RHONJ Recap: Turkish Delight

January 10, 2019

Jennifer is off to Turkey and my brain is off to sleep. I'm all for travelling on a Housewives show but if this woman says culture or tradition one more time I'm going to jump into ongoing traffic. It's enough and seeing her travel all the way to Turkey just to see her brother get engaged is exhausting. I felt like I was watching an episode of Shahs with all the Middle Eastern subtitles and if this over the top celebration was just the engagement then what the fuck is the wedding going to be like? Couldn't they have knocked out the wedding in the same trip to speed up the process? 

 

Her brother is marrying some Turkish girl called Melda because they both want to get married and have children and couldn't find anyone better to do it with. Do I think they will live happily ever after? No. Will they stay together with three children as she gets to move to America? Fuck yes. Arranged marriages or set up marriages is in the Turkish culture and although I'd prefer to find somebody through my own ways, you know Tinder or something, I'm not going to knock their culture because of my different viewpoint, however, this episode was way too Jennifer heavy. And I guess she owes her daughter about five Hello Dream Houses for this international trip.

 

Speaking of knocking somebody else's culture, when The Marge heard the news of Jennifer setting her brother up with a Turkish bride she said it seemed like a last ditch effort because they haven't had sex and that she's a mail-order bride with expired milk. Was it shitty of Margaret to say that? I guess. Is this a reality show and a requirement of that is shit talking your costars? Abso-fucking-lutely. And Margaret isn't exactly wrong, this Melda girl essentially is a mail order bride, they just happened to have met her once before and who the fuck would ever get married without having sex first? You can't make yourself have chemistry with someone and if you don't have that intimate connection between someone then you're fucked. 

 

Margaret is a very modern woman and I agree with everything she's saying, the situation is weird, nobody gets engaged after not even knowing someone for two weeks or without testing out the goods before hand and although I'm waving the #TeamPigtails flag all day, she should respect their culture to some degree because once you start talking about someone's traditions and values, especially someone from a Middle Eastern background it just gets messy, but that's exactly what we need on this show. FYI, I was thinking she was a mail-order bride right before Margaret said it and she LITERALLY read my mind. Teresa then crawled back and told Jennifer what was said. If Teresa was talking shit and somebody carried the bone back to the person we would've seen a seven-episode storyline of her screaming about loyalty, but I guess she can be messy when it benefits her. 

 

This brings Jennifer's total beefs in the group to two as she's already fighting with Jackie about that stupid parenting article. How many times can they read this article before everybody sees it isn't rude? She was complimenting Jennifer's spoilt children. Yes, those kids are spoilt, Stevie Wonder could see that, but Jackie was saying they turned out okay (which is debatable) but the entire basis of the article was coming from a great place, Jennifer is just paranoid about her own parenting style and looking for a storyline. Even her husband, Fat Jafar, said it was a great article. The only way Jackie fucked up was by not telling her the article was coming out, because it's a little awkward to go to somebody's house and then just have an article about their children appear, she definitely could've gotten ahead of the game but then we wouldn't have a new feud to bitch about would we? 

 

Speaking of Jackie, she and Teresa made up. That's all I really have to say. I don't think either is really sorry or give a fuck about the situation but their beef got stale and they need to move on for the sake of the group. Jackie didn't attack her husband, she used a fucking analogy which Teresa was too thick to understand, but what's new? What is up with these bitches fighting over analogies? First HitlerGate and now this? Why are the women on this show so hot-headed and dumb that they don't understand the purpose of a fucking analogy? And Jackie needs to stop bringing up her families own IRS trouble because it doesn't make sense or really have anything to do with her talking about Teresa controlling her husband. 

 

In other news, Joe Gorga sucks. He's one of the hottest House Husbands and is great comedic relief but he can be a real asshole when he wants to be. Seeing him disparage Melissa's career in front of their young daughter Antonia who has Melissa's old nose was horrible and completely invalidates everything Melissa has been trying to show her daughter. Being a woman growing up in a traditional household is rough and having your own dad shit on something you want to do just because it doesn't make as much money as what he does it really gross. The entire scene irked me and I don't know why Joe feels the need to pull this old school shit on camera but it's getting really old and couldn't they celebrate the kid Teresa didn't acknowledge birthday in peace? 

 

When did this entire show become about traditional vs modern values? Did I miss the memo on that? Only in Jersey would people's values become the cornerstone of all the shows storylines. We have Teresa, Dolores and Jennifer on one side with old school, outdated values and Melissa, Margaret and Jackie on the other who are burning bras and fighting for equality. They really aren't going that far and are just saying you should have sex before marriage and women can't control their husbands but compared to the other three they seem like Gloria Steinem. Obviously, I'm on the latter's team because I can't wrap my head around those traditional values of standing behind your husband and shutting the fuck up. Yes, some women love it but in 2018 it just seems submissive, demeaning and outdated to all women, I thought Dolores would be a modern woman after everything she's been through but she was raised the same as Teresa and Joe. 

 

As for Danielle who didn't even get featured in the episode, her moral and political values go whichever way the wind blows. She could be as liberal as they come but if Teresa is #TeamTradition then so will Danielle Staub, her only real alliance on this show is her table flipping pal Teresa and she needs to keep it if she wants to continue cashing Bravo checks because she and Margaret are never, ever getting back together. I don't actually know what Margaret did to Danielle. The Prostitution Whore was a raging bridezilla asshole but I'm not sure what Margaret did in their beef to warrant so much hatred. She didn't want to take those dumb Bride Squad photos? I'm confused but professional victim Danielle will go along to get along. 

 

Margaret shared texts with the other girls of her telling Danielle she'll never speak to her again after the disgusting way she treated her, however, after looking at the flash of texts the producers quickly put up on the screen, their issues have nothing to do with the onscreen drama we saw but ALL about the behind the scenes nonsense, which is normally where the realest shit goes down but they can't show us. According to the texts, Danielle bitched to the hair and makeup people in Bimini (Priscilla and Julius) saying Margaret told her not to trust them.

 

She also said Dorothy (the show's producer) can prove she never told her about "Us Weekly" which I assume has something to do with Danielle's wedding photos. So they are really fighting over Danielle talking shit about Marge to hair and makeup and Us Weekly. That makes way more sense and makes you question what else they are leaving out. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I'm surprised how Margaret, Melissa and Teresa are all acting surprised that Danielle Staub would act this way. This is who this woman is. She's a monster and if she wasn't screaming at people for attention, then I'd be concerned. Margaret definitely deserves a better friend than the likes of this Prostitution Whore and this is one friendship I don't want to see reconciled for reality TV purposes and it is SUCH a Danielle move to be sneaky behind the scenes, especially to hair and makeup who are essentially the backbone of the entire Housewives franchise. 

 

That's all my notes on the episode but Dolores' charity event was cute, it felt very vintage Housewives and I really want/need Teresa to fuck at least one of the Franks. I don't care which one but Juicy Joe is away and now with the Italy deportation there's no way he's coming back, so she needs to be getting her dick from somewhere and she may as well keep it in this circle. 

 

The Real Housewives of New Jersey airs Wednesday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the craziest ladies in Jersey.

 

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