Here we are at the end of this very eventful season. It's been a treat seeing all the fucking, fighting and near death experiences this show has given us over the last 15 episodes, however, this season feels like it started airing in 2008. Chandler's reign of terror, Caroline's fat, infected foot and even Ashton almost drowning at sea feel like faint memories at this point, so even though I'm sad to see this horny boat crew sail away, I'm glad we are getting a break for a while which is exactly the way to feel about a season finale. And let's be real, without Below Deck, our Tuesdays will now be free to see LVP cry while wiping her tears with a Pomeranian.
When an episode begins with the annoying spoiled primary telling Rhylee not to enter her room without her permission when she was being nice by giving her a coffee to heal her wild hangover, you know it's going to be a good. Krystal, the rude rich girl who wrapped herself up in a shame cocoon the night before and is now (allegedly) dating Ross in real time is a cunt with a capital K but if I was a drunk trust fund baby on a luxury boat, I'd be a monster too. Krystal is a budget Paris Hilton and hopefully, she leaks her own sex tape with Ross to stay somewhat relevant in the Bravo universe and give us more to talk about. Can we please get a spinoff because I'm not ready to see her go?
Apart from Kunt Krystal, the next person on everyone's shit list was Adrian. The hippie chef and his yoga mat are more annoying than Laura on her worst day. He's sneaky, bitchy behind the scenes but tries to cover it up by doing meditation and having good vibes. Fuck that. If you're a cunt, own it and give me something to admire, don't have petty squabbles with the other crew members and cut them off because someone raised their voice. For the final dinner, he decided to jump into the ocean and retrieve live sea slugs to decorate the table. First of all, who gives a fuck? Second, those rich bitches aren't even going to notice. And third, nobody wants Adrian on our screen more than he needs to be.
After capturing a gross sea slug that may or may not have ejaculated all over Kate's hand, everybody collectively decided it was disgusting, threw it back into the water and used coral in a fishbowl for the table decorations. The fake yogi found out Kate had abandoned his plan and immediately launched into a shitty mood over table decor. Why does he care, he wasn't even eating at the table and I didn't even notice the bowl of sea crap until he came out to complain about it. If you're going to pick a fight or even a purpose on this show, why would you make it about a horny sea slug? I'm confused. He got pissy and instead of talking it out, he shut down the conversation with Kate and cried in his room. Do I need to elaborate on why I don't like, respect or enjoy this chef?
Along with dying on the "sea slug" hill, Adrian also simultaneously became the Harvey Weinstein of My Seanna. He was MeTooing Laura through bad sex jokes to channel his sexual frustrations while she squirmed and complained about it to anyone that's not him. As gross and annoying as the jokes were, mainly because they weren't funny, Laura should've addressed it with him straight away and shut that shit down instead of awkwardly smiling and bitching about him in the confessionals to make him look like the next #MeToo story. Laura wanted Ashton to come in as her knight in shining armour to confront Adrian but Ashton just let the Valley Girl posing as a Candian handle the situation herself where nothing was resolved. Can you imagine getting hit on by a twelve-year-old twink with a Norman Bates obsession with live sea animals? RED FLAG.
Kate Chastain, like myself, seems to have the philosophy of achieving the most with the least amount of effort and after working with her in close quarters you'd think Adrian would know this instead of asking her to put a gross brown slug in a fish tank in front of guests that will make everyone lose their appetite, if they even notice it at all. In the midst of the cumming slug mishegas, Kate forgot the bitchy, spoilt primary's birthday but quickly turned it around with fireworks, balloons, strimmers and alcohol before all the guests went back into Krystal's room and had yet another made for TV fight. Can we make a Housewives out of whatever city these ladies are from because they scream through walls while having tantrums like the most seasoned of Housewives.
Finally, after the last charter guests disembarked the boat, Captain Lee handed out the final tip which rounded everyone up to $13K overall which seems like a fair amount for all the drama, yelling and almost dying this crew had to put up with. For the last night, everyone went out to whoop it up while Tyler fell asleep at the club like a drunk mess which just reaffirmed to Rhylee she dodged a bullet from falling for this annoying thrill seeker, even if he did fuck her until he ran out of cum.
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Instead of one final rendezvous, Tyler ended his time on My Seanna by falling asleep with his jeans on which is definitely the saddest way to end a night. Who the fuck wants to wake up in jeans? While Tyler and his jeans got some shut-eye, Ashton and Laura had sex, after he covered the camera with his shirt. Um. Are you serious? Tyler and Rhylee didn't shy away from showing us EV-ER-Y-THING, the least these two could've done was gone under the sheets and given us some kind of thirty-second show.
This was my first season watching Below Deck, let alone recapping it and it was definitely the best season to dive in on. The casting was excellent, Kate continued her reign as the snarky chief stew, Ashton nearly died, Caroline had her own Kelly Bensimon Scary Island breakdown aboard the My Seanna and this crew fucked like rabbits in a cornfield. Do rabbits fuck in a cornfield? I don't know but it sounded fun to say. This was a stellar season and I can't wait for the shit show of a reunion.
Below Deck airs Tuesday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the horny boat crew!