Below Deck Recap: Golden Gays

January 16, 2019

Just when I thought this show couldn't possibly deliver anymore, we saw Tyler laying on his bed fresh from a marathon sex session with Rhylee less than a minute into the episode. We don't deserve the excellence that is Below Deck, these boat workers are giving it their all and don't give a fuck if there's a camera in their room 24/7, they'll still fuck endlessly and lay in bed stark naked.

 

Unfortunately, we haven't really seen any diva guests on this season, everybody has been polite and patient even when Caroline was making toddlers bleed and Chandler was dropping guests but thankfully that all changed when a boatload of gays walked aboard My Seanna. If people think the Housewives are high maintenance and dramatic, they need to start looking at their gay stylists and sidekicks because a queen knows how to bring the drama when it's needed. Just as you'd think, the seven guests all had an amazing bodies, shouted "yassss" more times than they breathed and were all passed out drunk before dinner was served. It was literally a boat full of Erika Jayne background dancers. 

 

The arrival of the gays irked Josiah who got flashbacks to getting bullied when he first came out because he wasn't as fit and stylish as the gay community wanted him to be. Gay on gay crime is real and as inclusive as the gay community can be, it's also like Mean Girls on crack with everybody judging your clothes, appearance and overall personality, it's rough and we have all been Josiah in one way or another in this situation. For most of this season, Josiah has just been Kate's funny gay sidekick, so it was good to explore him and his past more. 

 

Although there was an overload of dicks onboard, Laura and Rhylee still had time for girl talk. The Canadian was still pissed at Ashton for dancing with other girls the night before while Rhylee and her sore pussy were recovering from the endless sex she had the night before because Tyler stays hard even after he comes. Staying hard and not going to sleep the minute after you spill your spunk is a talent and I commend (and also admire?) Tyler for being able to keep his stamina up. Until now Tyler just seemed like an annoying, underwhelming cast member but now that we know his little secret it's a whole lot more promising. He needs to start giving it to Kate next so she has a peaceful place to go when dinner service becomes too much.

 

From start to finish the gays were more than a lot, they spent the entire day showing off their abs and then complained about Adrian's light serving of food for lunch, even though that was what they asked for, so after they choked down the prawns he made them, they all went for a swim in the ocean while he whipped up some steak. For a group of gays with amazing bodies, I really didn't think they'd care this much about food, but maybe they all had a finger for dessert to even it out. Finally, after they complained for ages about the steak, it arrived but one sent it back to the kitchen because it was well done. Ugh. I understand everybody likes their steak the way they like it, the bloodier the better for me, but after already waiting ages for their meat why would he want to wait even longer? Just choke it down and shut the fuck up. 

 

Following lunch, most of the guests passed out in various spots all over the boat because their bodies were 90% tequila by 7 o'clock. Josiah found one of them on a toilet, which was a rough but also highly relatable moment because we've all fallen asleep somewhere when we were drunk but judging from his eyes when he awoke from his slumber on the toilet, he was definitely on a lot more than tequila. I guess somebody couldn't say no to some Tahitian ecstasy. Once again, they complained about waiting for dinner and shat on the dessert, but these people were so drunk wouldn't they be happy to have anything to eat while they sat there in their gold attire to honour their themed "Gold Party." Say what you want about these guests but they love a theme even if the party just consisted of somebody sleeping on a toilet and everybody waiting to eat while wearing gold tights. 

 

The guests also asked Josiah to wear a very tight golden speedo and this is the one thing I have to call bullshit on this season. Josiah is cute but if these gay men wanted anybody to dress up it would've been Ashton and his pornstar body, so the producers obviously asked them to pick the second stew to boost his self-esteem and force him to address his bullying past, however, all the gold speedo did was address the fact that Josiah has a massive dick. Huge. Between hearing about Tyler's ability to stay hard after sex, seeing Josiah's huge package and the boatload of gay men, this episode was very cock-centric. In the end, the guests loved seeing Josiah's huge dick through the golden speedo and he went to bed with a little boost in his self-esteem, which is unusual on reality TV.

 

The next morning, the gays woke up hungover but kept the party going with shots and jet ski rides but after two of them fell off, the jet ski went rogue at 90 miles an hour. There's nothing that scares me more than a rogue jet ski and a hangnail. This episode was entertaining but there really wasn't too much to discuss, Rhylee's pussy was in pain and the gay guests spending the whole day bitching and complaining while Josiah sat there getting PTSD flashbacks. 

 

Below Deck airs Tuesday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the horny boat crew!

 

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