Shade of the Week: Lindsay Lohan's Beach Club

January 10, 2019

A star is reborn. 

 

After watching Lindsay Lohan's life go up on down through the tabloids and become one of the biggest icons in pop culture of our generation, it's like we've already been watching a reality show of her for the last twenty years and now it's finally time for her to become the writer of her own story instead of letting bitchy gossip blogs (like this one) write it for her. 

 

Having Lindsay create her own Vanderpump Rules and play the boss bitch role of Lisa Vanderpump is genius. The only thing better than Vanderpump Rules is Vanderpump Rules with Lindsay mother fucking Lohan. She's smarter, wiser and more self-aware than she was when she was drinking driving around LA in her twenties. She was truly an IT GIRL with dozens of blockbuster movies and more money than god but bad choices, paparazzi and cocaine fucked up everything for the resident redhead, so it's good to see her take some time away, grow up and finally come back with a new way to make some money, promote her business and get back into the spotlight on her own terms. 

 

The show its self was great. It's essentially about the "VIP Hosts" of her Mykonos beach club who get drunk, fuck each other and do everything that requires a reality show to be a success. The first episode was a little lukewarm, but everybody can't be swapping STDs and throwing drinks at each other in the first episode, we have to wait at least until about three in. The talent, if you can call them that, are bratty, selfish, entitled and want us all to think their shit doesn't stink, but rewind to season one of VPR and they were all exactly the same way. It takes a few scandals, botox injections and run-ins with the law to humble yourself. Just ask Lindsay. 

 

The trailer for the season looks INSANE and all they need is Dina Lohan to make an appearance to really give me everything I need, but that goes for anything. I just want to start by saying how brave it is of Lindsay to open a beach club in the Mykonos sun as a redhead. She would be getting fried in the sun 24/7 a week and combined with her partying since she was twelve it's no wonder she looks like she's pushing 45. Don't get me wrong, there's sometimes when Lindsay looks great which is definitely the result of a good night's sleep and great makeup artists but there are other times she looks like a raisin that was left in the sun too long. And her colourful eye makeup with rhinestones was rough. Is she sober because vodka and/or cocaine would definitely explain that fashion choice? 

 

I know Lindsay repeatedly said she doesn't party anymore and only oversees her clubs but is she sober? She's an admitted addict and it would make sense for her to put the bottle away but we need confirmation. The most touching scene of the night was Lindsay talking about being hit on the beach by her ex-boyfriend and then buying said beach to make everyone feel safe. What a fucking boss bitch move, if that's not BDE I don't know what is. She also cried about her mother Dina seeing the beach club when it was first set up and even after leaving the spotlight I think Lindsay still feels she has to be the breadwinner and support her family no matter what which is an endearing factor about her.

 

Let's get to the cast. Apart from Lindsay's ever-changing accent and her constantly repeating the word brand without knowing what it means, the main part of this show are the Americans flown into work for Lohan Beach Club, most of them only said two words in this episode but let me break them down for you. I included visual aids because I don't expect any of you to actually remember these people's names.

Mike is the "bi" one who's very over the top and very gay. He's likeable and probably the voice of reason among this fucked up group because the queer ones always manage to fall into that role, but I need to see him start fucking everybody in the house and wreck some LBGT havoc.

Jules is the blonde, down to earth model who wants us all to know she eats. She reminds me of Ariana from Vanderpump Rules with her no-nonsense attitude and I wouldn't be surprised if she coupled up with one of the guys and became the Ronnie and Sam of this show. 

Brent is the douche. Think of him as the Jax Taylor if you will, who came in with Danielle Staub's infamous quote "You're either going to love me or hate me." Anyone who says that is the town douche. He was bullied in high school and is making up for it by objectifying women, fucking anything with a hole and being a dick on a reality show. His first day of work consisted of fucking a rich client and then bragging about it after. His face and overall attitude annoys me but we need someone to hate on these shows. Name a more iconic duo than a narcissist and reality TV? I'll wait.

Sara is from Pakistan originally and is stunning. She's probably going to fuck Brent at least once through the duration of this show, which only makes her more interesting and who wasn't dated a scumbag in their twenties? She started fighting with another cast member who looks exactly like her because she didn't ask a waitress about water? The fight didn't make sense but if you can make somebody cry on their first day of work then you're made to be on reality TV.

Aristotle is the hot Greek guy who worked in a gay bar shirtless for a week and thinks he's an ally. He's relatable and hot which is always nice. Aristotle has a nerdy quality which I love because what's better than a nerd in a hunk's body?

Billy has some kind of colour in his DNA, so it ticks the diversity box but that's all we got out of him, he's definitely the Michelle Williams in this situation but we need quiet background people, not everyone can be a star.

There's also May, who is the girl Sara picked a fight with and looks almost exactly like her. If you're going to cry when someone asked you to check something then you're obviously not cut out for reality TV. She's pretty though and at least her crying scene made us see Lindsay doesn't know any of these people's names. 

Jonitta is the black one who struggled her entire life and didn't have a problem reminding us. She started fighting with Brent for being a dick, so that gives her points and was praised by Lindsay before the final cast member, a blue-haired THOT by the name of Gabi stepped in to act like an asshole.

 

Within minutes of arriving in their Greek villa, everybody got drunk and started drinking in the pool when Lindsay gave them a surprise visit and wasn't pleased with her blue-haired employee meeting her in a bra for the first time or that everybody was drunk. To be fair, Lindsay did surprise them and what the fuck did she expect? Did she want them to be sober for six weeks because nobody wants to watch that? The more they fuck up the better the ratings, surely Lindsay of all people knows that.

Gabi kept interpreting and talking about being smart while she sat there in a wet bra. As her name suggests she doesn't know when to shut the fuck up and Lindsay determined she was thirsty within 30 seconds of meeting her before walking out in a puff of cigarette smoke. Gabi is the drunk hot mess we need, who plays the victim about being the only black girl in the group with a black girl sitting right next to her. Iconic. I love a hot mess with no self awareness and let's hope she keeps it up.

 

Seeing LiLo read her employee after five minutes truly explains why she's cut out for this job. Lindsay is quick and although everybody thinks she's a confused washed-up actress, she knows exactly what she's doing.

 

Oh, and then there's Lindsay's left-hand man Panos, who is almost too gay to function and I am more than here for it. We need a sassy know it all who can keep everybody in check and give us good bitchy commentary in his confessionals. He may need subtitles when he speaks too fast but Panos is here to give us what we need. 

 

Apart from our introductions to the cast members and the entire show, there wasn't much else apart from lots of slow motion booty shots, Panos judging the employees from afar and the blue-haired THOT transitioning to a pink-haired THOT, which really did suit her better but did she dye her hair with paint? It was a solid beginning for this series and after looking at the trailer there's more than enough sex, drinking and fights to fuel this reality show, which just needs lots of LiLo appearances and (let's pray) a Dina Lohan cameo and we are all set. 

 

That's how you start a reality show in Mykonos, bitch!

 

Tuesday nights are PACKED with Below Deck, RHOBH returning in February and now this, so if you want me to continue writing recaps for Lindsay Lohan's Beach Club comment below and let me know!​

 

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