When a Housewives episode starts with the ladies looking at a King Cock dildo you know it's going to be a good episode. What's better than a sex toy mixed with an iconic movie reference? Teresa and Margaret bought the ironically named dildo for Danielle's bachelorette party and that thing looked like it could wipe out small villages across Asia. It was ten inches deep full of pain and I don't know if anyone has sat on King Cock and lived to tell the tale. How does a dildo the size of a small dog even feel pleasurable as it's ripping you open, unless anyone enjoys the feeling of being torn in two. However, if there's one girl who could swallow King Cock, it's New Jersey's resident prostitution whore.
The main theme of this episode and I suppose the next few upcoming ones is Danielle's over-the-top Bravo paid wedding which was the start of her three-month marriage. Do I think Danielle is sad about getting divorced after only being married for a couple of weeks? Fuck no. She got her dream wedding paid by Bravo in an exotic location, a storyline to keep her somewhat relevant on a reality show where she's reaching at straws to be heard and now her divorce battle, dating and potential 21st engagement will secure her storyline for many years to come. Danielle Staub is a businesswoman and whether this wedding worked out or not it was a win-win. What's being happily married when you could just sell your soul for reality TV?
Melissa decided not to tell Joe Gorga about her blowup with Teresa because she couldn't be bothered having her disgruntled sister-in-law fight with her again. I feel like I've watched this storyline play out a thousand times and it's because - I have. It's neverending with these two but it's even worse watching their rift in season nine because they are so scared to start fighting again yet need something to make this show entertaining. Like clockwork, Teresa confessed she's now pissed at Melissa for not telling Jackie to stay out of their business. Holy fucking shit. Can Melissa breathe? Is that okay? I'm just wondering because Tre blames Melissa for any and everything she does. Melissa should've told Joe to see his dad, she should've told Jackie to lay off, she should've fixed their issue but she shouldn't have actually told Joe because it's her fault he yelled at Teresa. What the actual fuck? Teresa makes zero sense and what's next, is the weather and 9/11 Melissa's doing too?
Seeing Joe Gorga physically cream his jeans at hearing how Jackie had confronted his sister was my favourite part of the episode aside from the introduction of King Cock. Joe knows not only is this the making of good reality TV but he knows exactly how pressed his sister would've got. Can these two just pound it out and get the sexual tension out of the way? Obviously, Teresa is sexually frustrated after "allegedly" not having sex in three years, so she needs to have one night with her brother and end this bullshit. Is that a wrong suggestion because they're siblings? Probably, but there's more sexual tension between the Gorga siblings than there ever was with Tre and Juicy Joe. This whole thing boils down to Teresa being jealous of Melissa because she got the man she always wanted.
Before a dive into Danielle Staub's attempt to be on the next season of Bridezillas, let's touch on the lesser Housewives and the storylines we had to sit through. Dolores Catania is the light and love of my life on this show but her storylines this season consist of making her mother ear kale and flipping houses with her ex-husband who's neck is bigger than my torso. The potentially black cast member needs to dump her doctor boyfriend who she only sees once a week and find a new man, preferably Frank to spend her days with. Frank looks at her the way I imagine him to look at a piece of dried chicken, steamed greens and egg whites. Obviously, Dolores still has walls up to protect herself due to his philandering ways but after 18 years of divorce, they need to start fucking like rabbits because they aren't getting any younger and she sees him way more than her doctor boo. If the Gorga siblings have high sexual tension, it's off the charts between Dolores and Frank.
She was mad with him for telling Frank Jr about being disbarred without telling her. It's strange to even imagine Frank and his very heavy breath calling his son to tell him the news and if he went out of his way to tell their son without telling Dolores and then lying about it on camera, that's not a good move. Frank is one of my favourite house husbands, if we can call him that, but Dolores doesn't really have another choice but to be mad after he lied to her. Maybe fucking like rabbits isn't the best idea?
The newbies also had scenes with their children which is better birth control than a condom could ever be. I've said it before but I guess I'll say it again, nobody wants to see small children on Bravo and I understand they are trying to cast younger women on all these shows to attract a younger crowd but the over fifties are the best additions in each franchise. Lisa Rinna, Karen Huger, NeNe Leakes and the entire cast of New York are the best cast member's in their respective cities because their kids are grown and have some years on them, Dolores and Margaret are definitely the best ones in this realm and the only ones without snot-nosed children. We want older women who have lived their lives and have wild personalities to give us, not young mothers who's storylines revolve around having "crazy little kids" and act like they're the only people with small children.
New Jew Jackie also introduced us to her family who are the most Jewish clan I've ever seen and I love it. Seeing massive Jewish families on TV brings me joy and without Siggy in the picture, I'm glad they brought Jackie in to showcases her married parents who don't live together and contemplate reconnecting with her sister. Obviously, she only wants to see her sister after 15 years for reality TV purposes but I condone it, although could she try and not poach Melissa's storyline?
The only thing Danielle has going for her this season is her wedding and she's going to stick with it until she has to throw a glass to get attention. Her bridesmaids, Teresa, Melissa and Margaret, met at Danielle's McMansion to discuss the wedding plans where she acted like a high maintenance bride-to-be, bitching about their lack of commitment to her bachelorette party when they had already planned her an over-the-top party she didn't deserve. Where does she get off being such a diva? She isn't Bethenny Frankel, she doesn't have that kind of power or autonomy on this show, so I'm confused where Danielle gets the idea that she can be a demanding bitch. She's obviously playing this bridezilla bullshit up for the camera because it's the only thing she's working with but give it a fucking rest. I'm so sick of hearing about this fucking wedding which we all know ended with a messy breakup and a waste of her guest's money on the registry.
After chastising her bridesmaids about not coming to her dress alteration fitting they never knew about, Margaret finally hit her limit saying she should get guests to donate to a charity instead of buying her expensive gets she doesn't need and the Marge is 100% right. Thank god someone had the balls to shut Danielle the fuck up. They had a weird make up where the prostitution whore gave her an awkward teary drunk hug and tried to mend the issue. Even though Danielle's behaviour is obviously made for TV, the way she treats Margaret really shows her true colours and just proves she hasn't changed since the days where she was having tables thrown on her. She's picking fights with Marge because she needs someone to fight with and her friendship with Teresa is her meal ticket, so destroying her relationship with Margaret is the best she can do.
Danielle needs something to happen. She doesn’t know what but she’ll do anything to keep whatever place she has left on this show and I guess she’s doing that by acting like a crazy bridezilla bitch, it's her 21st engagement, third wedding and she's 56-years-old why is she planning such a lavish wedding? Calm the fuck down and take a seat because none of this is necessary. How are these even her bridesmaids? She met Melissa and Margaret a year ago and she and Teresa had a decade-long feud where they literally hated each other's guts, are we supposed to believe these are her real friends? If there were no TV cameras none of these bitches would be around but if there were no cameras than there wouldn't even be a wedding.
Her bachelorette party was a roaring twenties theme which is approximately the 80th time we've seen this themed party play out on one of these Housewive shows. Enough is enough, can they not find another theme? If I see one more bedazzled headband or a flapper dress I'm going to run into ongoing traffic. It looked like the set of one of those bad MTV sweet 16 shows and apart from Teresa talking shit about Jackie and Danielle basically confirming she didn't have a fuck to give about her marriage, she was thrown around and mildly sexually assaulted by strippers in front a "Same Penis Forever" sign and King Cock who laid on the floor while she had a penis rolled over her face. Those beefy Jersey strippers were hot and Frank Jr definitely needs to look into it.
The Real Housewives of New Jersey airs Wednesday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the craziest ladies in Jersey.