When a Housewives episode begins with day drinking, you know it's going to go downhill faster than a fat kid eating cake, in the best way possible. The Jersey gang have never been the biggest partiers as most of the ladies don't whoop it up as we've seen in the other cities which just left Jacqueline Laurita 2.0 to get hammered by herself while everyone sat by and sipped their various wines. If you aren't going to get drunk at a wine tasting then you've done something seriously wrong.
Jennifer came in with a plan for this entire wine tasting trip. She knew all she had really done this season was be a snooty bitch on the Oklahoma trip and set her brother up with a mail order bride, so she needed to get messy and get messy fast to elevate herself in the Housewives game by doing the most with her outstanding feuds with Margaret and Jackie. On the bus, she gave all the girls cheap candles from her Turkey trip, except Marge who's present was lost in the mail with the Turkish mail-order bride, however, she gave Jackie some bullshit Turkish dagger so she could see her stabbing her in the back next time. Damn. Jennifer Aydin came to fucking play and as much as she annoys me, I appreciate it.
Jackie labelled the present passive-aggressive but giving someone an actual weapon is aggressive-aggressive. Has anyone ever given someone a fucking dagger on one of these shows? As much as I love a dramatic gift giving, are we still talking about this fucking article? I don't care. Nobody cares. The article was great and Jen was just paranoid because she buys her kids everything off their Amazon wishlist just because it's Tuesday. After throwing, an actual dagger, back and forth, the two newbies made up and moved on because even they knew nobody gave a fuck about this dumb article in the Bergen Register which eight and a half people read. Oh, Jen also called Jackie's house a dump but I'd much rather live in her modern home with neutral tones than Paramus' biggest marble monstrosity.
The only thing I love more than day drinking is a throwback fat photo, which Jackie also provided us, she is firing on all cylinders and I appreciate. She has the personality of a fat girl in a hot body and fat girls have the best personalities, apart from being blowjob queens. Allegedly. At the vineyard, Jennifer skulled her wine because she knew she needed to start some kind of issue with the Marge, so when the pigtailed powerhouse was detailing Marge Sr's 15-year affair with a married man who wouldn't leave his wife, Jen said she saw a pattern due to Marge's cheating and concluded her thought by saying "So you can't relate to people who have set-up marriages and I can't relate to people who have affairs with married people."
Holy shit. This woman is the bukkake of Housewives, she's hard to swallow, however, she really delivered with this line. Marge is my favourite of this franchise but she threw the first shot with the mail-order bride joke and Jennifer is hitting the ball back by attacking her affair and marriage. Did the Turkish newbie take this way too far? No shit. Is that a requirement of reality TV? 100% Everybody thinks affairs are wrong. Cheating sucks. We get it, so nobody can really disagree with what the Turk is saying, however, as much as I love Bravo's only pigtailed Housewife I'm not on anyone's side because both these women are playing their part in a petty feud and giving us the one-liners we deserve as Housewives fans, and I appreciate it.
All season everybody has said don't talk about children, husbands and now Marge threw in the parent card but who cares. Who cares? These people aren't your real friends, who cares what they say about your family and trash talking each other's family is a cornerstone of Housewives. If you can't attack somebody's marriage what are you going to fight about? Wine glasses? After watching Jennifer go on a tirade all season about Jackie attacking husbands and kids, it was nice to see her back peddle and attack Marge's marriage because you're not really a Housewife until you go back on your core values just to win an argument and have to explain your way around the hypocrisy at the reunion.
Apart from day drinking, we had to endure way too many scenes about Milania's rapping career. Um. I was always taught if you have nothing nice to say don't say anything at all, but I obviously haven't followed that message at all and I don't intend on starting now. Fuck kindness. We heard Milania sing and it sounded like a rusty drain pipe but if her mother wants to make a career out of her talentless daughter than who's to stop her? It was like watching modern day child abuse. I hate tween Milania with the nails, extensions and makeup. Can't we have little Milania back who would deliver better one-liners than any of the Housewives? I understand both her parents have been incarcerated and she's growing up but come on, where's her humour gone? Even New Jersey's own Melissa Gorga, who they brought in as some kind of performing "expert?" couldn't help Milania physically turn around.
Fuck talent. As long as you have audio tune and a mother in desperate need of a storyline, then anyone can become a superstar. Although she walked around for the whole episode with that tween mentality where she calls everything "weird" and lost the ability to smile, she enjoyed herself while performing her new song, and I guess that's all that matters? I guess? But that fucking song has been stuck in my head all day and I'll need an exorcism to get rid of it. The most revealing part of Milania wasn't her new "song," but the texts between her and Joe. Wow. Wow, wow, wow. Unsurprisingly, her literacy skills are much higher than Juicy Joe's fourth-grade reading level but seeing those texts made me truly realise the effect imprisonment has had on the kids. We see them run around in the background but they're the real losers in all of this. They didn't break the law, steal from people and lie to the government. No, their parents did.
For Milania's sake, I hope Juicy Joe doesn't get deported, even though their appeal will have as much of an impact as Gabriella has on their family. Not a whole lot. We always get Milania scenes, Gia sticks her nose in grown folks business where it doesn't belong, Audriana is the baby of the bunch but we never see Gabriella and when we do she's sitting there with a blank look on her pale face planning to become a scholar and write a memoir about her fucked up family. Oh, Fetty Wap also made an appearance which was, rough. I wonder how much Bravo had to fork out for this 30-second walk on, if they paid at all because what else does Fetty Wap have going on? Milania is definitely going to regret doing this song in about four years when she goes to high school and all her friends find the song and tease her about it, but until then, it's a bop.
Apart from Milania's performance, her "listening party" was a battleground for Danielle and Margaret. The prostitution whore told Teresa that the pigtailed Housewife told her not to trust her or Melissa. Being a messy, scheming, lying bitch is apart of Danielle's nature and it seems like her only power play on this show is telling Teresa her friends talk shit behind her back. Last year it was Dolores, now Margaret. Can't Danielle find a new move? Margaret explained she told Danielle not to trust anyone but, of course, the bridezilla twisted everything around and at least Melissa had the sense to see through her tacky scheme. Why is everybody shocked that Danielle would stir up drama or be a horrible human being? This is Danielle Staub, it would be weird if she wasn't pursuing a messy agenda for reality TV purposes.
Her look at the listening party was dark. Words can't describe the horror of her crimped hair or botoxed face which failed to move even when Margaret was yelling at her in a crowd of people, which isn't uncommon in the Housewives universe but it was harder to look at than Danielle on a regular basis. She's a bad smell that just won't fucking die and after a nuclear holocaust, it's just going to be Danielle Staub left running around with cockroaches. Does she think she's a good person or does she know she's garbage because I can't wrap my head around her way of thinking? Does she know she's full of shit or does she believe her own bullshit and does she think others believe that same bullshit? Danielle Staub is horrifying and she may be good TV but that's about the only purpose she serves.
While the ladies fought, the men got into their own beef on the other side of the room after Marty said Marge was threatened because Danielle is the most beautiful woman in any room she walks into. Does Marty need his eyes checked because now I completely understand why this man married her, they're a match made in hell. It's one thing to call a woman ugly, but it's another to claim Danielle's the most beautiful woman in the room. That's just too far. Maybe in Walmart on a Tuesday but if you're going to attack another man's wife's appearance, you can't be married to the Grinch.
After the insult, little Joe B tried to do something (?) to Marty but Joe Gorga had to hold his little friend back, which didn't look hard after he only tried for twenty seconds to actually try to inflict some kind of pain on his wife's coworker's husband before he gave up. Seeing the Jersey husbands fight is hilarious because they're all 5"3 and it's like watching a Little Women reunion where everyone is named Joe.
The Real Housewives of New Jersey airs Wednesday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the craziest ladies in Jersey.