. Billie Lee, the hot barback Scheana is trying to fuck, the Gayasian, Raquel and a few unmemorable faces. Scheana's apartment is reminiscent of her life. Empty and sad while disgusing itself as put together when we all know there is only cheap IKEA furniture and a thirst for fame holding that place up.
Speaking of a thirst for fame, the only reason they showed us Scheana's housewarming party was because of Billie Lee trying (again) to get camera time. Billie Lee and her doe eyes heard Lala utter her name once and RAN into the room to try and seize her moment to claw her way out of the Sur dumpster. They got into it over Billie Lee pulling her trans card and although they started theatrically yelling at each other in front of the "crowd" let's cut through the bullshit. No background girls at Sur were included in the night, trans or not, so Billie Lee wasn't sad she was "left out" she was sad she didn't get tagged in a post to build her clout. She's a forgettable background cast member who probably is getting paid in iTunes vouchers, why would she be tagged?
The only thing Billie Lee wants is attention and if she wasn't going to get it from being tagged in an Instagram post, she was going to get it from labelling the cast as transphobic. She can say all day long that she didn't call them transphobic, but let's use our brains and not our vaginas here. Billie Lee knows exactly what she was doing and if she wants to play the typical reality TV game of being clueless, then let her have it. I'm so fucking over talking about Billie Lee because she's so thirsty it makes my teeth hurt. Can she go? Please? All we know about this girl is that she's transgender, bought her vagina from Thailand and is on a quest to become the token trans girl on Bravo. We don't know her personality and after her recent displays of thirst these last few weeks, I'm not interested in whatever redemption storyline or apology tour she intends to go on to stay on the show.
Apart from Scheana's house warming, we also had to hear her babble on about becoming an actress. Is this her storyline? Really Scheana? I know she's desperate for material but couldn't she think of something more substantial than this? The only thing Scheana would be able to get a role in is a Fatal Attraction remake and even then she'd probably need to tone down the crazy. Along with "relaunching" her "acting career," Scheana is also keeping up her art of awkwardly sexually harassing male suitors while they have to smile in front of the cameras. She's "dating" Adam, the barback, who's using her to get on TV and finally threw her a bone to keep her around and by a bone, I mean his dick.
They fucked. Scheana told all of WeHo about it then acted to be surprised when everyone found out and judging from her performance, I don't see an Oscar in her future. Or even a People's Choice and they practically just give those out. As usual, Scheana decided to rewrite history by saying she liked Adam when she was dating Rob, a technique she also used when she claimed to have liked Rob when dating Shay. Scheana always feels the need to discount her other other relationships like they were nothing and it's like a rat drowning in spoiled milk. Gross and upsetting. Oh, and I get a gay vibe from Mr Barback or should I say bareback? If he isn't fucking his "best friend and roommate" who Scheana's also dating then I have to idea how she managed to pursue two men for months without sex and have them not like to suck dick.
Along with being done with Billie Lee and her predictable wig, I'm also over the "Jax has changed" storyline. A cunt is a cunt, a leopard doesn't change its spots and Jax is still the same asshole he was a year ago but realised life is short and wanted to have kids with the woman next to him which just so happens was Brittany. It could have been his mom and he still would've procreated, that's how desperate he was. Hey, maybe that's why their relationship is strained and why is Jax is Jax. Brittany is a grown girl who knows EXACTLY what she wants by marrying the lead on a reality show. She's made her bed and now she has to fucking lie in it, so I don't wanna hear any bitches questioning the relationship because a girl who's been with Jax for four years has to be just as fucked as he is.
Following the Toms finally seeing TomTom, which looks like the inside of a gay clock, they went out with "the boys" to smoke cigars and degrade women. The boys all spoke about wanting children who I suppose they are going to raise in their sad, dirty apartments (?) and questioned Ariana's desire not to have a human being emerge from her vagina. If a woman doesn't want to have kids, she doesn't fucking need to. You don't need to be married to be in love and it's just a bullshit piece of paper which binds you together through taxes. This far into the relationship if Tom wants kids and Ariana doesn't then why are they still together? They both want what they want and are never going to be able to have an agreement.
It's not like Tom is just going to change her mind because the only thing he could convince someone to do is for Schwartz to suck his dick. Suddenly the conversation about something coming out of Ariana's vagina switched to things going in to her vagina. The boys all started throwing out things about their partner's bicurious pasts when Sandoval decided to tell a tale of when a drunk Lala asked a drunk Ariana to get in the back of a car so she could eat her pussy and then proceeded to "go to town" on said pussy. Was this shitty of Tom to bring up on international TV? 100%. Was it done in a gross smutty way to somehow impress his friends? Without a doubt. Am I eternally grateful I now know this information? FUCK YES. How has one cast member gone down on another while she had a boyfriend and we just don't know about it, this time? This is WILD news and the visual alone is amazing TV.
Sandoval shouldn't have outed her private secret to the world and instead of being mad at him, she should dump his ass and start hooking up with Lala. That's a power couple right there. Two bitches on a mission. And while they're at it, the Toms should finally develop their romance and then Katie can be on her own in the corner because she's just a sad void of sadness crying about being fat while being a size eight. Who cares about Ariana's lesbian hookup? No one. It's normal, it's fine and it only made me want to root for this relationship with Lala. Maybe Randall can employ Ariana as his second wife in a sister wives situation. He'd never have to watch porn again, until he trades them in for younger models. Here's a motto to everyone on the show: if you're ever angry with your significant other just start fucking the same sex because you know it will be better.
I don't care about Katie and Billie making up at the weird roller skating rink, but I do care about Jax running back to Lala like a bitch talking about how James degraded her in front of the boys. First of all, Jax is still a cunt, why is he acting like the second coming of Christ? And they were all degrading women, James just joined in in a fun way to be funny, so if he was being degrading then they all were too. Jax likes to stir shit up to deflect the attention off him and it's just as predictable and sad as Billie Lee's tired wig.
Vanderpump Rules airs Monday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the sexiest SURvers in LA!