Vanderpump Rules Recap: Sisterhood Of The Forearm Tattoos

December 17, 2018

We began in the middle of James Kennedy's pasta fuelled rage and there's nothing more glorious and at the same time disturbing, than a twink wigging out during a pasta binge. With the White Kanye it's always about the pasta and for anybody confused I'm not talking about fettuccine but about Colombian's gift that keeps on giving. Booger sugar has been a massive trend in the Bravo universe lately from being mentioned on OC, New Jersey and Dallas Housewives and the upcoming Married To Medicine reunion, so I think it's safe to predict that about 70% of Bravolebrities are in for a white Christmas. 

 

While there was a collective uproar at Sur over James being a cheating asshole, Scheana, the dumb bitch that she is, defended James saying that Hope is a liar. Um. Why would anyone make up that they had James Kennedy inside them? That's not something to boast or brag about and if someone wants to come forward in front of the world and admit such a heinous act then we have to believe it. Scheana flip-flops and always tries to remain on everyone's good side but she needs to stick in one lane and have an opinion that lasts more than 30 seconds because she is so redundant on the show right now, all she has to work with is everybody hating her and somehow she's not even getting airtime from doing that. 

 

According to Hope, she has been sleeping with James for three years even though he was dating Raquel, who she knew about and was friends with. It's not like she had no idea who Raquel was, she knew them as a couple and fucked him while on a trip with both of them so she doesn't have an excuse for being a whore. James is a sexist cheating asshole but Hope is a whore for fucking her friend's boyfriend and then blasting it for five minutes on television. Congratulations, you served your purpose in the takedown of James Kennedy but now every girl in a ten-mile radius of WeHo will know you can't be trusted to be around anyone with a penis. Raquel claimed not to believe it but James is her meal ticket and there's no way known she'll break up with him. She may be dumb as rocks but at least she definitely knows how to climb the ranks of reality TV by dating a loser everybody hates. 

 

White Kanye's pride rampage continued as he started being a dick to Jax and saying Stassi has a dildo up her ass while that random gay Asian who works at Sur followed him around like a puppy. The side characters on this show are so stupid and redundant but it wouldn't be nearly as entertaining without seeing people like the Gasian, Ariana's brother, Billie Lee, Hope, the barback Adam and countless nameless others staring off into the distance trying to get their head into the shot while an actual cast member is fighting on screen. Peter, who looks like the pirate Countess Luann fucked with the voice of Fozzie Bear had to disinvite James to his joint birthday party with Carter due to his asshole behaviour at pride, which is fair enough because James is friends with like 0.6 people on this show. 

 

Between all the James Kennedy shit talking, Teddi managed to sneak up on us and have her own little cameo on the show by asking LVP to hire her brother at Sur and talk about Lisa's recently deceased brother. Considering her dead brother is the story she's going with as to why she ditched half the season of Beverly Hills Housewives this was an extremely juicy scene because her and "Teddi Bear's" friendship is no more. It was great seeing Teddi, of course, she didn't do much which is expected because she is, well, Teddi, but I love seeing a familiar Housewives face. During the timing of taping, Teddi was still drinking the LVP kool-aid which I imagine tasting like rosé and stale pussy. Thank fuck we are going to get woke Teddi on the new RHOBH season because a second season makes or breaks a Housewife. 

 

During the joint birthday of two background characters, Carter and Peter, Scheana brought the hot barback Adam as her date and got roasted by Stassi for being a flip-flopping bootleg Kardashian. There is nothing better than a Stassi-Scheana interaction because the death enthusiast never lacks the material or energy to roast her arch enemy and Scheana can never keep up with her. Scheana also had to watch as Stassi and Ariana started becoming friends and a little part of her soul crumbled as she saw them interacting. 

 

Scheana sucks and I don't know how many languages I can say that in until it sinks in. Nobody likes her on this show, not even Ariana cared enough to try and pretend like she wanted her at the girls night. Scheana has one friend, Scheana and any of the background characters mentioned above who need someone to hang out with to make them even the smallest bit relevant. Scheana Marie Azusa Shay was at one time towards the very top of the Sur totem pole, especially when Stassi was out of the picture, but now she's falen back down to the bottom with Kristen as Lala has become the new fan favourite and Jax and Brittany somehow became the couple everybody's rooting for. What the fuck has this world come to and where was Lala in this episode? Did she just take the week off?

 

Jax and Brittany also decided to start their own beer cheese company which grosses me out in every way possible. This is another product that will probably go the way of Sonja's toaster ovens and anything Craig Conover has ever attempted to do but they do need a storyline besides getting engaged. There's also no way Jax begged for his job back at Sur because he "needs the money." I'm sure he makes more than a decent amount through filming the show and posting Diff eyewear on Instagram that he doesn't need to resort to begging LVP to put him back on the Sur roster so he can work for tips and minimum wage. It's just not happening and I'm done with the fake Sur-eccentric storylines like Katie saying it's either her or James who can remain working at Sur. We all know Katie has one shift a week during filming and doesn't spend her time serving chicken and pumptinis during the offseason, so her threatening to quit is bullshit. 

 

James really does DJ there and obviously needs the money, so this dumb ultimatum is all for storyline purposes but nobody can call her out because they aren't allowed to break the fourth wall of bullshit. Katie is married and wants to have children in the somewhat near future, does she really need to continue being a waitress just to uphold her role on a reality show? Plenty of the cast members don't actually work there and it's time for Katie to move the fuck on. Obviously, I don't like James but threatening to quit a place where you don't work just to fuck with him isn't believable TV. Katie needs to quit and James only needs to show up to his weekly CUNT night gig. 

 

Jax also questioned how Raquel could continue to stay with someone that everybody hates. Um. Does he not have the memory of a year ago? Jax was James Kennedy last year but 50 times worse and if his dad didn't die he'd still probably be in the same boat, now that Jax is no longer an asshole the focus is shifted back to James who's douchebaggery was hidden in the shadows of Jax's disgusting behaviour and attitude last year.

 

Due to Brittany "caring" about Raquel and doing what the producers instructed her to do, she invited her to the girls night basically so everybody could confront her about her disgusting boyfriend and somehow convince her to break up with him. Wow, Raquel literally got an invite to girls night over Scheana. That's really got to burn the bootleg Kardashian and her latest face. When she walked in the Witches of WeHo went to the "bathroom" which is code for talking shit about Raquel at the bar. The girls on this show are literally the Sisterhood of the Matching Forearm Tattoos and unless Raquel wants to get some ink she doesn't fit in. I'm pretty sure Stassi is the only person with a vagina on this show who is without a forearm tattoo but it would go against her basic bitch brand. 

 

There's no point of anyone talking to Raquel because she's going to stay with James no matter what. It doesn't matter if he cheats on her or treats her like shit because she wants to be famous and now that she achieved her own confessionals she can't go back to being a background Sur character. She's in it to win it and that means date an asshole America hates and play the role of a dumb bitch in order to stay on the show. Raquel definitely loves reality TV more than James Kennedy but can you blame her? She has to have sex with the drunk twink, so she might as well get some kind of reward. In order to defend her relationship and justify why she's still with him without saying she wants to be famous, she used Brittany's tired excuses of "you don't see the guy I get to see."

 

She's literally following the same route of the resident Kentucky muffin by staying with an asshole for fame and garnering sympathy from the girls by being the nice girl who's stuck with such a terrible human being. Let's just hope we don't see a James and Raquel engagement. A James and Logan engagement, however, would be sometime I'd tune in for. 

 

Vanderpump Rules airs Monday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the sexiest SURvers in LA!

 

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