Lindsay Lohan's Beach Club Recap: Little Miss Struggle

January 30, 2019

Violence is never the answer unless you're on a reality show and it's a signature plotline. Everyone can act horrified when somebody punches someone on reality TV but without violence on an MTV show, what would we have left? I'm sure there are legal reasons why executives don't like physical violence on television and although it's not a good lesson to teach anyone, can we all agree it's amazing TV? These people aren't curing cancer, they're getting paid to swap spit and fight in front of cameras and that's exactly what they're doing. 

 

Most of these people have officially faded into the background and just show up when Panos is giving everyone a lecture, however, Brent must be happy we got one week off from being the Jax Taylor of the group, a role Jonitta more than willing took over. If Jonitta talks about having to struggle in her life one more time I'm going to jump into ongoing traffic. We get it, your childhood was rough and I'm guessing you wouldn't be punching people on TV if you grew up like the Brady Bunch, however, we don't need to be reminded about your "strong work ethic" every six and half seconds. Jonitta acting hood is hard to sit through and I don't know how much more I can tolerate her acting like she's from a 90s rap music video.

 

The bread and butter of this episode was Pink Hair greeting Jonitta's date (?) before heading into the club and then going about her business. She didn't flirt with him, grind on him or suck his dick in the bathroom, she kissed someone she had previously met before on the cheek and then let Jonitta take over. Either Jonitta has the self-esteem of a washcloth or was just waiting for a reality TV fight to make her relevant on this show. Why would anyone be threatened or annoyed by someone saying hi to their date? Who gives a fuck? In the grand scheme of things that means nothing and Little Miss Struggle should've ignored the situation and had a great night with her date (?) instead of stewing about the greeting and creating a moment for TV. 

 

Once back at the house, Jonitta started picking a fight with Gabi for greeting and kissing her date on the cheek. Even though Jonitta admittedly did not want to fuck him, she started getting loud and puffy over her roommate saying hi. Am I missing something here? I'm sure booze played in a role in this but not as much as clout chasing did. Jonitta was thirsty for a reality TV moment which was probably influenced by tequila and producers, but I'm not buying her being THIS mad at a girl for saying hi to her date. After a discussion which made zero sense, Gabi tapped Jonitta on the leg and Little Miss Struggle responded by slapping her in the face.

 

That's how you slap a girl in Mykonos, bitch!

 

Jonitta got the fight she wanted and instead of everyone rushing to the aid of the one who got punched, everyone rallied around Jonitta and her fist. 

 

I'd be more mad at the boring background "ambassadors" comforting the girl who punched me than I would about the actual altercation. After somebody slapping another person in the face Brent is looking really good. Lindsay's left-hand man Panos saw the fight footage and immediately ran over to Casa Hangover where the fight went down, however, instead of being remorseful, apologising and pleading to stay in Mykonos AKA on this show, Jonitta justified her behaviour by calling her opponent thirsty. It doesn't matter if she touched your thigh, if you punch someone in a face you have to act sorry.

 

As much as it's entertaining and good TV, you have to follow the unspoken rule reality rule of following a fight up with an apology, redemption storyline and maybe even anger management classes. Obviously, this girl doesn't know anything about reality TV because if she did, Jonitta would apologise and not defend her violent behaviour to her boss if she wanted to keep this job. Panos doesn't fuck around and ripped Jonitta a new asshole while she was wearing her "Sorry Not Sorry" shirt. How fitting for this situation. She's not sorry, anyone can see that but she has to take a page out of the LeeAnne Locken handbook if she wants to keep her job on this show. 

 

Also, can Lindsay cut the bullshit about not wanting these people to fight? She's always so horrified about the ambassadors hooking up or fighting with one another but she knows they're the two key ingredients to make this show work. Nobody wants to watch celibate roommates get along for twelve episodes and Lindsay having to play the Lisa Vanderpump boss role of threatening to fire people for fucking and fighting is ridiculous. 

 

Apart from Jonitta's thirsty fight and inability to save her reality TV career, things also got gay. Mike the "bisexual" cast member who nobody believes is bi not only did a shot off of his hot roommate Alex's abs who he also previously hooked up with but also made out with him when they were hot and horny in the club. Cheating is wrong, blah blah blah, but these boys are on a reality show and we need them to fuck. Alex's boyfriend should've dumped him for cancelling their preplanned trip just to be apart of this show, so if he starts fucking his roommates as a result then he has no one to blame but himself. Mike and Alex need to start dicking each other down because I cannot suffer through a "Mike is bi storyline" or a showmance of him trying to make us think he's in love with Jules when we really know he's taping a picture of Alex to the back of her head.

 

Obviously, Alex isn't going to break up with his boyfriend over a drunk kiss but if it happens once, it will happen again. If your boyfriend was on the other side of the world kissing a guy he's already fucked in the past would you be worried? It's just a question. And can't these people masturbate? All they do is complain about being sexually frustrated but why don't they do what every normal person in a relationship does and bang one out when you get an urge. It's called maturity.

 

Lindsay Lohan’s Beach Club airs Tuesday at 8/7c on MTV. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the Lindsay’s Mykonos workers!

 

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