I don't know how much more of boring ATL drama I can tolerate anymore. Enough is enough. We are seven episodes into the new season and the only things to transpire are Kandi being messy about Porsha's mumbling baby daddy, Eva shading people then lying about it and Calamari walking around with a dead ferret on her head. This show is spiralling downhill fast and when I spend the majority of the episode scrolling through Instagram, you know they need Kenya.
Although NeNe and Gregg originally planned a couples trip to Destin, all the men started dropping out for various reasons from Mike Hill being in LA, Todd going on another trip and Dennis even wearing a fake leg brace to get out of going. Everyone can have their own made up excuses why they didn't want to attend but let's be real, no grown man wants to go away with other couples with a camera in his face for three days where they'll have to intensely discuss their relationship in front of a room of people they've met twice. They aren't friends, their co-workers and the men aren't getting paid to be around each other, so there's no reason for any of them to want to go. Except for poor Gregg who planned the trip and then couldn't actually go when everybody with a penis flaked.
First cancer and now he can't even have his couples trip, it's been a rough year but at least he got a few nights without NeNe because when you've been married for twenty years, a night alone in a king bed is better than a wet dream.
Before the peaches went on their girls trip, we had to sit through an insufferable scene of Porsha and her hot dog king of a boyfriend. I'm more exhausted than LeeAnne Locken's weave and panty liner whenever there's a Porsha and Dennis scene. For some reason, she had to work at the hot dog shop which was only for storyline purposes. There's no reason or need for Porsha to make hotdogs in the back of her boyfriend's shop. They aren't low on staff, she doesn't need the money and it doesn't make sense. The entire scene was for TV which basically describes Porsha's presence on the show. His mother was also there working like a sweaty teenager making hot dogs for a minimum wage check.
Porsha decided she wouldn't tell anybody about her pregnancy because it's very early stages but opted to announce it on camera last week. That makes sense. Just tell everybody and get it over with because I can't be bothered with her trying to hide it for a storyline.
Marlo and Tanya are my favourite members on the show and they're not even holding peaches. During the bus ride to Destin, the ladies played truth or dare to pass the time and give us something to watch. Eva had to suck Calamari's fingers and who knows where the fuck those digits have been, the "model" also had to call her fiance on speaker phone and talk dirty, which was possibly the saddest thing I've ever seen and that includes that thing Calamari considers hair. Eva's dirty talk was like she was a doctor describing how to perform surgery, she sucks at dirty talk more than she sucks at being a Housewife and that is already a very low bar. She deep throated a bitch's fingers on the bus but she couldn't spice it up with her man on the phone? I'm bored.
Thankfully, Kandi and her inner freak taught everybody how it is done and called Todd to get her dirty talk on. She started saying she loves it when he eats her from behind and first of all, who doesn't, and second of all, this is how it's fucking done. Trust and believe the cast member who sells dildos and vibrators for a living knows how to talk to her man. Kandi is a freak and probably gets fucked upside down, the right way up, in a swing and everything in between. There's nothing I love more than a freak, especially one who has the balls to talk about it on TV, few people love things as much as Kandi loves sex and I appreciate that. Take notes Eva because if you aren't saying you love being eaten from behind then you're a basic bitch.
Kandi talked about the Dennis bullshit which I don't even care to dissect. Porsha said she was in a serious relationship with Dennis for six months then backtracked when Kandi brought up how they were both dating different people in May. Porsha's a liar and she'll flip-flop in every situation. She's boring, tired and I am so fucking sick of hearing about Dennis. She wants a prince charming and a storyline so it doesn't matter if he's got another bitch's name tattooed on his dick because she's staying no matter what.
Once they arrived at the house NeNe made everybody pick their rooms through the most stupid and dragged out room picking method we've ever seen. Everybody had to pick a number and then in order of their numbers they then had to pick someone's name and pick the room for that person. Just pick the rooms out of a bowl and call it a fucking day. Of course, everybody played nice and gave each other nice rooms, which all looked exactly the same, except for Marlo who had the balls to be messy and give Tanya the bunk bedroom. Thank fuck for Marlo because she's the only one willing to do anything on this show.
We need a villain and without Kenya or Phaedra around, Marlo being the messy friend in the background is the best we're going to get. Every single bedroom except one looked exactly the same, so I'm so sick of this constant room bullshit. They are literally there two nights, all they are doing is sleeping in their rooms so the diva antics are all for show.
Following the tired bedroom picking, everybody sat down for dinner while Marlo kept saying Eva was boring, bland and had no character. Thank fuck somebody is saying it because Eva, her orange hair and bohemian rags need somebody to keep her in her place before she tries to throw shade and then flip-flops when confronted about it. Everyone confronted her about having a bachelorette trip in Miami without inviting anyone on the cast, especially her "big sister" NeNe who's speaking at her wedding. She claimed it was a surprise trip even though she had invited Porsha in advance.
Does Eva seriously not understand the meaning of a surprise? If you planned a trip to Miami then that's not a surprise and if Porsha got an invite, NeNe definitely should've received one too. The reason no one was invited is due to the fact that they aren't friends. This is Eva's job, not her group of girlfriends. Nobody would invite their coworkers on a girls trip and that's exactly what Eva did. If they aren't in front of cameras getting paid to hang out, the "sisterhood" in this group magically disappears.
After Eva backpeddled more than a U-haul truck, Shamari decided to step in to try and receive somewhat of a peach but until she started speaking up I literally forgot she was even there. She was mad at Porsha for (not) saying she needs a stylist and not hugging her at NeNe's dinner. Is this really what we are working with? I understand we need something to happen and Shamari is trying to work with anything to justify her position on the show but beefing with someone over a shady comment they never said and being rude during on interaction is no reason to stir shit up. I'm done with all these stupid Housewives feuds with the new girls which revolve around someone not being polite. It's dumb and boring and when there's a discussion about someone not hugging another person, you know this show is bad.
And why are we still talking about Shamari needing a makeover? She does and even after her gay friend came over to give her fashions for the trip, she still looked raggedy. Calamari needs to throw out her flat, dead wigs and start upping her game, I appreciate her new confessional look which was obviously done with the help of a glam squad and was the first time she finally looked like she somewhat belonged on this show. I don't care for Calamari and I really can't find a fuck to give about anything she's saying. Someone shaded you a month ago while playing a shady game, get over it and the real culprit wasn't Porsha but Eva who can't "remember" being shady. As soon as you "can't remember" Bravo will ALWAYS throw a flashback in to hold you accountable and someone needs to with the amount of pretend amnesia Eva the Diva has had this season.
The Real Housewives of Atlanta airs Sunday at 8/7c on Bravo! Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on our favourite Georgia peaches.